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Do I say something about money?


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#1 hollym

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    Posted 20 September 2008 - 11:23 PM

    I got engaged about a month ago and assumed that my parents and his would give us money for the wedding. We're both young and I'm the first in my immediate family to get married and he'll be the last in his, so it's kind of special for both of our families. But...neither my parents nor his have said anything about money. I kind of made an opening for my mom when I talked to her on the phone the other day but she kind of dodged it and changed the subject.

    I kind of feel like as a parent they know this is going to come up and whether they're going to give us anything or not, at least come to us and let us know so we can plan and budget accordingly.

    I'm a little afraid to ask because my mom and I just had a little "episode" about money and my going to school. I moved out right after high school and never asked for a thing until recently because my loans didn't cover the cost of tuition. At the time I didn't know I was going to have a wedding to plan or I would have just found another way to pay.

    Anyway...Who's responsibility is it? Are they supposed to offer and if they don't, I just assume they aren't helping, or am I supposed to ask? What's the right thing to do? A month already went by so fast, I can't afford to waste anymore time!
    mattandhollytietheknot.com

    #2 sunset78

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      Posted 20 September 2008 - 11:34 PM

      Nowadays, it's not totally the parents responsibility. Anyone can pay for it...

      We are paying for the wedding for ourselves entirely.

      But you can ask for help from your parents and see what they say.

      But most of the ladies/couples here saved up for months it seems themselves.

      #3 TammyWright

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      Posted 20 September 2008 - 11:39 PM

      i hope this doesnt sound harsh but it is a little strange that you expect your parents to pay for your wedding...why is it their responsibilty?

      we paid for our wedding and didnt expect our parents to pay for anything...my parents ended up paying for our AHR (because i didnt want one and they did so they paid...i had nothing to do with picking location, decor etc.) and husbands parents paid for the photography as a gift and it was very generous of both sets of parents but if they offered nothing it would not have bothered us.

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      #4 hollym

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        Posted 21 September 2008 - 12:17 AM

        I don't expect them to pay for everything, we are certainly planning on paying for most of it. There have just been pre-engagement mentions of it, my mom has basically told me when I was younger that they would give each of the kids something, Matt's mom gave money to his brothers and you hear traditionally "brides family pays for this, grooms family pays for that".

        I'm just saying, since it has been brought up before, even if they can't give us a gift at all anymore, don't you think she would say something?

        I work with a girl who's mom paid for the dress. Even something like that would be nice to know so I can budget.

        I guess I'm just concerned because we aren't in our late 20's with full time jobs, we're in our early 20s in undergrad and law school. He's not allowed to have a job his first year. I plan to do most everything myself and I've already looked at threads on how to save money, I just thought it was tradition for each family to help with something.
        mattandhollytietheknot.com

        #5 hollym

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          Posted 21 September 2008 - 12:21 AM

          I apologize, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted them to pay for the WHOLE wedding. No no no. I know they can't do that. Sorry.
          mattandhollytietheknot.com

          #6 Hartyt509

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            Posted 21 September 2008 - 05:58 AM

            If I was you i'd set a budget to pay for it yourself, you've only just got engaged enjoy it. You don't need to get married NOW, I did that last time and it was a disaster.

            Give yourself some time to finish school and save up.

            Years ago dad said to me "pay for things yourself that way you have no-one to thank for the rest of your life over and over again" and its worked for me.

            Dad has offered to pay for my trip to Mexico but I've said thanks but no and his mother hasn't offered anything and i'm glad about that as i'd only have to tell her to stick it up her arse lol Years ago she said to me that she expected my dad to pay for everything and I told her straight IF we got married that was down to us and not him and she should keep her mouth shut on things that didn't concern her lol She has paid for 3 other of his siblings weddings but not even asked FI what he wants as a wedding present, however she just got married AGAIN and wanted a present lol

            Plan on the basis you are getting nothing and then if they are generous to give you something its a bonus. x

            #7 Karen

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              Posted 21 September 2008 - 07:39 AM

              I agree with Harty. It's best to base your budget on what the two of you can afford. Then whatever anyone else contributes is extra.
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              #8 shellb

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                Posted 21 September 2008 - 08:02 AM

                I agree with Harty, set a budget, start saving without expectation and enjoy your engagement. If they are going to offer to help, they will offer and it will be a bonus. Money is a sensitive issue with people even parents and asking may cause more issues than not. Money may be tight right now for them with the state of the economy.

                For us, we are paying for our wedding and trips ourselves and contributing a little to our parents for their trips (as a surprise). We've been saving for a few years and we've actually told our families when they did offer that their contribution is paying for their trip. My parents are getting close to retirement and the way markets have been fluctuating I am sure they have lost a fair bit from their retirement funds that they won't have 20 years to gain back as the market balances out again.

                Also, saving together as a couple will teach you a bit about the person you are about to marry. Believe me, I didn't realize how much my FI was a spender and avoided all conversations about money until we started trying to prepare for our wedding. It was something we had to work on and coming to some common ground has benefited our relationship.

                #9 rodent

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                  Posted 21 September 2008 - 08:58 AM

                  i agree with what has been said. set a budget you can afford on your own. then if family members do contribute, that is bonus. you can either increase your budget for something or have more to save.

                  it would help if you knew upfront what to expect, but if they don't offer it up I wouldn't ask.

                  we paid for our wedding, but were surprised that our family gave us monetary gifts. we upped the budget a little after that & saved the rest. my original budget was $5,000 & would have been totally manageble.

                  if you can't afford it on your own, you can either consider a long engagement or a really small wedding. you could always renew your vows later or take a great anniversary trip.

                  #10 GregsBride

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                    Posted 21 September 2008 - 12:36 PM

                    I totally agree with what everyone else has said. More couples nowadays are paying for their own weddings, and if their parents decide to pitch in then it's just an extra added bonus!! My fiance and I got engaged on July 4th of this year but we aren't getting married until April of 2010. This is because I am finishing school and I didn't want planning a wedding to distract me from my studies. I would suggest just having a long engagement and that way you both can finish school and you should have plenty of time to save for the wedding you want if in fact your parents choose not to contribute to your wedding.
                    ~Christina




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