I feel so isolated and depressed
Posted 20 July 2008 - 04:15 PM
My mom and I are having issues. We have never had a strong relationship, and without my dad there to buffer between us we are defintely having problems. We are on a very restricted contact level right now. 5 minute conversations at that. Mostly because she ends up screaming at me and I refuse to have that.
My sisters are all camping together right now, with their families, and I couldnt go because I couldnt afford to take the time off work. It would of had to been unpaid since I do not have any vacation time left. I dont think Ive spoken to any of them in a few weeks either.
My friends are pretty much nonexsistent at this point. I havent spoken to any of them since memorial day. I havent reached out to them because I cant get pass the anger, and Im not sure how it would pan out. It saddens me that they couldnt even take an easy way out and shoot me an email.
I am training for a 60 mile walk, so I usually have my walking partner on the weekends. Its been nice to have her support. Unfortunately she is out of town so I went out and did a 10 mile walk alone. For the most part it was okay. Until my FI called.
The one person that is always there is my FI. But lately Ive even felt isolated from him. I know Im in some pretty bad depression right now, but he seems to steer clear of me if he can. We will be at home and just sit on the couch and watch tv, and dont really do much outside of the house. Sometimes it feels when Im talking to him hes very uninterested, and he does comment how Im sleeping all the time.
Well while out on my walk he calls and says he was out and about and stopped by his friends house. A friend that also recently lost his dad. THey were going to go see some boat races, and thought I might want to meet them. I said no thanks, I wont be done for another hour or two anyways. I dont really want to be around this particular friend right now. I see how well hes doing and how much support he has around him with friends and family, and it puts me in even a deeper depression. My FI said, well I need to get out of the house so Im going with him.
Ill admit this did upset me. He never wants to get out of the house with me. I suggested it last weekend and he blew it off. I am proud of him for sticking by his friend during his friends dads loss, but at the same time its feels like he can be there so much for his friend but not for me.
I was hestitant to post this because my FI is an amazing man. And I dont want it to come off like hes a jerk. And it may just be me lately, and my lack of communication or my over analyzing things.
But I just feel so alone. I honestly have no one to reach out to if I wanted to. I cant stop crying. I cried the rest of the walk, and still am. I just want my dad back. I just want to be happy again. I want my heart to stop hurting.
Posted 20 July 2008 - 04:28 PM
We're here for you so don't feel too alone, just reading your post made me cry a little so you aren't crying alone right now! I wish your dad was back too sweetie...hang in there
Posted 20 July 2008 - 04:29 PM
Posted 20 July 2008 - 04:33 PM
Posted 20 July 2008 - 04:35 PM
I may not know you or your FI personally but I would be pretty sure that he would do anything in his power to make the hurt go away. I know there are so many times I push my FI away because I might not think he can help me through the tough times. I am learning that he can and that he will always be here when I need a shoulder to cry on so to speak.
I still have good days and bad days. Sometimes the loss hits me out of no where and I am sad. Other times I might burst into laughter because I remember something she said or did. There are many people in my life now that never had the chance to meet her. She was amazing. I share my memories I have and that helps. I won't lie though...sometimes I still get angry. I think it is all part of the process....my healing process. My thoughts are with you. Hang in there.
Posted 20 July 2008 - 04:39 PM
i felt isolated as well. and the hard part was to let people in, and it meant that i had to cry out to them. most people just don't know what to do... so they do nothing. it's really ackward. some people can deal with it, others can't.
i know it sucks right now, and it feels like your heart will never heal. but time does help. you are not alone, and i wish you the best.
my aunt told me because i took good care of my mom when she was dying, that i would be looked after for the rest of my life. that i would never be alone and my mom would always watch after me. i know its corny, but it's true.
hope this helps.
Posted 20 July 2008 - 04:41 PM
You really do need to go and see someone tho because your depression will only get deeper if you don't.
I cried for 2 days solid when I found out dad was really poorly and won't even talk to me but now I'm not- I can't do anything to change it, make it better or bring back my mum but I can sure as hell enjoy my life because we aren't here for long.
It's not FI's fault and he isn't being horrible he's probably walking on egg shells wondering if you are going to explode or burst into tears, not to be harsh but thats probably why he doesn't want to go out either.
You need to get help for YOU everything else will drop into place after.
Just think if your dad knew you were getting into this state what would he say or do!! probably kick you up the arse and tell you to sort yourself out, give you a kiss on the cheek and you'd be fine.
You need to do this for yourself but you either have to get the help or hit the bottom,get annoyed with yourself and push yourself back up.
It WILL work out, you will always miss your dad but you will cope and have a fab life xx
Posted 20 July 2008 - 04:41 PM
Posted 20 July 2008 - 04:59 PM
Your FI probably doesn't know what to say or do. It is a very hard thing to understand unless you have exprienced it yourself. That is probably why he is allittle distant.
Hang in there we are here for you when you need us.
Posted 20 July 2008 - 05:10 PM
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users