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Should I believe him


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#11 amqueens

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    Posted 13 October 2009 - 08:05 PM

    This is a tough one. I would question him more and he shouldn't have a problem answering you. You have EVERY right to question this. Listen to your gut, if you find that you can't accept his answers, then don't. Deep down if his answers don't make sense then more often then not they don't. You do have to have trust but you do need to be smart also! Good luck!
    - Anne-Marie

    #12 koolatta

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    • 321 posts

      Posted 13 October 2009 - 09:09 PM

      Sorry to hear about this situation. Personally I would talk to him and tell him how I'm feeling. IF he cant respect how you feel then maybe its time to reevaluate the relationship and see if this is something you can deal with or something you need to step away from. If it was the other way around, how would he like it, especially if he told you how he felt and you didn't take it into consideration. I live by the motto "treat others how you want to be treated" I would never continuously do something that upset my FI and I would expect him to do the same - Especially when it comes to ex girlfriends.

      Whatever you decide - I wish you the best. Keep us updated!
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      21 + Bride & Groom Booked!!

      #13 sjmacphe

      sjmacphe
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        Posted 13 October 2009 - 10:15 PM

        Hi there,
        I can totally understand why you would be upset, it is a A LITTLE weird that he has hung onto this little piece of their past relationship for whatever reason. I know for my fiance and I when we moved from our old apartments to live with each other it was great because we got rid of all those little momentos from past relationships and once we did it was sort of like a weight lifted I think. It's not the end of the world though, I mean it's probably harmless but I would probably be a little upset too - just try to get him when he's in a talking mood and try not to get too upset, just talk it out rationally and ask him to explain the situation and that you're just feeling left out.
        About the FB thing, my FI and I both have our exes on FB but we don't hide anything from each other - he knows my password and I know his, it's not a big deal. I am still sort of friends with my ex, although I have purposely avoided him when I've seen him in public incidentally lol.
        Most likely you have nothing to worry about, but you just need to talk to your guy again and explain you're just upset b/c you don't understand the situation and you just want to talk about. Maybe you both need to agree on getting rid of all the old little things that make you think about your exes so you can start fresh? Just an idea - hope you feel better about this, and that you two can talk about it again.
        HUGS!

        #14 Melidell

        Melidell
        • Sr. Member
        • 1,091 posts

          Posted 15 October 2009 - 02:04 AM

          Hmmm... the facebook thing is not a big deal- I think a lot of people have an ex or two on facebook- I know I do and FI thinks nothing of it.

          The ticket stub is weird. The fact that he still has it is slightly odd- how old was it? The fact that she wants it is very odd- if she collected them (and please, lets be honest, that was such a lame excuse) she would have gotten it from him at the time. It sounds iffy. I'm not jealous of my FI's female friends and co-workers, but if he got really defensive if I asked him about them then that would be a red flag to me. You had a legitimate right to (respectfully, of course) question what was going on in this instance and if he doesn't see that, that's a bit strange.

          Could just be wedding nerves on both of your parts, it's hard to say. If you truly feel you can trust him, you may want to let it go. If he's ever given you reason to think you can't, or if you have a really bad gut feeling, you may want to pursue this further. Good luck, I hope it blows over.
          Loving married life!

          #15 SSNM

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            Posted 15 October 2009 - 11:20 AM

            Hi again!

            I recall reading in one of your previous posts that you had trust issues with this guy and so I am not sure if his blow up is a red flag or if he is just getting fustrated at this point? I agree though, he should not be yelling at you for asking questions.

            I can see how holding on to a stub may raise an eyebrow, but then I think of myself who has held on to pictures and cards and letters from my ex and if I were asked to destroy them, I would not feel comfortable with it. I wouldn't take them with me when I move in with my FI but I wouldn't destroy them either...I'd probably leave them with my mom. Some people just don't like to let go of certain memorablia but that doesn't make them any less committed to their partners.

            Anyway, bottom line is, he needs to do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable in the relationship -- especially given your particular circumstance outlined in your previous post I read. You, however, also need to trust him a little. He can't be held responsible for another girl's actions afterall. If one of these can't be achieved, then the relationship really needs to be re-evaluated. Marriage doesn't make these things better; they get WAY more complicated. Make sure you are 'sure'.

            #16 Jennybell1

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              Posted 15 October 2009 - 12:28 PM

              This is a tough one...and Im so sorry your so stressed out so close to your wedding. Everyone is jealous by nature...its just a matter of what level of jealousy they have. So dont feel bad that you are feeling jealous. Some jealous behaviour I think is good for a relationship, it shows just how much you care about that person. So long as it isnt like "crazy" jealousy. Which it sounds as though you are not!
              As for the issue, well, I would have to say that yes he is marrying you, however if it bothers you that much, then he should have enough sense to remove any ex's from his FB. And he should try to limit his contact with his ex at work. As much as possible without it interfering with his job. You cant do anything about an ex he works with, unless he changes jobs, but I dont see that happening. I would have a talk with him and let him know how much it bothers you that he has contact with previous gf's. That it would make you feel better if he didnt. Riley and I had that conversation just after we got together, and we both agreed that we wouldnt have any contact with any of our ex's. Its only fair. You broke up for a reason, yes...but that doesnt mean you dont still care about that person in some shape or form. I have feelings that will stay with me forever with one of my ex's and he has the same feelings for me.....it would be a horrible outcome if we kept in touch. I just think that its very difficult for guys and girls to be friends...there are exceptions to this of course. My best friend is a guy, but there is nothing btwn us and that is very evident to everyone. Totally plutonic. However that is rarely the case. If it was me, I would Kibosh it. As would Riley with me. I dont beleive he would ever cheat on me nor would I on him....however opportunity knocks sometimes, and sometimes the people who say they never would, do.
              If it makes you uncomfortable, you need to let him know. Otherwise this will be a continual issue up for discussion and it will never go away. You dont want to start your life with him, only to have this lingering feeling that something isnt right. He is right - he is marrying you in a month, he loves you...if your uncomfortable, he needs to fix it. You have to go with your gut...it never lies....you need to deal with this issue now before it gets completely out of hand. Just make sure you do it in a calm manner and make sure you get all your points across but in a loving manner. He needs to understand how he is making you feel and the doubt you are feeling. I think if someone gets really upset about something that is brought to their attention, its bc they are hiding something. Think about it, if it was nothing he would have brushed it off and maybe even laughed it off. Not "blowing up" at you over something that concerns you. My ex boyfriend used to blow up me when I asked those questions bc I had similar issues of doubt etc....only for me to find out that I was right all along. Im sorry if this sounds harsh, and I am by no means telling you he is doing what you think he might be doing or posssibly playing with the idea...but you need to take care of #1 too remember. You need to deal with this now and get him to understand how this makes you feel. Once he understands this, he will do something about it, if he cares about you and your life together. If he doesnt, well .....and I hate to say it......but I would take a good look at what your doing before you wakl down that isle. If I had done that 10 years ago, I wouldnt be divorced right now and on my 2nd marriage.
              Please take the time to really think this over, like I said before, womens intuition is almost always right....dont ignore what you are feeling. Your feeling it for a reason. Whether its happening or not, you are feeling insecure and you need to figure out what needs to be done to make you feel secure in your relationship again.
              I wish you all the best and hope things can get resolved very quickly. Good Luck!!

              #17 SusieQ

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              • 1,603 posts

                Posted 15 October 2009 - 12:41 PM

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by Jennybell1
                This is a tough one...and Im so sorry your so stressed out so close to your wedding. Everyone is jealous by nature...its just a matter of what level of jealousy they have. So dont feel bad that you are feeling jealous. Some jealous behaviour I think is good for a relationship, it shows just how much you care about that person. So long as it isnt like "crazy" jealousy. Which it sounds as though you are not!
                As for the issue, well, I would have to say that yes he is marrying you, however if it bothers you that much, then he should have enough sense to remove any ex's from his FB. And he should try to limit his contact with his ex at work. As much as possible without it interfering with his job. You cant do anything about an ex he works with, unless he changes jobs, but I dont see that happening. I would have a talk with him and let him know how much it bothers you that he has contact with previous gf's. That it would make you feel better if he didnt. Riley and I had that conversation just after we got together, and we both agreed that we wouldnt have any contact with any of our ex's. Its only fair. You broke up for a reason, yes...but that doesnt mean you dont still care about that person in some shape or form. I have feelings that will stay with me forever with one of my ex's and he has the same feelings for me.....it would be a horrible outcome if we kept in touch. I just think that its very difficult for guys and girls to be friends...there are exceptions to this of course. My best friend is a guy, but there is nothing btwn us and that is very evident to everyone. Totally plutonic. However that is rarely the case. If it was me, I would Kibosh it. As would Riley with me. I dont beleive he would ever cheat on me nor would I on him....however opportunity knocks sometimes, and sometimes the people who say they never would, do.
                If it makes you uncomfortable, you need to let him know. Otherwise this will be a continual issue up for discussion and it will never go away. You dont want to start your life with him, only to have this lingering feeling that something isnt right. He is right - he is marrying you in a month, he loves you...if your uncomfortable, he needs to fix it. You have to go with your gut...it never lies....you need to deal with this issue now before it gets completely out of hand. Just make sure you do it in a calm manner and make sure you get all your points across but in a loving manner. He needs to understand how he is making you feel and the doubt you are feeling. I think if someone gets really upset about something that is brought to their attention, its bc they are hiding something. Think about it, if it was nothing he would have brushed it off and maybe even laughed it off. Not "blowing up" at you over something that concerns you. My ex boyfriend used to blow up me when I asked those questions bc I had similar issues of doubt etc....only for me to find out that I was right all along. Im sorry if this sounds harsh, and I am by no means telling you he is doing what you think he might be doing or posssibly playing with the idea...but you need to take care of #1 too remember. You need to deal with this now and get him to understand how this makes you feel. Once he understands this, he will do something about it, if he cares about you and your life together. If he doesnt, well .....and I hate to say it......but I would take a good look at what your doing before you wakl down that isle. If I had done that 10 years ago, I wouldnt be divorced right now and on my 2nd marriage.
                Please take the time to really think this over, like I said before, womens intuition is almost always right....dont ignore what you are feeling. Your feeling it for a reason. Whether its happening or not, you are feeling insecure and you need to figure out what needs to be done to make you feel secure in your relationship again.
                I wish you all the best and hope things can get resolved very quickly. Good Luck!!
                100% in agreement!!

                #18 Vikki

                Vikki
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                • 807 posts

                  Posted 15 October 2009 - 01:34 PM

                  I think the bigger issue is that you don't feel you can communicate with him about this in a way that will satisfy you. I doubt it's that big of a deal but the communication issue is key because stuff will pop up all the time and you have to have a way to discuss things that are bothering you.

                  As for the ticket stub I wouldn't let that bother me too much. My FI still has pictures of vacations he took with his ex and their wedding on his computer. They certainly aren't cycling through his screen saver or anything but he doesn't want to get rid of his history completely and I have never questioned that decision for a moment. I actually have some old stuff from ex's around somewhere in a box under the house. It didn't even occur to me that it might not be appropriate. I still have an engagement ring from my high-school sweetheart..... That being said I am 100% in love with my FI and would never consider leaving him for a moment. The little things I have just remind me of different times in my life, both good and bad (usually bad). It's a reminder of how much I've grown and where I've come from. All of it fits in one medium sized box so it's not like I'm a complete packrat.

                  #19 JT3

                  JT3
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                  • 443 posts

                    Posted 15 October 2009 - 03:27 PM

                    I wish you luck with this... My sisters who have gotten married and have attempted to get married. (both did not work) They told me that when getting married you should have no doubt about the person you trust... They told me that the moment you doubt them or your heart is giving you doubt you should double think your situation.... They tell me this b/c both those A**holes decided that they couldn't just be with one girl... They had to be with my sisters and some homewrecker hoes... (Sorry Im a tad over protective of my sisters) Just remember a woman's intuition is very powerful and is very accurate. Wish you luck and happiness..:)

                    #20 isaidyes

                    isaidyes
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                    • 269 posts

                      Posted 15 October 2009 - 03:31 PM

                      What a horrible situation to be put in. You have to trust your intuition here. You have the right to ask your DF any questions that you need to and he shouldn't get on your case about it. I know all about what a woman will do to get a man. My boyfriend in highschool cheated on me with so many girls! It was humiliating. I often felt like I was the one apologizing and I didn't even do anything wrong




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