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amyrot

Have people questioned your reason for doing a DW?

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So the latest thing over the last few weeks is that 3 different family members have said they 'can't believe' we are paying for a wedding in Mexico AND the at home reception...and WHY don't we simply get married at the location of our reception...

I'm so annoyed and really its because my fiance's family is so close that they feel guilty they can't make the trip financially.....so they are trying to make themselves feel better by suggesting we have it here. Thats all I can make of it, because why else would they question us.

I just don't know what to do now. WE haven't booked the trip although the date is booked for the wedding. I'm just even more mad at myself that they're suggestions are getting to me.

We did n't want a big reception at home, but his family is so big that we had to have more of a formal reception at a big place.

 

Anyone else run into this?

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I feel your pain and I am not even having my wedding outside the US! But you would think I am with the grief I am getting from having it in Florida. I just don't get it!! For example, I was in Target yesterday and ran into a good family friend. She asked how the wedding planning was going and I said great and then made the mistake of saying, "hope you guys can be there." She then started calculating the cost of the trip (out loud like "at least $500 for airfare and at least $400 for the room) and was just like "you know that's quite a bit and I just don't know if we can do that." Wouldn't it have been nicer to just say, "I hope so too" and leave it at that!! So then I felt bad! But then this same person goes to Mexico once or twice a year. Why don't you just be honest and say, I would rather not spend my money on a wedding, we have other things planned. I don't care anymore, well obviously I do since I am venting! : ) It just makes me mad because I feel this is like will be a fun vacation for people. I would love it if one of my friends were to have their wedding in a tropical location!! I mean, I have travelled all over for weddings (some really boring) and haven't complained! Ughh! Anyway, I completely understand how you feel!!

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Everyone in my family and his has questioned why we are having it in Jamaica. "Why can't you have a wedding like your brother?" That is everybodys response. My brother and his wife had a huge wedding in our area. My sister in laws parents paid for the whole reception (200 people) and my parents paid for all the extras. We do not have that luxury and are paying for the whole thing ourselves and our main focus is to get a house. To spend a fortune on a wedding here in NYC would be crazy since we want a house within a year of the wedding. We are sticking by our guns. The close friends and family we want there, will be there. Most of his family isn't coming because of the location. It doesn't seem to bother my fiance. Just stick with the wedding that you and your hubby to be want and focus on that. All the other people that don't like the idea can always look at pictures!

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Well Stina and Irishgirl...thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone! People love to say 'just do it like we did'...and so on. and to calculate the price outloud! OMG! Honestly we do want our parents there but for my future mother in law's sister to tell me 'why don't you just receive the money that they are spending on Mexico as a gift".... I was like- are you kidding me? Its not my fault my bro and sis in laws (4 of them) are young and they're getting it paid for! Not to mention I would never get all that money as a gift!! ugh! I just feel like saying- everyone stay home or save your bitching about money to yourself! We are paying for everything on our own so we have enough to worry about!

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I can completely sympathize...been there, done that. I had my wedding and a beach reception in Jamaica with the 23 people who decided to join us. And, had a wonderful, memorable and completely enjoyable wedding. Because my parent's families are huge (mom one of six and dad one of eight) I also had a huge relatively formal AHR. And, I was miserable at it. All I kept thinking is that "I'm glad this is not my wedding day." The night was completely insane. I barely got to dance or eat.

 

The wedding and reception in Jamaica was for me and my DH and those who joined us. The AHR was for everyone else.

 

Do not let what they are saying deter you! Do what will make you happy.

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Thanks for that insight Caroline. My fiance is going to talk with his parents alone this week and find out what the deal is. Other people are making us feel like we are really putting them out financially. If thats the case, I would change the plan for just our parents, but not for the sake of other people who don't want to feel bad. We explained from the start that NO ONE should feel bad and that we are having the reception here that will include everything except the 'I do's"!

I can just imagine a reception that large being hectic like you said. I feel like his family is so huge I don't even know all of his cousins and some aunts/uncles.

 

So..I'm open to changing plans for the sake of our parents, but ultimately I hope I don't have to!

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Well my additional two cents is - try having FI's parents say things like that to you even AFTER his brother and SIL had a destination wedding nearly three years ago and their whole family LOVED it and thought it was such a WONDERFUL idea!!!!

 

We thought we would have all the support in the world from his parents but when we first announced the dates we were looking at, the first thing his mom started commenting on was that so-and-so was an important family member and couldn't make it, plus the weather would be too hot for grandparents and well, maybe if it wasn't going to work then we should have it locally where it would be MORE ACCOMMODATING FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding me?! Now I was never the little girl who dreamed of her fantasy wedding while growing up (far, far from that!!) but I don't think part of that fantasy would have involved planning my dream day around a time that is more accommodating for everybody else! Plus, of course she was only taking into consideration her OWN family, not even knowing that at the time my own parents didn't even think they could afford to come but were willing to sacrifice their attendance if I was doing what would make me happy.

 

Anyways, that setback has come and gone and we still ended up booking the dates that WE wanted and worked best OVERALL for all our guests, not just his family. Oh and my own parents surprised me and were some of the first to book their trip!

After our whole ordeal FI's mom still asked if we'd be willing to do a family dinner so that everyone not invited could feel included, and we still haven't agreed to it because neither myself or FI wanted any sort of event here at home (and dinner with his family means a 12hr drive each direction so it's not like we can just do it over a weekend).

 

Basically if having your parents attend the actual ceremony may be critical to you then changing your location so that they can come is completely reasonable as long as you are okay with it. However it sounds like it's also other family members that are feeling put out despite the fact that you're having an AHR with all of them. If that's the case then you just have to weigh out how important their attendance is to you against how badly you want to do a DW. I count myself lucky to have friends that are up for any reason to go on vacation so I hope that your friends and other family members realize that you're doing this because it's what makes you and FI happy, and they shouldn't feel guilty or make you feel guilty because they can't go!

 

And perhaps if you're having the AHR already, you could promise to have a dvd of your wedding to show everyone there - or even make enough copies for everyone to take home as a gift?! I have even heard of some couples doing a more playful mock-up of their ceremony so that their guests can feel a part of the event.

 

Just try to remember that you still have options. In the end, you are the ones who will remember this for the rest of your lives and if making other people feel better now isn't going to matter so much in ten years anyways then maybe that's not the right decision for you. Talk to the people whose attendance really matters and go from there.

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Well my additional two cents is - try having FI's parents say things like that to you even AFTER his brother and SIL had a destination wedding nearly three years ago and their whole family LOVED it and thought it was such a WONDERFUL idea!!!!

 

We thought we would have all the support in the world from his parents but when we first announced the dates we were looking at, the first thing his mom started commenting on was that so-and-so was an important family member and couldn't make it, plus the weather would be too hot for grandparents and well, maybe if it wasn't going to work then we should have it locally where it would be MORE ACCOMMODATING FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding me?! Now I was never the little girl who dreamed of her fantasy wedding while growing up (far, far from that!!) but I don't think part of that fantasy would have involved planning my dream day around a time that is more accommodating for everybody else! Plus, of course she was only taking into consideration her OWN family, not even knowing that at the time my own parents didn't even think they could afford to come but were willing to sacrifice their attendance if I was doing what would make me happy.

 

Anyways, that setback has come and gone and we still ended up booking the dates that WE wanted and worked best OVERALL for all our guests, not just his family. Oh and my own parents surprised me and were some of the first to book their trip!

After our whole ordeal FI's mom still asked if we'd be willing to do a family dinner so that everyone not invited could feel included, and we still haven't agreed to it because neither myself or FI wanted any sort of event here at home (and dinner with his family means a 12hr drive each direction so it's not like we can just do it over a weekend).

 

Basically if having your parents attend the actual ceremony may be critical to you then changing your location so that they can come is completely reasonable as long as you are okay with it. However it sounds like it's also other family members that are feeling put out despite the fact that you're having an AHR with all of them. If that's the case then you just have to weigh out how important their attendance is to you against how badly you want to do a DW. I count myself lucky to have friends that are up for any reason to go on vacation so I hope that your friends and other family members realize that you're doing this because it's what makes you and FI happy, and they shouldn't feel guilty or make you feel guilty because they can't go!

 

And perhaps if you're having the AHR already, you could promise to have a dvd of your wedding to show everyone there - or even make enough copies for everyone to take home as a gift?! I have even heard of some couples doing a more playful mock-up of their ceremony so that their guests can feel a part of the event.

 

Just try to remember that you still have options. In the end, you are the ones who will remember this for the rest of your lives and if making other people feel better now isn't going to matter so much in ten years anyways then maybe that's not the right decision for you. Talk to the people whose attendance really matters and go from there.

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Thanks Meghan- geez I cant' believe the hassle you guys are going through too! Isn't it funny how people can be so unsupportive. You're right in that its other people who are chiming in with their two cents- and one of my FI's aunts who is basically like a sister because they're close in age- was the one to get this all started. So I have a feeling that Kevin is going to be taking her opinion highly, but I know he wants to do what we want. We have to weigh the pro's and con's like you said. We have a lot of people who seem to really be excited about going and making a vacation about it. I know its a stretch financially for my family too but I've already told one of my sister's to not worry about it- and my parents want to go for a vacation I really think. they are excited. I know my FI's siblings are excited, and hey its not my fault that my MIL is going to pay for 3 of the siblings !

i'm glad you guys stuck to your plans!

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As soon as we mentioned Jamaica everyone started chiming in how they can't afford it. Uh I didn't even tell you the price yet. The best suggestion was from FMIL suggesting we have a potluck wedding instead. So go with your heart the people who really care will find a way to make it. I have a huge Hispanic family so our AHR will be a taco cart, IPOD music and casual wear at my parents home. This is a perfect solution for us with such a huge family. It is a little stressing but when people start telling you how excited they are for the DW you get so happy and the other comments melt away.

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