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MIL issues/deposit question

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#1 jstinemari

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    Posted 29 June 2009 - 10:50 PM

    My future MIL is a real pain.. i'm always so nice to her and very respectuful. But she's been out of line since day 1... She wouldnt even speak in english around me for maybe 6months lol she'd only speak in russian and ignore me. She's nice when she feels like it and completely rude other days for no apparent reason at all..

    so anyway, she's being a real jerk about the wedding. She doesnt like that we're getting married in HI..we're from boston, she doesnt want to take the long flight. Her 50th bday is also a few days before the wedding so she got mad because we were planning on leaving that day.. because by all means her party is more important than our wedding. So we told her that we'd change the wedding date so we wouldnt miss her holy birthday party and so she wouldnt have to worry about leaving the next day.

    she still complained and said she wasnt going to Hawaii.. DF asked her one more time tonight and asked her to give him her final answer if she was going to be at our wedding or not... she said flat out "NO"

    i dont get it.. why wouldnt you want to be at your only son's wedding? who cares if its a long flight.. she's only 49, she has no health problems... its not like she cant make the flight, she just chooses not too.

    still, i feel like she should be there.. she is his mother (unfortunately lol). So i'm considering moving the wedding somewhere closer.. bermuda, mabye jamaica or the bahamas.. the thing is, we've already given our W/C Lori a deposit for Olowalu Planation.. does anyone know, if we decided not to have it there can we get the deposit back? or at least some of it??

    #2 jstinemari

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      Posted 29 June 2009 - 11:19 PM

      nevermind! the deposit is non-refundable.. i'm so angry with her!

      #3 Inked1

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        Posted 30 June 2009 - 07:09 AM

        I wouldn't change your wedding to suit your MIL, after all you chose HI because it was important to the two of you. My FI's grandmother has been resistant to Vegas since we chose that location and often repeated that she wasn't going to go. At this point, 4 months out, she has stopped complaining (as much) and will be going.

        I know it is important for your MIL to be there, but in the end it is her choice and if she stays home it is her issue to deal with that regret. I kinda have a feeling she would have something else to be mad about even if you did move the wedding back home.

        #4 Jen_S

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          Posted 30 June 2009 - 07:36 AM

          I agree I would not change my location unless you really wanted to. My FI and I were going to elope 2 years before we got married to Vegas it was spur of the moment and I wanted our immediate family to come his mom said no because it was raining so we went and planned a wedding in Mexico and she was not coming until 1 month before the wedding. So plan what you want those who really want to be there will. Good Luck!!!
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          #5 tylersgirl

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            Posted 30 June 2009 - 08:14 AM

            Yeah, I agree with the other girls I wouldn't change the location just because of her. When you plan a DW there are always going to be people (mine is my SIL) that try to put the attention on them by causing a fuss. My SIL said she wasn't coming to Mexico and when I said I would change it to Jamaica she said she wouldn't do that either, so I just decided to do what FI and I wanted to and stick with Mexico and lo and behold she is coming now. I think people just want to test you when you have a DW, so hang in there! Maybe she will come around. Good luck with everything!

            #6 itsfinallyhere

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              Posted 30 June 2009 - 08:37 AM

              Wow Russian huh? All I can say is you got your work cut out for you. My best advice is DON'T change anything to suit her, because then she will expect it forever. Yes she is being stubborn but I think that is a national past time from some of those european countries (I know growing up in one!). I don't really believe that she will miss the wedding but what I do think is trying to do is establish a kind of matriachal power play. I think she is testing you to see how much you will cater to her, and please remember by doing this you are taking control of the situation and this is probably driving her nuts! Just keep on planning, let her know what is going on, details to get her excited and maybe even ask her opinion on some stuff. I honestly believe she will not miss her son's big day. How would she be able to explain that. Plus she will want bragging rights and the only way to have that is to in the pictures to proves how incredible it was. How much more unique it can having a DW as opposed to one at home.

              Good Luck, I know thses women can be extremely stubborn, but patience will win out. Just smile and wave at her andrant and rave to FI. LOL

              You will have to keep us updated

              #7 DanielleNDerek

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                Posted 30 June 2009 - 09:27 AM

                Honestly i think that if you did change your destination she still wouldnt go. 1st she complained about the departure date and you moved that and now its just too far. sounds like she's just using the long plane ride as her excuse not to attend. I know the plane ride is really long but if she really wanted to be there that wouldnt stop her.
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                #8 CrystalM

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                  Posted 30 June 2009 - 11:17 AM

                  Originally Posted by DanielleNDerek
                  Honestly i think that if you did change your destination she still wouldnt go. 1st she complained about the departure date and you moved that and now its just too far. sounds like she's just using the long plane ride as her excuse not to attend. I know the plane ride is really long but if she really wanted to be there that wouldnt stop her.

                  I agree completely with this.

                  And as someone else posted, I also really think it's a power play. My mom tries to pull this on me, but I out stubborn her and she caves.
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                  #9 march132010

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                    Posted 30 June 2009 - 11:43 AM

                    Oh man that sucks I'm sorry she's not supportive of you two.. Remember you are marrying him and not her...

                    #10 da.shmoopies

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                      Posted 30 June 2009 - 01:05 PM

                      We had a similar situation. We didn't know why the fiance's Parents (read mother) didn't want to go... they have the money and the time. (We think it's because the FMIL wanted to have a big blow out with her friends and family, and at the time it seemed that most of my family was going... now it's most of John's!). John refused to change our plans and he said, even though he would be incredibly hurt (as was I, because I like his mom), it was our day and that was more important. He stuck to his guns!

                      They didn't talk for months... then, when John's brother booked his trip, he booked the parent's a room and flight too!! Since the money can't be refunded, they are NOW going. LOL

                      I guess my point is that it's more important to do what the two of you want to do for your wedding. There was many a time I wanted to contact her and scold her for hurting John (who is a very sensitive man)... but even though I am soon to be family, it was between my fiance and his mother, and I had to stay out of it. You don't want to come between the two... though it's difficult not to say anything!

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