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Who knew something so little could hurt so much?

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25 replies to this topic

#1 ~Stephanie~

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    Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:26 PM

    So I know the majority of the brides on here are first time brides and/or don't have older children yet but I really need to vent about something. I know what I'm about to say could spark a wide spectrum of opinions but none the less, I am hurting.

    My ex-husband has just remarried a couple weeks ago. I have tried since the beginning to be nice to this woman and keep things friendly because my two children (ages six and eight) would only suffer otherwise. My ex and I had a very civil divorce, we agreed on everything and still tried to spend time together as a family for the kids' sake. But once this woman came into the picture that all changed. Everything is difficult now and now matter how hard I try she continues to be immature and nasty to me. She isn't much better to my children, I have heard from other people who have witnessed her with them when I am not around.

    Everything was bearable until last night, my children called her "mom" in front of me. I have never felt so heartbroken. It was like someone stabbed me with a knife.

    I come from a family of divorce and I never called my step-parents mom or dad. I know this is a debatable topic and I agree in some circumstances it is acceptable especially when there is an absent parent or something. And I'm not trying to say I'm right, I'm just need to get out how hurt I am. I cried forever last night.

    I would never expect them to call my FI "Dad" when we get married, I felt it would be disrespectful to their Dad, my ex, who is a wonderful father to them (just wasn't a very good husband).

    Those are my babies and I am the one that carried them for 9 months, I am the one who spend endless sleepless nights pacing the floor with them, I am the one that has sacrificed everything for the last 8 years for them, it is my badge of honor, the one thing that is mine, my gift after a long day of giving to them and never a thank you in return. I am mom.

    I am glad they have more people in their lives to care for them and love them but I just was never prepared to have to share my name.

    I just can't seem to pull myself together. I just wanted to get this off my chest, for someone to listen. It may seem silly or trivial compared to things that others are dealing with, and I know it is, but it still hurts.

    Thank you for reading. Sorry it was so long.

    Our wedding websitewww.mywedding.com/stephanieandmichaelbailey

    #2 Melidell

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      Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:35 PM

      Oh- wow, I totally understand why you are hurting. You are right- you are Mom and you've earned that title. I think I would feel the same way, and it does sound like you are trying your best to be fair to this other woman. I don't have kids, but I do know that nothing, nothing, nothing can replace your mother. My Mom is and always will be my Mom, and I'm sure that you are just as irreplaceable to your kids. You still have every reason to be sad about this, though.
      I don't want to diminish what happened, but could it have been a mistake? I work with kids and I get called Mom or their teachers names all the time, especially with the younger ones.
      I think, if you can do it in a very nice way and if you have that kind of relationship with your ex you might want to have a talk with him about titles for step parents. I know you're getting married too, so maybe you guys can agree about what step parents should be called so everything is consistent. If you feel comfortable, let him know that how you feel about being Mom, maybe tell him that she deserves her own title too? I would try to tackle this issue without discussing some of the other problems you're having with her, those should have their own talk maybe if they don't work themselves out.
      Hang in there, and good luck- I think you sound like you're doing a great job so far!
      Loving married life!

      #3 JT3

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        Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:40 PM

        Hey I am sorry... I could only imagine how that might feel... I say you speak to your ex husband and make it clear (in a nice way) that you feel very uncomfortable with your children calling his new wife mom.... Also mention to him that your children would not be calling their step father dad... Good luck

        #4 *Heather*


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          Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:41 PM

          Awww Stephanie, I totally understand why you would be hurting, for sure. I agree with Melidell - I think you should talk to your ex about it and try to agree on what everyone can be called. I hope he understands where you're coming from - I'm sure he would hate it if your kids started calling your FI "dad" and he heard it. I don't really have any other advice other than that - I think that should be your first step.


          #5 ~Stephanie~

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            Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:44 PM

            Thanks for the support ladies, I really appreciate it. I should also mention that my FI has a daughter and I would never feel comfortable with her calling me mom, I love her, but she has a mom.

            I did speak with my ex this morning about it. He seems to agree with me and said they started it after the wedding and only have done it a few times. I asked him if he would feel comfortable if they call my FI "dad" and that it would have to go both ways if he was going to continue to have them call her mom. I don't think he liked that. He says he is in agreement with me. I guess time will tell.

            Our wedding websitewww.mywedding.com/stephanieandmichaelbailey

            #6 *Heather*


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              Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:46 PM

              So will he be the one to correct them or have a talk with them? Or will you do it together? I'm glad he at least agrees - that is the first step.

              #7 ~*Kathy*~

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                Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:47 PM

                I'm so sorry Steph, I had no idea you were going through that last night.

                As a child of divorce with both of my parents re-married, this is how I was raised and grew up being comfortable with: Mom is always mom, no one can ever replace her and I wouldn't dream of calling anyone else my mom. My sisters and I called our step-mom by her first name, as we also did for our step-father. I love my step-father MORE than I have ever loved my dad (long story, that's for another day) and he is more of a dad to me than my dad ever was or will be...but I never call him "dad". I call him by his first name just as I was raised and though I love him dearly and he means a lot to me, he is not officially dad.

                I don't know, I guess to me mom and dad are the people who gave you life. That doesn't mean you have to love them (especially if they're say, abusive or something) but they are your birth parents and are therefore mom and dad. That's just my two cents.

                #8 autjo

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                  Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:51 PM

                  Aww Steph

                  I don't have kids, but your story just made my heart break. You are always talking about your kids and you seem like you are an awesome soccer mom I hope your kids calling her mom was just a mistake and agree that talking to your ex about the appropriate titles will really help.

                  #9 DanielleNDerek

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                    Posted 07 October 2009 - 02:52 PM

                    Awww Sorry Steph. I can understand why you would be so upset. I'm glad your ex agrees with you. I hope he talks to them or you both can talk to them.
                    ***Married November 6, 2008***Gavin Born February 28th, 2010***
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                    #10 ~Keira~

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                      Posted 07 October 2009 - 03:01 PM

                      Aww Steph, I don't have any children myself but I just know my heart would be broken just the same. Heck I was feeling sad reading your story and it didn't even happen to me.

                      I hope your ex sorts it all out for you. Perhaps it would be a good idea to find out from you boys why they decided to call her mom. If it was her idea it will be an easy fix. If not perhaps you can explain to them that it hurts your feelings.

                      Again, I don't have kids so maybe a heart to heart isn't the way to go. Whatever happens I hope it all works out in the end.
                      ~Keira~**formerly KLee147**


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