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midsummerbride

Feeling guilty about DW

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How do you get over the feeling of guilt for having a Destination Wedding?

 

My Fiance live in Pennsylvania and are having a DW in Scotland. There are several reasons why.

 

1. My Fiance has a huge family, and we don't want a huge wedding. To invite his aunts, uncles, and cousins (but not children of his cousins) that alone is over 80 people.

 

2. My Fiance and his parents don't speak to each other anymore (abusive father, etc.) and we don't want them coming to the wedding or being able to come if they hear about it.

 

3. My Fiance has aunts and uncles on his father's side who are very nice people, however, they have serious alcohol (and then behavior) problems. We don't want to just not invite them to the wedding, because unlike his father, they are good people who just have some alcohol problems. We want them in our lives without having to worry about them getting drunk and making a scene (or doing what they did at a cousin's wedding - going out back and smoking marijuana).

 

4. Scotland is amazing and I know my family members would love to see our clan's castle.

 

We were just stressing about what to do with his family... its all been hard on us, but we do NOT want them at the wedding. Even if we had a dry wedding (which we would if they came), I know they would do something. That would ruin our relationship with them and we don't want that since they are able to behave when we're one-on-one. And if we went anywhere in the states, most of them would still probably come.

 

However, they won't come to Scotland.

 

Initially my mom agreed that this is what we should do, as most of my family will be able to afford it but my fiance's won't.

 

But now my mom is being weird. Saying we'll have no guests. Acting very lukewarm about the whole thing. But I know my parents and brother (and his fiance) will be able to come, and I don't have any grandparents. There aren't really any people who can't come holding me back.

 

Even though she hasn't said anything to try to guilt me, I do feel guilty. We know that many guests we would like to come can't come and we're okay with that. We're going to have an informal get together when we return. Its not like I'm "expecting" anyone to come, and I know many of my family members would love to go to Scotland, but just haven't had the opportunity to yet.

 

 

Anyone else have stories of how you felt guilty? I'm trying so hard not to. Advice and your own personal experiences are welcome. =)

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I understand the dilemma, but you just have to do what is right for you.  I mainly feel guilty when my mom talks about how she wants all these people to be there (mostly people I don't know very well if at all, mind you).  They are helping financially so I feel a little bad that they can't have everyone they want there.  BUT.  It is our wedding, not theirs - they already got to have theirs - and I'm contributing about half of the cost too.  Money aside, because I really think that's secondary, it's YOUR day.  I understand the guilt but I think you have to try your best to let it roll off!

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I have no guilt for choosing to have our wedding in Mexico... My FI is just as excited as me, it will be a dream for us to be married on a beach with our toes in the sand. His parents however have done nothing but give us grief about every little step. THEY want a more grandiose wedding where they can invite 100 of THEIR closest friends and aquaintences.  Our wedding website was not up to par for them because it was "misleading" to people and they said reading it would make people think they were invited, and they have so many people who they were not allowed to invite, etc. It has been one thing after another with their unhappiness in our decisions. This has weighed on me heavily through the process because of the guilt trip they are giving us. It pretty much brought me to breakdown at one point and cancel the entire thing. 

But then I realized, it's OUR day. My FI and I deserve to have OUR day, the way that WE want it. It is very hard to let all the negativity roll off and not affect you at times. I have just started to put a wall up with my future in-laws. I don't give out any details or even talk about the wedding to the nay sayers. I only talk to my FI, my mom and our friends who are as excited and as positive about the whole thing as we are. We are in the early planning stages as it sounds like you are too. You will get the hang of things and how to best deal with everyone and what they think. Just keep doing what YOU want and what makes YOU happy. The people who really matter will be there for your day, and they will have a blast.
 

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I also don't feel guilty, like others say, it's our day and it's what we want! It's our one time to be selfish! 

 

The one thing that drives me crazy is when I'm talking to random people and when they find out I am engaged they ask "When's the big day?" and then the next questions is "Congratulations, are you getting married here in Charlotte?" And when my response is, "No, actually Cancun, we've decided to do a Destination Wedding." The majority of people just give me the strangest looks and their whole demeanor changes. It's people I don't know very well so I could care less what they think, it just gets on my nerves! With that said, there are a few folks who get really excited when I say it and they tell me how cool it is. Everyone I've talked to that has had a "traditional/local" wedding has said if they could do it over again, they'd do a destination wedding. That always makes me feel good about our choice! ;-)

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Originally Posted by shannonmarie View Post

 

I also don't feel guilty, like others say, it's our day and it's what we want! It's our one time to be selfish! 

 

The one thing that drives me crazy is when I'm talking to random people and when they find out I am engaged they ask "When's the big day?" and then the next questions is "Congratulations, are you getting married here in Charlotte?" And when my response is, "No, actually Cancun, we've decided to do a Destination Wedding." The majority of people just give me the strangest looks and their whole demeanor changes. It's people I don't know very well so I could care less what they think, it just gets on my nerves! With that said, there are a few folks who get really excited when I say it and they tell me how cool it is. Everyone I've talked to that has had a "traditional/local" wedding has said if they could do it over again, they'd do a destination wedding. That always makes me feel good about our choice! ;-)

 

I totally agree, my friend got married in Vegas but wanted to do it in Puerto Rico. She said to not let ANYONE make us change our mind and to do what we want to do, because she has regretted her decision to have her wedding in Vegas ever since. DW's are definitely a different kind of wedding "stress" but only from the people who can't get past tradition. I've been called selfish for doing a DW, but I'm finally to the point that I can let the negativity roll off without fretting over it. They don't have to come and it's their loss for missing a kick A$$ vacation with those of us who are going. :)

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Originally Posted by DiggityDawn View Post

 

 

I totally agree, my friend got married in Vegas but wanted to do it in Puerto Rico. She said to not let ANYONE make us change our mind and to do what we want to do, because she has regretted her decision to have her wedding in Vegas ever since. DW's are definitely a different kind of wedding "stress" but only from the people who can't get past tradition. I've been called selfish for doing a DW, but I'm finally to the point that I can let the negativity roll off without fretting over it. They don't have to come and it's their loss for missing a kick A$$ vacation with those of us who are going. :)

I agree completely!  Their loss!  My parents aren't going to mine (albiet this is my 2nd marriage)...their excuse is that they don't like to travel...oh well, I say.....I'm not going to change my mind...My 23 year old son will be the one giving me away.   I'm going with 78 friends and family and having a fantastic celebration!  I don't feel any guilt...People need to respect the fact that it's not their occassion...they either can come or chose not to but shouldn't judge you for your choices.  This is an excellent opportunity to travel with friends and family and I'm going to have a blast!!!!! It's my day or should I say week! LOL

 

Midsummerbride:  Do what YOU want to do! It's your special day and as long as your FI is okay with your choice, that's all that matters....go to Scotland, just the 2 of you alone if you have to!!

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midsummerbride... I totally understand how you are feeling.

 

People in my family are making us feel so guilty for having a DW especially as the cost goes up and up.

I keep hearing about how expensive it is for everyone to travel. I get so frustrated because people think its so much more expensive for them. Really they are attending a wedding but also going on vacation. Plus what I have ended up telling people is when I've been a bridesmaid for friends/ family (i think 6times now) the costs are almost as much. Dress, shoes, accessories, hair, make-up bridal shower gift, wedding gift and bachelorette party can add up some where close.

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I know it is easier said than done, but DO NOT feel guilty about fulfilling your own wedding plans. If you do what other people want, you will only make yourself miserable. If you and your FI are in agreement about your plans than go for it and good luck!!!!

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ASt rthe end of the day, you have to do what is right for you and your FI - after all, you only get to do this once, so you might as well do it right by you

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