I really need to vent...Long

[jk1101]

FI and I have been fighting/arguing a lot lately.

2 weeks ago it was really bad, started over something stupid but could have even been relationship ending, where he said he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me...a devastating thing to hear. I'd talked to his mom about it, only because she was at the house and saw me crying. She told me how he told her how much he loved me every time they spoke, and although it was a horrible thing to say, she didn't think for one minute he meant it, and she even told me how to deal with him....she knows him best and she was right.

It was a bad weekend then, but we made up, and for the last 2 weeks, things were going along quite smoothly. I started my new job, so instead of being home all the time, I'm never home - I'm gone about 12 hours a day...he gets home really early from work, so now he misses me a lot, which he's been telling me all the time. I've been a little wary of things since the fight, but it's been nice to hear him telling me how much he loves me and misses me all the time.

 

So this Friday, we were planning to go out after I came home. I had a crazy day and didn't get home till 7:30. I was tired, and wasn't my talkative self when I got home. I was willing to go out, but by 9 he said he didn't want to go anymore, and I could make it up to him the next night, and at least we could lay in bed and sleep in the next morning.

 

Yesterday, he decided he wanted to get up early and go to the gym. So I got up with him. He was also supposed to fix a blinker light in my car, and install my satelite radio ( that part was supposed to be part of my bday gift from almost 2 months ago). I thought it was my left FRONT blinker = he said it was my Right. When I disagreed with him he got mad and said I should take it in to get fixed and get the radio installed at Best Buy. That was fine with me....when I called Best Buy and he heard how much it cost I think it freaked him out and he told me he wouldn't have charged me and I reminded him it was supposed to be part of my present. Then he got mad at me for taking a shower without him (sorry if it's TMI but we always shower together) and told me he'd never shower with me again....why would i want to shower with him after all of that? When I started questioning him he told me I shouldn't talk anymore and I was just like my mother (which he knows is not a good thing to say to me).

 

Then he told me that he didn't want me to come out with him that night.

 

Then he told me to cancel my appointment at Best Buy and that he would fix my car.

 

So I leave for a while, and when I come home I find out his parents are coming to dinner. So I have a few drinks because I don't think I'm going anwhere for the night. I didn't hide this - I added vodka to my soda in the open.

 

After dinner he tells me that we're going out. I tell him I can't drive because I've been drinking and he's SHOCKED. He's also been drinking so now we can't go and he says he understands, but now he's going to bed because it's the worst weekend ever.

 

Now, Sunday morning, he is planning to go out with a friend, and when I suggested we do something together he said no, I've ruined the weekend, but he's not mad. He's trying to install the radio, has the old one out but can't put the new one in and says he needs a tool that he doesn't have and although I told him where to get it, he's now sitting next to me on the couch playing a computer game.

 

Right now, I feel so sad...we were both so excited for me to go back to work, and although I didn't expect to be working quite as much as I am, and it's far from home, I'm actually loving the challenge, and after a couple more weeks, it won't be quite as bad. To me he's acting like a big baby, but when I try to talk to him, he pretty much dismisses me. We were both excited for the weekend too - we were going to go for a ride today, the weather is beautiful, and I can't even go out now because my car is in pieces.

 

I don't even know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him just so we don't fight and he doesn't get upset...or keep my mouth shut instead of responding or asking a question.

 

I didn't see it as a boring weekend, but it sure is a shitty one. I don't know how to stop the fighting or even how to get him to listen to me. Sometimes I think that I don't know if I can do this anymore, and that scares me.

 

Thanks for listening.

[shortnsweet7675]

Oh wow, so sorry to hear this... Hopefully things will smooth over soon. Sounds like you are both just really stressed right now and you need some time together to relax.

[damaris]

It sounds to me like he got used to having you around, and although he is excited you are working, he didn't know it was going to be like this. Men are not like us we verbalize are feelings, they act like kids when they don't get what they want lol. Pouting and throwing fits. All I can say is try to make the most of your together time so that he can feel secure. He loves you that's why he misses you and doesn't know how to communicate it.

[FutureMrsLewis]

Sometimes fi gets like this when something is bothering him and he doesn't want to bore me with the details. So instead he bottles it up forever and then explodes at me (when I had absolutely nothing to do with it). Maybe there's something else bothering him? Maybe when he seems relatively calm, just say "Hey, are you alright? Is something wrong?" and have a chat about it. It sounds like you two really love eachother, and you can't throw that away over a little argument

[Melidell]

I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time- starting a new job can be stressful and it's even harder when it effects your home life too.

 

It's hard to weight in on this with only one side of the story, but to be blunt it sounds like FI is being a jerk. Saying that he's not sure about marrying you is either a very cruel way to hurt you, or a big red flag. Blaming you for a crappy weekend (that sounds like it could have happened to anyone) is not fair- you were tired, he was cranky and these things happen. I think writing it off as "he's a man, he can't communicate" is BS- he's a grown-up and needs to learn to communicate with you in a grown-up way instead of bottling things up and then lashing out at you. When things calm down a bit I think you guys need to have a long talk about stress, your new job, and fighting fairly. Sorry if that comes off a bit harsh to your FI- but he's really hurting you with this behaviour and while I'm sure some of it goes both ways I'm a big believer in "you never hurt the one you love."

 

Good luck, feel better and I hope it all works out.

[*HOLLY*]

I have been there also. It sucks that you feel you have to be cautious around your fiance. It took me a bit to find out what was bothering my FI and once that was figured out it has been better. We have our days and if we didnt fight I dont think it would be "healthy". Not every thing is so easy realationships take work. Just hang in there and I would think he would come around. Just keep doing your thing.

[josee]

I totally agree with Melidell...

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Melidell I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time- starting a new job can be stressful and it's even harder when it effects your home life too.   It's hard to weight in on this with only one side of the story, but to be blunt it sounds like FI is being a jerk. Saying that he's not sure about marrying you is either a very cruel way to hurt you, or a big red flag. Blaming you for a crappy weekend (that sounds like it could have happened to anyone) is not fair- you were tired, he was cranky and these things happen. I think writing it off as "he's a man, he can't communicate" is BS- he's a grown-up and needs to learn to communicate with you in a grown-up way instead of bottling things up and then lashing out at you. When things calm down a bit I think you guys need to have a long talk about stress, your new job, and fighting fairly. Sorry if that comes off a bit harsh to your FI- but he's really hurting you with this behaviour and while I'm sure some of it goes both ways I'm a big believer in "you never hurt the one you love."   Good luck, feel better and I hope it all works out.

[~Stephanie~]

I'm so sorry to hear this. My FI and I are fighting a lot lately too. The way you guys are fighting over stupid stuff and the way it acts feels very familiar to me only we fight about kids and money and then it spills over into fighting about the way things are done or him missing the exit on the interstate because we are bitter about other stuff.

 

In the end, I truely think that both of our situations boil down to stress. I think he doesn't know how to handle the new routine and I think he may have some things on his mind that he hasn't shared. I would try to talk to him when things aren't heated and ask him to list all the things that are bothering him and just listen. Then maybe you can get to the bottom of what is behind all the nit-picking. He is finding reasons to fight but not about what is really bothering him. In the end I'm sure you will work everything out.

 

In the meantime, we are here! *big hugs*

[ChristinaP]

I hope you are feeling better. Just know that you are NOT alone... I doubt there is not one couple I know that don't experience "communication issues" at some points. Not knowing you are your situation well, it sounds like like your FI is/was having a hard time with change and some people just don't adjust well. Here you are back to working hard at something you are enjoying and he was used to having you home all the time instead and needing him to support you as you went through a bad time. Maybe he doesn't feel as needed in your life now that you have some of your indepenance back?

[ACDCDCAC]

michele, that just stinks how are things now that the weekend has passed and you are back at work again?

 

hang in there, i agree its DEF stress of wedding planning and all. the dude probably is feeling overwhelmed. listen to his mama, you are right she knows him best! just keep walkin on eggshells until you know he is feeling more secure about your new job and maybe have a convo about it all. but plan out what you will say ahead of time so it isnt putting him in a corner about anything so you can have a good discussion and not another fight.

 

HUGS and good luck!