Huge Drama that leads to a dilemma...please give me advice!
Posted 22 February 2010 - 11:16 AM
What I've learned lately, and in all of this wedding planning is that it's better to be the better person. invite her to the shower, and be SO NICE to her - she won't know what hit her...and you will be the better person. everyone will see how nice you are, and what a beyatch she is if she doesn't respond in kind. or better yet, invite her, and maybe she'll say no.
Unfortunately, she's married to your FI's brother, so she's going to be around, so it's your time to show how awesome you are, and how awful she is.
Posted 22 February 2010 - 11:21 AM
It likely will be difficult to have her negative energy around at a special event but it sounds like she is not social/friendly type so will probably stay away. So long as you continue to be polite then she can't won't have anything to use to create more lies. It sounds like she has some personal issues that she needs to work on. Hopefully this experience will shed some light on how disrespectful, shellfish and negative person she is and maybe realize being like this to others who treat her with kindness and respect don't deserve this.
As far as it stands, she is not going away and future family functions can become very very stressful if she and her husband don't come to the wedding...
what goes around comes around.
Posted 22 February 2010 - 11:24 AM
You are doing it for your FI, his bro and your future in-laws. Not her.
AND I think it is perfectly fine to keep her out of the wedding party, that is what she wanted. But she needs to be invited to the events.
Posted 22 February 2010 - 12:04 PM
Posted 22 February 2010 - 12:14 PM
| Originally Posted by MexicoBeachBride2010 |
I feel stuck and need some outside advice. Back when we started planning our wedding my fiance's brother got engaged after 5 months of dating and married just over a year after meeting. This wouldn't be a big issue but the woman he married isn't really friendly and doesn't try to get to know my fiance and I. After their wedding things with them looked to be improving so we decided to ask them to be in our wedding. Big Mistake! Since then she has been a constant source of stress and doesn't come to wedding related things. She also never seems interested in our wedding stuff and never even talks to me. I decided to talk with her about how I was feeling and used I statements alot. During our conversation she became incredibly nasty and rude and just made me feel awful. She also told me to find someone else to be in the wedding. Because of this I don't want her to come to my bridal shower and did not extend an invitation to her. She has been a constant gloomy cloud over our wedding and my fiance and I have had enough. We told my FI's parents that unless her attitude changes she is not welcome to participate in any of our wedding events i.e. shower, ceremony, reception etc. Now my fi's parents have been hinting that I should invite her to my shower and my FI's brother (also a groomsman) has told my fi's parents that if she isn't invited she doesn't want to come to the wedding. So my dilemma is do I just suck it up and invite her or do I stand my ground. Throughout this process I have continually tried to make things better with her and she doesn't ever try. She also told my fi's parents that I yelled at her and kicked her out of the wedding, which is a total lie! My fiance and I both agree that she doesn't need to be at my shower and our ceremony/reception however we don't want his brother to not come because of her. I just don't know what to do. I just want to finally have a stress free and happy time planning my wedding since thus far being a bride has not been and it's mostly due to her. I just feel only people who love and support should be included in these special events and since she made it clear she doesn't I don't see why she has to come.
Any insight/advice/experiences will be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
I had a very similar experience with one of my bridesmaids. She was actually one of my closest friends but we both changed a lot during the past 2 years. Myself because I met my fianc© and she because she got a promotion in her job (and now she is just flying a little too high). So what happened was that she started to dislike my fianc© because she was jealous about the fact that we still have a better quality of life even though she has this great job and does well now. She once came to our place (she lives in a very small town and we live in NYC), stayed for 12 days. We drove her around, showed her all the sightseeing stuff and ended up paying EVERYTHING for her (groceries, going out, eating out, gas, tolls, entrances, parking fees, etc.). But after that vacation what she did was to make it clear in every possible situation that she thinks that my fianc© is acting weird or wrong and has a "bad attitude towards everything".
What I didnt realize at the beginning was that she just got really selfish and didnt want me to be with him because obviously we do so well because he has the better job and if I wouldnt be with him I would be "lower class" than her again. so she started saying things like: "I have mixed feelings towards your relationship with him", etc.
But when we got engaged last year in August, I called her to tell her the great news and her first reaction was: "oh great, so you know who will be your bridesmaid, right?" I was really overwhelmed and just stuttered "well, yees, okaaay"...
But to come to the point: She developed the same attitude towards my wedding as your FBIL, never showing up, hating to talk about wedding related stuff, even worse, complaining about everything I did and trying to force through her opinion all the time. I had no idea how to handle that situation because I was just not happy with her being in the wedding party. Especially because my fianc© had enough of her too.
I waited for the right moment and there it was: she started bitching about the fact that I want her to wear the same dress as my second bridesmaid. So I said: "listen girl, its not about what YOU want on MY wedding." her reaction was: "ok, thats it, I had enough of your wedding bullsh!t, maybe you should stop worrying about something that is 11 months away and instead get more useful things done!" we got off like that and I wrote her a very honest email about what I think about her and why I think she is acting this way.
What came back, really surprised me: first of all she said she wanted to apologize for that conversation and that she really appreciates our friendship, bla bla... but of course there was a but again... she started to point out mistakes of my fianc© again.... I called her and told her what I felt and that it really makes me sad that she is acting like that and that I didnt think I made the wrong choice with her at the beginning but now I just doubt if she is the person who should stand at the altar with us "wittnessing" our relationship even though she doesnt like us being together. of course it pissed her off that she could possibly loose her "title" as bridesmaid. So she started to threaten me, like: I wont come to your wedding if I wont be your bridesmaid, etc.... So I had 2 possibilities: keeping her as BM or getting rid of her and risking that she won´t come (we know each other for over 10 years now!!). I got rid of her, writing her an email again, stating that she is not supporting at all and that I just think she would be better of as one of my guests, wearing what she wants, showing up when she wants, etc. Nothing came back so far... it´s been almost 2 weeks now...
So my advice to you MexicoBeachBride: Definitely get rid of her being in the wedding party... she wont change unless you show her the limits. but do it in a smart way. you have to show her the mistakes she did and that you feel really bad about what happened between you and her. tell her that you thought you guys would get along great and have so much fun together. make her a bad conscience by saying you are really regretting what happened so far and that you never thought that it will turn out this way. but then be honest and tell her that you think there are other persons who really care about you and your fianc© who would love to be in the wedding party and do all the wedding organization with you. tell her, you still want her to come to the shower, hoping that you can work it out in an adult way (without running to the parents in law and complaining) but make sure you tell her that there is definitely more behind when being a supportive and helpful bridesmaid and being part of the wedding party. thats why it would be better if you would chose somebody else...
if this girl is smart enough, she will realize what she did wrong and that you have other stuff to take care of than her being such a burden for you and your fianc©. if you find a way to make her feel bad, showing her that YOU are the nice and understanding person who tried to make things better from the beginning but she didnt make a move, she will probably stop to act like that...
of course there are persons who just dont get it, that they acted wrong. but you have to take the risk, otherwise you wont be happy about your wedding. and you HAVE THE RIGHT to be happy about it. its such an amazing and important step in your life. a one time experience! nobody should try to cloud it. because all the people who really care about you and love you, will be happy for you!!!
Posted 22 February 2010 - 12:42 PM
but I just know how it feels when you carry around a burden like that without solving it for yourself
PLEEASE dont just suck it up!! Try to find a solution that is relieving for you. That doesnt mean you have to ignore her and just invite her to the shower hoping that she wont show up and also assuming that she wont resist on her position as your BM.
Find a calm second with her to talk about everything or call/email her explaining her how it came so far and make a suggestion to solve it. ask her also, why she tries to make it so hard for you and if she has a problem with something you dont know about. offer her also that you will be willing to try to accept or understand her point of view if there were any mistakes from your side. but she has to open her mouth and talk to you like an adult!!
Posted 22 February 2010 - 02:06 PM
I think you're totally right to not like this girl and she sounds like a nightmare (lying to the inlaws!) but as soon as you try to exclude her from the wedding and the reception you become the bad guy. If there's a rift in the family because of this they'll blame you and your wedding. You probably don't want to start your new life together like that. If you back down now then you're the bigger person, and if she decides not to attend or acts poorly when she's there then she looks like the bitch that she is.
Posted 22 February 2010 - 02:14 PM
| Originally Posted by carly |
I didn't read any other advice yet, but I think you should invite. Whether you like her or not won't change the fact that she's going to be your sister-in-law. You don't have to talk to her at your shower if you don't want to, but I think you do need to invite her. I know, I know, totally not what you wanted to hear, but you really don't want to start off your new life with this family on such a sour note.
Posted 22 February 2010 - 02:26 PM
that doesnt sound right to me...
Posted 22 February 2010 - 02:31 PM
| Originally Posted by christinak82 |
@ melidell: so do you think she should after all keep this girl in the wedding party? I dont think this girl deserves that.. she doesnt appreciate it at all!! she shouldnt get the impression that no matter what she did/does she can continue like that without having any consequences and limits. Because somehow she will still be treated as an important part of the wedding.
that doesnt sound right to me...
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