Who knew something so little could hurt so much?
Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:26 PM
My ex-husband has just remarried a couple weeks ago. I have tried since the beginning to be nice to this woman and keep things friendly because my two children (ages six and eight) would only suffer otherwise. My ex and I had a very civil divorce, we agreed on everything and still tried to spend time together as a family for the kids' sake. But once this woman came into the picture that all changed. Everything is difficult now and now matter how hard I try she continues to be immature and nasty to me. She isn't much better to my children, I have heard from other people who have witnessed her with them when I am not around.
Everything was bearable until last night, my children called her "mom" in front of me. I have never felt so heartbroken. It was like someone stabbed me with a knife.
I come from a family of divorce and I never called my step-parents mom or dad. I know this is a debatable topic and I agree in some circumstances it is acceptable especially when there is an absent parent or something. And I'm not trying to say I'm right, I'm just need to get out how hurt I am. I cried forever last night.
I would never expect them to call my FI "Dad" when we get married, I felt it would be disrespectful to their Dad, my ex, who is a wonderful father to them (just wasn't a very good husband).
Those are my babies and I am the one that carried them for 9 months, I am the one who spend endless sleepless nights pacing the floor with them, I am the one that has sacrificed everything for the last 8 years for them, it is my badge of honor, the one thing that is mine, my gift after a long day of giving to them and never a thank you in return. I am mom.
I am glad they have more people in their lives to care for them and love them but I just was never prepared to have to share my name.
I just can't seem to pull myself together. I just wanted to get this off my chest, for someone to listen. It may seem silly or trivial compared to things that others are dealing with, and I know it is, but it still hurts.
Thank you for reading. Sorry it was so long.
Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:35 PM
I don't want to diminish what happened, but could it have been a mistake? I work with kids and I get called Mom or their teachers names all the time, especially with the younger ones.
I think, if you can do it in a very nice way and if you have that kind of relationship with your ex you might want to have a talk with him about titles for step parents. I know you're getting married too, so maybe you guys can agree about what step parents should be called so everything is consistent. If you feel comfortable, let him know that how you feel about being Mom, maybe tell him that she deserves her own title too? I would try to tackle this issue without discussing some of the other problems you're having with her, those should have their own talk maybe if they don't work themselves out.
Hang in there, and good luck- I think you sound like you're doing a great job so far!
Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:40 PM
Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:41 PM
Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:44 PM
I did speak with my ex this morning about it. He seems to agree with me and said they started it after the wedding and only have done it a few times. I asked him if he would feel comfortable if they call my FI "dad" and that it would have to go both ways if he was going to continue to have them call her mom. I don't think he liked that. He says he is in agreement with me. I guess time will tell.
Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:46 PM
Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:47 PM
As a child of divorce with both of my parents re-married, this is how I was raised and grew up being comfortable with: Mom is always mom, no one can ever replace her and I wouldn't dream of calling anyone else my mom. My sisters and I called our step-mom by her first name, as we also did for our step-father. I love my step-father MORE than I have ever loved my dad (long story, that's for another day) and he is more of a dad to me than my dad ever was or will be...but I never call him "dad". I call him by his first name just as I was raised and though I love him dearly and he means a lot to me, he is not officially dad.
I don't know, I guess to me mom and dad are the people who gave you life. That doesn't mean you have to love them (especially if they're say, abusive or something) but they are your birth parents and are therefore mom and dad. That's just my two cents.
Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:51 PM
I don't have kids, but your story just made my heart break. You are always talking about your kids and you seem like you are an awesome soccer mom I hope your kids calling her mom was just a mistake and agree that talking to your ex about the appropriate titles will really help.
Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:52 PM
Posted 07 October 2009 - 03:01 PM
I hope your ex sorts it all out for you. Perhaps it would be a good idea to find out from you boys why they decided to call her mom. If it was her idea it will be an easy fix. If not perhaps you can explain to them that it hurts your feelings.
Again, I don't have kids so maybe a heart to heart isn't the way to go. Whatever happens I hope it all works out in the end.
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