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nenamono

Any one else NOT changing their last name?

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With less than 2 months to go, I'm still not sure. The only reason I would change is because I would feel guilty or like I am hurting my husband. But that I feel is not a good enough reason.

 

I'm definately waivering towards keeping my last name. I feel strongly that it is part of my identity and I've had it for 30 years.

 

FI is disapointed when I say I won't take his last name. He even claimed it will make us less of a family once. That really irritated me. A family is much more than a name. It is about love and commitment, respect. When I suggested he take my last name or we combine ours, he said, well that isn't the way things are done. Wow, I did not realize we were living in the 1800's. This really set me off. I mean just because it is a patriarchal tradition doesn't mean it is one that always needs to be followed or make it right. In Canada you could legally rape your wife until 1982.

 

My FMIL tried to make me feel bad by saying she was honoured to take her husbands name. Yeah so what? She was married at 19 years old and went from her parents home to the marriage one. Also, it was a different time period.

 

Please don't take this as me disrespecting women who take their husbands last name. The beauty is that women should have the choice one way or another and do what they most feel comfortable about.

 

I guess my irritation stems from the fact that my fiancee is generally not 'traditional' or 'sexist'. I was shocked by his stance on this matter as it does not reflect him in any other way.

 

He really just feels strongly that he wants to keep his name because it represents his father and grandfather. I get that and would never expect him to give it up. The only reason I suggested to FI that he take my last name or combine ours is so he would reflect on that for a moment and see what a momentous decision that would be and what he was asking of me. Why can't he understand that my name reflects my families. Also, I only have 2 sisters and my one brother passed away so I feel like my dad's name won't be passed on if I don't keep it.

 

Finally, another thing I'm struggling with is why does the last name automatically go to the father? They are just as much the woman's children as the man's and lets face it, the woman goes throuh alot more in terms of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding..ect.

I'm saddened that I can't give my last name to my children as would he be if it were reversed.

 

Uggh I wish this decision was easier but its not and I am nowhere near resolving it.

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Originally Posted by nat4crim View Post
With less than 2 months to go, I'm still not sure. The only reason I would change is because I would feel guilty or like I am hurting my husband. But that I feel is not a good enough reason.

I'm definately waivering towards keeping my last name. I feel strongly that it is part of my identity and I've had it for 30 years.

FI is disapointed when I say I won't take his last name. He even claimed it will make us less of a family once. That really irritated me. A family is much more than a name. It is about love and commitment, respect. When I suggested he take my last name or we combine ours, he said, well that isn't the way things are done. Wow, I did not realize we were living in the 1800's. This really set me off. I mean just because it is a patriarchal tradition doesn't mean it is one that always needs to be followed or make it right. In Canada you could legally rape your wife until 1982.

My FMIL tried to make me feel bad by saying she was honoured to take her husbands name. Yeah so what? She was married at 19 years old and went from her parents home to the marriage one. Also, it was a different time period.

Please don't take this as me disrespecting women who take their husbands last name. The beauty is that women should have the choice one way or another and do what they most feel comfortable about.

I guess my irritation stems from the fact that my fiancee is generally not 'traditional' or 'sexist'. I was shocked by his stance on this matter as it does not reflect him in any other way.

He really just feels strongly that he wants to keep his name because it represents his father and grandfather. I get that and would never expect him to give it up. The only reason I suggested to FI that he take my last name or combine ours is so he would reflect on that for a moment and see what a momentous decision that would be and what he was asking of me. Why can't he understand that my name reflects my families. Also, I only have 2 sisters and my one brother passed away so I feel like my dad's name won't be passed on if I don't keep it.

Finally, another thing I'm struggling with is why does the last name automatically go to the father? They are just as much the woman's children as the man's and lets face it, the woman goes throuh alot more in terms of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding..ect.
I'm saddened that I can't give my last name to my children as would he be if it were reversed.

Uggh I wish this decision was easier but its not and I am nowhere near resolving it.
I'm with you.....100%. I feel just as strongly about the subject as you do.

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Nat - I hear you too....In the course of my conversations with my FI he occassionally made some comments (under the auspicious of "I'm only joking!") that I found offensive and my reaction to them was to suggest swinging even farther from "tradition" because I no longer felt like compromising....I felt spiteful because he'd really hurt my feelings. I did't buy the "I'm only kidding" routine. I found it passive aggressive. Eventually though he came around and (while not thrilled) has been really understanding and that has made it easier for me when it comes to the idea of our future children and giving them his last name "officially" without hyphenating.

 

I think a lot of times men don't realize how much easier they would make their own lives if they would just acknowledge that issues don't have to be divided into black and white...there are nuances. It doesn't make them really bad people to both acknowledge that the tradition is unfair and then admit that they still want to abid by it anyway because it's all they've ever known or imagined. Nobody likes change. At least then we can have a conversation about it as opposed to an argument. It was only when my FI and I came to that point that we were able to come to an understanding on the issue. But believe me, it took some time and we may still have to revisit it yet!

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Originally Posted by nat4crim View Post
When I suggested he take my last name or we combine ours, he said, well that isn't the way things are done. Wow, I did not realize we were living in the 1800's. This really set me off. I mean just because it is a patriarchal tradition doesn't mean it is one that always needs to be followed or make it right.
Funny, mine suggested changing his name to mine because it is not ordinary, and I like his because it is ordinary. We joked that we could swap names..haha

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I hate how even my own mother does not agree with me and that men have most of their family, friends and society on their side. FI said that if he took my name people would make fun of him. That irks me so much. I thought this was 2008.

 

Also, am I the only woman who is questioning the automatic practice of giving children their dad's last name? Am I crazy to think that it should be equal or at least there should be some recognintion that it can go either way.

 

And on another note, if I were to trace a family tree I think its more accurate to follow the maternal line since you know 100% that the child is the mothers but things happen and you never know for sure if some women along the line stepped out... :)

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Originally Posted by nat4crim View Post
I hate how even my own mother does not agree with me and that men have most of their family, friends and society on their side. FI said that if he took my name people would make fun of him. That irks me so much. I thought this was 2008.

Also, am I the only woman who is questioning the automatic practice of giving children their dad's last name? Am I crazy to think that it should be equal or at least there should be some recognintion that it can go either way.

And on another note, if I were to trace a family tree I think its more accurate to follow the maternal line since you know 100% that the child is the mothers but things happen and you never know for sure if some women along the line stepped out... :)
That is so true about family trees! The only benefit to tracing men is that all men in a family have the same Y chromosome. So you can tell if any two men are related. But, when the system was set up to use the male name this wasn't known.

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This post has forced me to really sit down and discuss with my FH what we are going to do about the name thing. This is what we have decided and I think it is the fairest solution for us.

 

If we have children, I get 95% say over their first names. However, if there is a name I pick that he clearly hates I will take that into consideration.

 

If we have a daughter, her middle name will be Elizabeth after my mother.

 

If we have a son, his middle name will be Michael after my brother who passed away.

 

Our children's last name will be my last name, his last name. No hyphen, just a space between it. They can choose to just go by his last name or go by both of ours. The important part is that my last name will be on their legal documents. His last name is last since that was the compromise but it also sounds better that way.

 

As for me I will add his last name onto mine, no hyphen. I will go by both my last name and his last name so I guess I better get used to writting out two last names for now on :)

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Oh and FH is currently thinking about adding my last name before his. He will still just go by his last name but I think this will give our children more of an incintive to go by my last name his last name versus just going by his last name.

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I will be taking his last name. I do agree with some of you that it will be weird to not have my name I've had for the last 25 years but I am a bit old fashioned I guess and I want to have the same last name as he does. I will be proud to have his name. I have a cousin who got married and her first name and last name are now the same name with a mild difference in pronounciation, I don't think I would have changed it if that were me!!

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What is great about it is that we now have so many choices! There's no right or wrong or just the one option anymore. The right thing to do is what's right for you as a couple.

 

As for me, I'm still not 100% sure what we'll do yet, but this is the idea so far. Since I don't have a middle name, I will change my current last name to my middle name. So my full name will be something like this: Myfirstname Mymaidenname Hislastname

 

And he might change his middle name to my maiden name. Then we would do the same for the kids. Their middle name would be my maiden name and their last name will be his. So then our family would all have the same middle and last names.

 

I really like the idea of our kids having both our family names incorporated.

 

This is a great thread - I love to hear what other people are doing! As for one of the previous posters who has the same last name as her FI, she is so lucky! Problem solved!

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