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Replacing a bridesmaid :(

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#1 crazykat

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    Posted 20 October 2009 - 09:15 PM

    Hi Ladies,

    I am writing because I need some advice on a sensitive topic. On October 10th, my neice passed away (she was my way older sisters daughter, so she was my age 27 years old). She was one of my bridesmaids. This has been one of the hardest weeks I have ever gone through. I miss her terribly.

    So I thought I would ask you ladies who will also be getting married, some thoughts on the topic. I know in the end it will be my desicion, but I just wanted to hear some other opinions.

    My dilemma is and I hate to even think about it but do I replace her in the wedding party?

    Here are my thoughts, if I don't replace her then there will be a empty space in the wedding party, would it be too depressing for guests to have an empty space and make it a focus duing the ceremony.

    Or do I replace her with a friend that I have that was around from the begininning of me and fiance's relationship. Then do something for memorial for her like a candle and an extra bouquet placed on the wedding table. I am also planning on attaching a photo of her on my bouquet, so she will be with me walking down the aisle.

    Any thoughts will be appreciated, thanks for listening.

    #2 SusieQ

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      Posted 20 October 2009 - 10:04 PM

      Oh Sweetie that's tough.... all I can offer you is a hug... yeah it is you that has to make the pick or not.... Big Hug

      #3 mlabbe

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        Posted 20 October 2009 - 10:45 PM

        Oh wow, that's a tough one! My deepest sympathies. I think both ideas are good - I also think though that both could be taken the wrong way... such as "oh, this is so depressing" or "oh, I can't believe that she'd replace her". Still, if I 'd have to make a choice, I'd probably go with honouring her with a memorial. Weddings are supposed to be happy, a celebration of joy. Such a hard decision... Best of luck with it!

        #4 Karen Aucoin

        Karen Aucoin
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          Posted 20 October 2009 - 11:24 PM

          Wow, that's really tough. My thoughts are with you at such a sad time. I just wanted to say that I had a bridesmaid that had to cancel and even though I knew a long time ago I decided to go with the un-even number. I just didn't want to have anyone feel like they were an after-thought by then asking them and I guess I just don't feel like it'll be that big of a deal to have 3 girls and 4 guys. Whatever you decide I'm sure people will respect your decision but don't feel pressured by anyone, do what you want and what feels right in your heart. Best of luck...

          #5 Jess

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            Posted 20 October 2009 - 11:30 PM

            I'm so sorry - I would not replace her - it would be okay to have an uneven #.

            #6 diamondpooch

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              Posted 20 October 2009 - 11:33 PM

              I wouldn't replace her, but it's your decision honey. I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think it will be depressing at all. I think the tears would be tears of joy and respect even though they will be missing her. I think your guests would respect you and your method of honoring her during the ceremony.

              #7 echo2_62

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                Posted 20 October 2009 - 11:37 PM

                While I definitely can't make the decision any easier for you, I have one idea just to help give an example of how we figured a sort of related story.

                While my case is nothing as tragic as yours, FI's brother is not going to be able to come to our wedding and was supposed to be the best man. So while we've got friends that could and would step in if we asked them to, we decided not to fill his position. Basically we figured that whether he was physically there or not, he was still the only person who really fits that role in FI's mind. On our website where we have pictures and a quick description for each member of our wedding party we just wrote "Best Man in Absence" and explained why our guests wouldn't see him at the wedding. Although it still leaves us with a slightly lopsided wedding party, I don't think we would have it any other way!

                Plus, I've heard many brides here comment that they have more BM's or GM so if you're worried about it looking specifically like someone is missing then I think it will be okay unless you want to do something special like a memorial to honour the part she played in your lives.

                In the end, it really is up to you and FI and of course what you feel that you are comfortable with in the long run. If you can't imagine your niece having never been a part of your wedding then I say keep her as a part of it. But otherwise if you think a small tribute with your wedding party and family before/after the ceremony will be more private and not make your guests uncomfortable (or whatever other worries you have involving your guests!) then go ahead with that. I'm really very sorry to hear that you've had such a horrible thing to deal with and I wish you all the best!!

                #8 Karen Aucoin

                Karen Aucoin
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                  Posted 20 October 2009 - 11:39 PM

                  I think having maybe one of those small memory frames that attaches into your bouquet would be a nice way to have her memory included in your ceremony.

                  #9 flbluiiis

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                    Posted 21 October 2009 - 08:06 AM

                    I'm so sorry for your loss! I would say go with the uneven number in your wedding party. My cousin got married a year after her father/my Uncle died and she asked her Mom and Grandpa to walk her down the isle. I was REALLY close to my Uncle (also my Godfather) and I felt like she was replacing him by having her Grandpa walk her down. However, it was her wedding and her choice.

                    #10 becks



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                      Posted 21 October 2009 - 08:35 AM

                      Don't let the idea of an uneven number make your decision. People have uneven numbers all the time - especially at DWs. And your ideas for the memorial are lovely - I've seen bouquets on chairs at the front, a single, different colored flower in bouquets to symbolize the lost person, the mini frames, etc.

                      Have you talked to your sister? Maybe it's too soon, but it might mean a lot to her if you got her thoughts. I don't know how soon your wedding is, but I'd sit tight for a bit and let the decision come to you. It will, and it will be the right one.

                      Good luck!

                      Happily married since 2008

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