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I need advice - annoying ex of FI


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#21 JennyK

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    Posted 15 April 2008 - 09:19 PM

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Christa
    Wow, that is a seriously sucky situation. IMO, if you are uncomfortable with her being in your lives (which you should be based on the background info), then your FI needs to respect that & stop allowing any friendship with her affect your soon to be marriage.

    I'm sorry, but being friends with someone you used to get naked with is virtually impossible without someone getting hurt - in this case it's you & it's not fair.
    Thats exactly what I tell him.. he has other good female friends who I absolutely love love love but its because they all just have a friendship, no past, and these girls all are engaged as well.. so they have their own lives and not messing with mine.

    #22 JennyK

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      Posted 15 April 2008 - 09:23 PM

      Thanks for the advice ladies.. You guys are the best. It's funny how I had to get advice before talking to him. Now I got some good words for him I'll talk to him tonight about it since this wedding that we'll see her at is this Saturday.


      BTW, I got an awesomeeeeeeeeeee hot dress to wear..

      i know i know.. I want her to look at me lol

      #23 Yari

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        Posted 15 April 2008 - 09:27 PM

        Sorry I am late to this thread. You got awesome advice.

        Good luck Jenny!

        #24 Kat81

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          Posted 15 April 2008 - 10:03 PM

          Quote:
          Originally Posted by JennyK
          Thanks for the advice ladies.. You guys are the best. It's funny how I had to get advice before talking to him. Now I got some good words for him I'll talk to him tonight about it since this wedding that we'll see her at is this Saturday.


          BTW, I got an awesomeeeeeeeeeee hot dress to wear..

          i know i know.. I want her to look at me lol
          LMAO I am the same way... If I know an ex is going to be there I want to look hot LOL.. We need pictures!

          #25 JennyK

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            Posted 15 April 2008 - 10:17 PM

            I'm a snot like that.. I even got this corset thing today to wear under the dress.. it's better than spanx.. it gives you the most nicest hourglass shape.. it holds all my flabs in place hehe It also helps you to not eat as much since its so damn tight. lol

            #26 Celina

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              Posted 15 April 2008 - 11:37 PM

              Jenny,

              I was in the same situation a couple of years ago and have since worked it out. I could go into it but it would take up several pages! LOL!

              Bottom line is you need to tell FI that his behavior and the fact that he allows her to do this is totally disrespectful to you. You can't make him choose. He is a grown man and you can't choose his friends. Making him choose isn't working. Like Ann said, you need to tell him that HE has to set boundaries with her. HE has to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and he is in a committed relationship with YOU and therefore SHE has to stop it.

              Once he stands his ground and shows her that his heart is with you she should stop just know that it may take a while. Based on her continual attempts to make it uncomfortable for you whenever you are around, he really has to stand his ground. Whatever you do, for the first couple of months (starting at Saturdays wedding) Make sure you go out with him whenever she is going to be there. Don't avoid her. Go and be polite (I know - easier said than done), but killing her with kindness will work. After you have a heart to heart with him and make sure you two are on the same page his actions will stop her behavior.

              It may take some time but trust me, it will work. My FI's excuse was that they had been friends for a long time as well. I told him I didn't care and he didn't understand why he had to change the way he carried himself around her. I had to explain to him that the things that used to be okay are no longer okay. In order to get him to understand I had to explain to him (or remind him) tht she was not the one he wanted a relationship with, he chose me and in choosing me that meant that he could still be her friend, but the total disregard for my feelings in the way he played up to her and into her little stupid games was was absolutely going to stop or I was out the door.

              Fortunately my FI's heart was true and was in the right place and while it took him some time to get it under control it has worked out. It has taken almost 4 years for me to even talk to this girl. I know they still see eachother at work (she goes in when she is off - they both work at the same bar, just not on the same nights) However, we both go places where she is and because we run in the same circle of friends he had to be the one to put her straight. I would say for the past year, I have tried to be her friend. Not in a friendly kind of way, but in a social kind of way (does that make sense?)

              I know where he and I stand and I think she knows her place now. I have invited her to some of our parties and she has invited me to some of her parties. Don't think I go to her parties alone - you can be sure I have one of my girls with me! I just try to be civil. We are in NO WAY best friends, I am just nice and myself.

              When I see her I do make sure my E ring is extra sparkly and I always look good. I make sure to drop a line or two about OUR son and wedding plans but hey those are the things going on in my life. She is married, childless, jobless and is a party girl! Haha!

              As for your SIL - my advice would be to not even mention "T" to her. There is no doubt that you are going to run into her at some point, so you kind of have to make it work out. Start with a good sit down with your FI first. Keep your relationship with your SIL just that - she is your SIL. Don't gossip with her or tell her too much. I would definitely keep her at arms length.

              Good luck!
              ~Celina
              "Love is not who you live with...it's who you can't live without"

              #27 lambert13

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                Posted 16 April 2008 - 09:08 AM

                I'm a bit late to this one, but....

                I'm going to piggyback on Ann's advice.

                1. When you say that it's not him that you don't trust, it's her......what you really mean is that you don't trust him around her. If you thought he had golden intentions and unwavering fidelity, it wouldn't matter what she did because you would know that he would reject anything she tried. Not saying that it's bad to think that way, but placing the blame on her instead of him is not right.

                2. Ann was right that it is his responsibility to tell T what he wants to happen, not yours. And he can't shift the blame onto you when he talks to her. Otherwise it comes off as "I don't really want to stop talking to you, but I have to because of Jenny". That gives her an open door to keep on behaving like she is.

                3. As for the wrestling match........ whether you were there, walking towards them or 1000 miles away it is his responsibility to stop shit like that from happening. That just aint right. That should be stopped by HIM not you because he does not want to disrespect you whether you are there or not.

                4. You can't try to convince your future sister inlaw about this girl either. It's not your place. Even by 'giving your side of the story' you are trying to get her to think about T the way you do. Especially if she and T have been friends for 10 years. She obviously sees something in T that makes her want to be friends with her and it's not up to you to change it.

                #28 becks

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                Posted 16 April 2008 - 09:35 AM

                You've gotten some pretty good advice here, so I can't add much except to reinforce that FI has to take responsibility for this. He needs to be the one to set and maintain boundaries and to call T out when she oversteps them.

                Your job is to be sweet (to the point of nausea) to her, enforce the vision of your perfect relationship with FI around her (hold hands, smile little kisses, etc.) and to make sure that there's no idea in her mind that she bothers you in the least.

                Remember - she doesn't want FI. She only wants to know that she could if she changed her mind. So just make sure she knows that he's with you, he loves you and there's nothing in the world that will change it.

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                #29 BarefootBride

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                  Posted 16 April 2008 - 10:02 AM

                  First off Jenny, WHO THE HELL INVITED HER TO THE WEDDING?... what table are you guys gonna be sitting at together? WTF?

                  First of all..... You need to ask FI if he NEEDS her in his life? His answer should be no... but if its yes... you need to let FI go! Oh I feel horrible saying that... but its you or her... I would scare the living heck out of him and tell him that... it might take a few days for him to realize that you arent going to be in his life but honestly, if you are going to be his wife you and your happiness is NUMBER 1 and if he choses her well... its better to find out now than later because it looks like this ex girlfriend thing is going to come up all the time.

                  As far as same circle of friends... umm this is not high school anymore, you and FI will find MANY other friends to hang with. You dont have to hang with your current circle of friends all the damn time. And if shes there I say ignore the biotch and FI better act nonchalant too... There should be absolutely no touching or flirting involved. If she crosses the line, FI need to get the courage enough to get her straight and walk away!

                  You seem to have been going through this for awhile now, FI probably knows that you are going to eventually give in so he is not going to get rid of his friend for you.... thats probably so blunt and mean to say... but I mean no disrespect. I have been in your situation about a "friend". And I had to nip that crap in the bud because I know that I want to be with someone who puts me first and wants to see me happy... A EX like that would not settle well with me. I encourage you to stand up for your self (especially if you are having negative feelings about this girl) and tell him HELL NO!

                  #30 plumsugar

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                    Posted 16 April 2008 - 10:48 AM

                    Quote:
                    Originally Posted by becks
                    Remember - she doesn't want FI. She only wants to know that she could if she changed her mind. So just make sure she knows that he's with you, he loves you and there's nothing in the world that will change it.
                    I totally agree with this!! Some people (b*ches lol) love causing drama in other people's relationships due to JEALOUSY! Don't feed the pig.

                    You're FI needs to lay down some serious boundries with this friend out of respect for himself, you, and you're relationship. This is especially true if he can clearly see how upset their "relationship" makes you and you are to be married.




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