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VENT again. My Fiance refuses to help with a rehearsal dinner. Opinions? HELP PLEASE!

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#1 SparksFly

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    Posted 30 January 2012 - 07:48 AM



    So more wedding drama...LOVE IT!


    Since we are having a DW in Mexico (at an all-inclusive) we are not having a rehearsal dinner.


    My family is paying for the entire reception, including the hotel for some of my mom's friends-- and a few of mine ( my MOH that is coming from singapore = a $2400 flight for her.- So I am paying for her hotel).




    While frustrating that my mom is paying for some of her friends, my mom is still paying for her "part" of the whole wedding -- aka the ceremony, cocktail hour, and reception.


    My mom is telling me that my fiance should foot the bill for the photographer instead of a rehearsal dinner, but he doesn't think he should have to pay at all!  He is well established in his career, and has saved $100's of thousands of dollars in the past. He states that he already paid for our honeymoon to Mexico, and an engagement ring...so that's enough.


    I am stuck between the both of them, because my fiance doesn't feel like he should pay for anything because we are not "helping" pay for any of his friends. Who are also all in their 30's and established.


    I told him I would compromise and use half of what is leftover for our friends budget and let him offer to his friends.


    He should help out with the photog right? I am stuck between my mother and fiancee. HELP PLEASE I AM DESPERATE

    #2 Sharon99

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      Posted 30 January 2012 - 10:06 AM

      Sorry, but in my honest opinion you should pay for whatever you want. Its your wedding. Maybe the both of you(not your mom) can pay for your photographer or rehearsal dinner & not just him. That may make him feel better even if you just offer.


      #3 acireta

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        Posted 30 January 2012 - 11:14 AM

        Shouldn't you guys be paying for all that stuff together? If your mom is giving you all the money for the wedding, why should he have to throw in money of his own instead of pulling from the wedding fund? I guess I'm confused as to why it's a comparison of who is paying for which events and guests. Isn't photography usually part of the overall budget, especially if you have a $20-30k wedding budget, even if you're paying for some guests' expenses? I guess I'm confused.

        Erica & Al - April 3, 2012 - St. Thomas, USVI

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        #4 SparksFly

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          Posted 30 January 2012 - 11:32 AM

          Thank you for your opinions.


          I just think that my fiancee should help pay for some parts of the wedding that traditionally the groom is responsible for. His parents have very little money, but my parents offered to pay for his parents flight and hotel for 5 days during the wedding under our budget.


          Just because my parents have offered to pay for the wedding, doesn't mean that my fiancee is completely relieved of helping pay for any of it. I have been laying out thousands of dollars left and right and he can't help pay for a photographer?

          #5 JessiTaylor

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            Posted 30 January 2012 - 11:47 AM


            To me it's like he doesnt understand its your (plural) wedding instead of your (only you) wedding. I don't see why he should expect for his friends to be "helped" financially.... generally guests pay for themselves. I guess its a bit different since your mum's guests are paid for, and a few of yours....but then you are paying for his family to come so i don't see why he has an issue.


            I can kind of understand your mum getting a bit frustrated...and saying he should pay for one aspect of the wedding itself (unless he was incredibly poor which you already said he isn't!)


            This post is basically to say i understand and i would feel the same way - but im sorry, i can't for the life of me think of a solution! If he is adamant he doesn't want to pay for the photographer - theres no way of making him and pushing the issue is only going to cause tension. It does seem a little bit strange that he considers his part to be "done" though, given that there are so many pieces that make up a wedding

            #6 joda

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              Posted 30 January 2012 - 12:06 PM

              I guess my relationship with my fiancĀ© is different as we have been together for over 10 years and already have a son, so our finances are very much combined. In my case this wouldn't even be a question of his money versus your money (together), so maybe that is why I am scratching my head? If you have a budget for the wedding and your Mum had agreed to pay a certain amount, and now you have gone over, where is the money supposed to come from? Why does he not want to help out for *your* day? I don't know, I wish I had good advice but I really just feel confused and I hope you guys work it out.

              #7 Smirk

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                Posted 30 January 2012 - 12:27 PM

                1) Get credit card.


                2) Use credit card to purchase photographer's services.


                3) Problem solved.


                Look, the following in this post isn't going to go over well on this forum, mostly because its from a Groom's perspective. However, I read this forum with my fiance and often think: This forum desperately needs a massive dose of blunt honesty.


                Listen: You and your Groom should be splitting some bills. Anything you get from your parents is extra, or as we say down here "lagniappe". It sounds like you are getting a LOT from your parents, so you don't have a lot to complain about.


                If his parents or your parents don't want to pay for something, then YOU should be paying for it, without ANY questions asked or whining.


                If your Groom has saved "100's of thousands of dollars" and doesn't want to help you with all of the expenses of the wedding, especially something as basic as a photographer, you may want to re-assess your relationship. Seriously. Sorry if that's harsh, but its the truth.


                Last bit of advice: RELAX. Take matters into YOUR OWN hands. Now! You'll be less stressed when YOU control things.


                Its one day in your life. Part of the point of having a destination wedding is having FUN, and it doesn't sound like you're having much. Getting along with your future husband, his family, your family, and keeping yourselves financially responsible for the future is far more important than any relatively minor part of a "big day". All of those other things are much more important to the success of your marriage.


                (and yeah, I'm a Groom...I just haven't changed all the profile stuff yet)

                #8 Jamie5280

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                  Posted 07 February 2012 - 10:51 AM

                  And some more drama!! HAHAHA! :)  We all go through it!  It wouldn't be a wedding without it!!!


                  But like most of the others have said, I am confused why it would be an issue for him to help pay for his and your wedding?  I don't agree that your mom should use your wedding budget for her friends, that should come out separately.  Maybe that is what his problem is, your mom offers you money and then gives it to her friends?


                  Many of us do not understand this situation as a lot of us are paying for our weddings ourselves with NO outside help, so that leads me back to your FI.  I cannot fathom why your FI would not contribute?  That's just crazy to me!  My FI and I have both used our savings (personal and joint) without problem or question.  I would be pretty upset if my FI was refusing to help pay!  and I would questions him as to why he won't help, and is this how it's going to be when your married???? 


                  I disagree with getting a CC unless you can pay it off every month (which is what we do) but a lot of people can't do that, so I would not go into debt for it!


                  Hope you get it figured out!!!  Good luck!!!

                  #9 JessiTaylor

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                    Posted 07 February 2012 - 11:57 AM


                    So SparksFly - has anything changed?! have you talked about it? Im pretty curious as to how it turns out!

                    #10 SparksFly

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                      Posted 07 February 2012 - 01:49 PM

                      Thank you for your responses.



                      I don't need a credit card to pay for a photographer. I do have the money to pay for a photographer outright. I have no problem paying for the photographer, but it would be NICE if he offered to contribute a little more $$ if needed.



                      My fiance thinks that my parents offered to pay for the wedding, so they should pay for all aspects of the wedding. 


                      My mom thinks my fiance is a 32 year old man who makes a nice salary ( as do I), and we should help pay for SOME parts of the wedding. I will say though that my mother thinks that since she and my father are putting so much money in from our side of the family, that his side should help with SOMETHING.


                      The worst part is that my Fiance's mother agrees that the grooms side of the family should help pay for something (she is very traditional), but she is really struggling financially right now (hence why my parents offered to pay for her NONSTOP flight and hotel for 5 days). I would not accept help from her, but I would love if my fiance would pitch in beyond "i paid for the honeymoon and engagement ring so thats it".


                      Bottom line: it's not the money, its the principle that he could help out, but is refusing for other BS reasons.

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