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MIL issues/deposit question

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27 replies to this topic

#11 jstinemari

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    Posted 30 June 2009 - 04:58 PM

    thank you all for your advice.. There's definitely a part of me agreeing completely with everyone. I want to say "Screw her, this is OUR wedding and we'll have it when and wherever WE please!"
    But another part of me is thinking that its his mom after all and
    it's very important she be there. So i'm hoping we can come to a compromise (even though she doesn't deserve one). I'd like DF to speak with her calmly about the situation, tell her its very important to us that she'd be there. however, we've put a non-refundable deposit on the location in Maui, actually my mother paid it for us.. I'd like him to ask her if she's willing to reimburse the deposit or at least pay for a deposit at another location. I think that's only fair. $1500 is a lot to throw away and i'm not letting my mom get screwed out of her money.. If FML willing to compromise then great. If not then it's the absolute last straw, i'm done trying with her, done trying to make her happy...
    can it ever be about US for once?? I really dont think she deserves the option but maybe it would be easier for some people if the location was closer, financially speaking.
    DF really doesnt even want to speak with her about it anymore, he says she's no longer welcome at our wedding.. but i think he's putting up a front, i think he's hurt by the situation. I'll try to get him to speak with her one last time about it i guess.
    then again, i'd hate to keel over and let her have her way.. oh she is such a headache.. i guess we'll just see what happens... but i'm seriously at my wits end with the woman

    thanks again and i'll update when i know anything else

    #12 jstinemari

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      Posted 08 July 2009 - 08:20 PM

      So MIL said she'll pay for a deposit elswhere.. IF we decide to change the location. I'm still pretty much in love with Olowalu plantation but i'll keep my eyes open anyway and if we find something that we love as much as olowalu (which i doubt) we'll consider changing the location. This is NOT to please FMIL, but it would be alot easier for everyone if we have it closer. It would be easy on our son, our grandparents, friends who cant afford to get to HI.. so we have alot of thinking to do but i'm sure it will all work out.. thanks again for your advice and letting me release the stress!

      #13 LIW

      • Jr. Member
      • 197 posts

        Posted 08 July 2009 - 08:44 PM

        My advice is to not change your location. I truly believe (and not really knowing your MIL), that this is some kind of power play on her part. She's put up a fuss about your current location and now that you asked her to pay the deposit on the potential new location, she's more than happy to oblige?? Honestly, I only see this going badly. I see her holding that money she paid over your heads and guilting you into doing other things you don't want to do.

        If I were you, stick to your guns. Plan the wedding you want and don't let her controll you. I imagine she'll come around when she realizes that she doesn't have control over you.

        38 people plus bride and groom coming to Cuba!

        #14 hockeymom97

        • Sr. Member
        • 2,458 posts

          Posted 08 July 2009 - 09:33 PM

          Originally Posted by LIW
          I see her holding that money she paid over your heads and guilting you into doing other things you don't want to do.

          If I were you, stick to your guns. Plan the wedding you want and don't let her controll you. I imagine she'll come around when she realizes that she doesn't have control over you.
          I second that.
          Heather & Eric ~ May 5th, 2011 ~ Beaches Turks & Caicos

          #15 Becsmom

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          • 38 posts

            Posted 22 July 2009 - 03:39 AM

            How does your fiancee feel? Is he ok with going to Hawaii and her not being there? If he is, then I would tell you not to change a thing, this is about the two of you and she is being selfish. She will continue to expect you to change things to suit her the rest of your life if you do it now. However, if your fiancee really wants his mother there, no matter what, you need to consider his feelings, this is his wedding too and there is no reason to start off married life with your husband resenting you because you wouldn't budge. Have a heart to heart with him and then decide together. My daughter is getting married in HI in 2011, however, she wasn't even going to suggest it because she knows the grooms family is large and though they have money, they are very frugal and would never want to go to Hawaii and spend all that money. I figured that you can't assume anything with anyone, so I just casually mentioned that she would have loved to have it in HI, but wouldn't dare ask anyone to go to that expense. Well, to her thrill and surprise, his family has always wanted to go and had been saving for years to get there. They thought this was the most wonderful idea ever. So talk to your fiancee, but don't cower unless he is sure he wants to move it. Good luck.

            #16 jstinemari

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            • 86 posts

              Posted 12 August 2009 - 08:55 PM

              Hi everyone!
              so it's been a couple months now since i've been on this forum.. I was so depressed about the possibility of not being able to have my wedding at Olowalu and in Maui, even coming to the forum upset me! FI and I gave other locations a chance.. we checked out Florida's islands, the Carribbean islands..St. Lucia (gorgeous) and St. Thomas, bermuda the bahamas, jamaica... and while many of the locations we looked at were beautiful, our hearts were and have always been in Maui.. at Olowalu plantation. So we have decided to go ahead with our original plans! I am so happy and so excited. We do of course hope his mother has a change of heart and comes, but FI and I are both on agreement that this is definately what we want and if his mom isnt going to be supportive of our choice then it's HER problem, not ours. In other words, "It's our day so screw what she thinks" those are FI's words lol.
              I am such a happy camper right now.. well, a happy bride again :) and so glad I can move ahead with the planning! i'm just mad i lost 2 months, I feel like it's crunch time now.
              well, i just wanted to give the update and let you know i'm still here with all of you..and that i'm definately 100% getting "Maui'ed" :) :)

              #17 da.shmoopies

              • Jr. Member
              • 223 posts

                Posted 13 August 2009 - 02:01 PM


                It must have been a hard decision to make, but it sounds like you are much happier going with what you orginally wanted rather than what some else wanted.

                Good for you!! It's going to be a fabulous wedding!!

                Are you going to have your reception at Olowalu also?

                #18 jstinemari

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                • 86 posts

                  Posted 13 August 2009 - 04:13 PM

                  thanks :) we do feel so much better now

                  We were considering having the reception at Olowalu but it was just a little bit pricey...so many extras we'd need and both of us would rather spend our money enjoying the hawaiin islands. Plus, we're having a reception when we return home for everyone who isnt coming to Hawaii. We're having it at Feast of lei lei instead and i'm sure everyone will have a great time.

                  Your wedding is coming up so soon!! you must be so excited :) i cant wait to see pics! are you all done planning?

                  #19 azulskies

                  • Sr. Member
                  • 1,131 posts

                    Posted 13 August 2009 - 05:45 PM

                    I'm glad everything worked out for you! We're also having our ceremony at Olowalu Plantation House & then having our reception at Old Lahaina Luau..it definitely was the only way we'd be able to afford it! Olowalu just starts to add up.


                    #20 jstinemari

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                    • 86 posts

                      Posted 13 August 2009 - 09:19 PM

                      thanks Krystall, i really like your planning site! i need to make one of those too :)
                      can i just ask why you choose to go with old lahaina lua? just wondering because I wasnt sure which to choose. We finally just went with Lele because we found out everyone could walk there from olowalu. i'm just curious to see if you had any specific reasons why your going with old lahaina.. i've never been to either

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