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how do I get over his ex?


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#1 JOSIE

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    Posted 12 May 2009 - 02:12 PM

    So, My fianc© was married right out of college to his college sweetheart. They were divorced a year later and she'd cheated and left with him with some hefty amounts of debt. During the time they were engaged/married she quit or was fired from over 6 jobs. She left him in a really tough situation because he'd moved for her and didnt know anyone. She even served him with divorce papers at work when she promised she wouldnt.

    My point is that the experience was horrible for him, and I know he does not have "positive memories" when he thinks about her.....but for some reason I'm still having trouble getting over "her". I used to tell myself it was because she was actually "married" to him and I wasnt at that point yet, but now I am and I'm still struggling with it.

    I'm big into self-analyzation and I know that my insecurity factors into it. She was just SO different than me, in every way. She was this tiny blonde who had awesome fashion sense and only wore designer clothes. My body is average at best, and I suck at shopping! Most of the time I wear t-shirts and jeans or sweats and I think my most expensive purse is from target. I know that doesnt make me better or worse than her, it just makes me self conscious because I assume that he had to see "something" in her, and based on everything else I know (and some talks with his mom) I've concluded that I think she was somewhat of a "status symbol" for him, meaning that she was that trophy kind of girl.

    I tell myself all the time that IT DOES NOT MATTER. Why should it? My FI is the first to say that he was immature in that relationship and I have changed his life. He tells me all the time that he never thought a relationship like ours existed and it was the best thing that ever happened to him. I've seen such big changes in him since when we first started dating and he does so much for me. For those who read my proposal story - - you understand what extent he went (and goes to still) for me!!

    I'm feeling totally guilty that I'm still insecure about this girl who does not matter to him. I don't like to talk to him about it (or admit it!) because he feels like he just wants to move past those horrible memories and when I bring them up or am insecure he feels like he's not doing his job of reassuring me that we are different and better. Then I feel awful because he does more than enough and i know its part of his past and I truly do accept it and KNOW he's better for it.

    I know it's my issue - I've known for a long time, and even though all of his friends, all of his family, and he himself have repeatedly told me they love me and are so happy he settled down with "a person like me"....i still have nightmares that she probably looked so amazing in her wedding dress and i cannot compare.

    part of me feels like a pyscho for writing this! but the other part wants to know if anyone has ever struggled with something like this - and how did you get over it? Thanks for listening girls - I needed to write it out.
    11.28.2009

    #2 ebredhawk

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      Posted 12 May 2009 - 02:31 PM

      josie, i totally feel your pain and know what a horrible situation this can be! my story isn't exactly similar, but the feelings are all the same.

      my FI has a daughter with a girl he dated in hs and who he basically was dating out of apathy. well, she ended up getting pregnant, she cheated on him constantly and screwed him out of a lot of money as well. she also happens to be tall and modelesque... my complete opposite!

      for a really long time i was VERY insecure about how pretty she was and the fact that she had given the love of my life his first child, kind of like how you feeling about her being married to your FI before. those feelings have never gone away completely, but little things have happened along the way to help me deal with it.

      FI always tells me that when we have kids it will be on our own terms and it will be a child brought into the world through love. when you and FI get married you can rest assured that this will be a completely different situation for him because YOU are completely different from his ex. he has known the bad stuff, so when everything is good with you i'm sure he can appreciate it a lot more.

      being a girl and dealing with insecurity definitely sucks!! it is such a mental game, but keep telling yourself that you are a better person than she is and you make FI happier than she ever did. it's all about finding ways to cope and going back to them whenever you feel yourself slip!

      and when in doubt, you have the fabulous BDW girls to remind you of your amazingness!

      #3 jajajaja

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        Posted 12 May 2009 - 02:34 PM

        Hi Josie- I somewhat know what you are going through. My hubby was married before me as well (his ex cheated on him too!) and for the first six months or so of our relationship I couldn't help compare myself as well. But at some point you HAVE to stop doing that. He's not doing it- which I think might be the biggest concern you have. You say your having nightmares comparing yourself to what she looked like on her wedding day, but I'm thinking you really are concerned that your FI will do that comparison and you won't "match up." If you are having those worries, you need to completely throw it out.

        Think of it this way- look at what you bring to the table: you won't cheat (which she did). You treat him with more respect and show more love than she did (obviously because she was a cheater!!)

        BTW- I think girls do that comparison thing and guys don't even have that thought. It's not part of their make up. There is NO way in hell your FI is even thinking about her. She made his life hell- why would you think you even deserve to be compared?
        Happily married since 2008

        #4 Vikki

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          Posted 12 May 2009 - 02:40 PM

          Well, my two pennies:

          I think what you're going through is pretty normal. Maybe a little bit to the neruotic side....

          I understand what it's like to feel like you have to "compete" in some way. For some it's appearance, for some it's clothing or posessions, for some it's financial status, ect. But remember:
          1). He chose you.
          2). For all her physical perfection (or at least what you percieve in her) she was ugly on the inside. And that beautiful mask you see is just that, a mask. While it's nice to have a pretty girl (or guy) on your arm eventually you will see that person for who they are and there's no amount of physical beauty or designer clothing that can cover up the kind of person they are inside.
          3). What she did to him can never be undone, he will always carry those scars with him and from what it sounds like he probably left that relationship saying "never again". He found you and you are teaching him what it's supposed to be like-I guarantee he see's you as the most beautiful woman in the world and when you come walking down the aisle to him the last thing he will be thinking about is her or how she looked on their wedding day.


          I know it would be a strange conversation to have but have you thought about just sharing with him what you're feeling? Not so that he can reassure you but so that you are exposing to him the kind of honesty and communication you will want in your relationship. It may or may not be something that's right for you to do. I remember looking at something on Brandon's website and finding an old link to his ex-wife's wedding site. She had posted all the pictures of the wedding. I couldn't help myself-I had to go through them. And I'm not sure why it helped but it did...of course he knew I was looking at them and strangely enough he understood. While I will probably always struggle with comparing myself against her there is never a doubt in my mind that if faced with both options and able to make choices all over again he would pick me without any hesitation.

          I hope that helps. Just remember, after getting burned like that he probably doesn't want to do it again and unless he met the perfect woman (you) would never have taken that step. Good luck and try to focus on the future you have with him rather than the past he had with her!

          #5 shellk

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            Posted 12 May 2009 - 03:15 PM

            josie,
            firstly i think all of us ladies are a little crazy.even tho like you say you know whats real and you know you being silly it don,t help.however i think the more you try and be positive and convince yourself things will get easier.

            you need to remember that he was young and she was his first serious relationship.i dont think it is until you get older and wiser that you realise what you really want and realise the faults in other people.also men are quite wimpy they just tend to go with the flow,what i,m trying to say is i bet he just went along with everything instead of sorting himself out.

            this time its for real,hes older and he knows its you that he wants.surely he would,nt do it for a second time unless he was completly sure of what he was doing.

            i went through a similar thing with my best friend.they are stronger than ever and are celebrating their 2nd wedding anv in june.

            im pretty sure even though it is mental torture tas time passes by it will get easier.and once your married he will be YOURS.

            #6 DanielleNDerek

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              Posted 12 May 2009 - 03:23 PM

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by JPJCWedding
              My FI is the first to say that he was immature in that relationship and I have changed his life. He tells me all the time that he never thought a relationship like ours existed and it was the best thing that ever happened to him. I've seen such big changes in him since when we first started dating and he does so much for me. For those who read my proposal story - - you understand what extent he went (and goes to still) for me!!
              It sounds like your judging her by her looks and not her all around person. She may be pretty on the outside but she sounds like a completely awful person inside. And from your siggy pic you are beautiful on the outside (no matter what you think) and you seem to be beautiful in the inside too. You are your fi's total package, she wasnt.
              ***Married November 6, 2008***Gavin Born February 28th, 2010***
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              #7 JOSIE

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                Posted 12 May 2009 - 03:40 PM

                Girls- I truly appreciate ALL of your kind words and advice. Believe me, it is REALLY helping me! I have so much to say to all of you!! Thank you all for your reassurance and helping me look at the situation from your outside perspectives. Now I know I'm not too crazy, and that my feelings are somewhat normal and I can conquer them. I know I just have to keep telling myself over and over that the past is the past.

                It's so nice to have people that can relate and share similar experiences. Everyone in my life that I talk to is like "you're amazing, you're crazy!". haha

                Rachel- To answer your question I have talked to him about it several times. He is very patient and loving but he always just says he doesn't understand why I'd ever compare myself to her, and that he cannot even do it, because it's like comparing apples to oranges. I feel guilty talking to him because I totally see and understand his point of view. I don't want him to think I don't accept him for who he is, and I don't want him to think I can't get over his divorce. I love him so much and can't stand that I'm focused on this minor portion of his life that happened 5 years ago.


                I did find an old wedding website of theirs and he was like "why do you torture yourself!?" I guess part of me just had to "know". Ah!! I'm trying to get over it and you girls are really helping me!

                THANK YOU SO MUCH GIRLS!!!!!!!!!
                11.28.2009

                #8 chloe55

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                  Posted 12 May 2009 - 03:49 PM

                  Hi Josie -

                  I don't think there's anything I can add that these ladies haven't already said, but I can give you a little insight into the ex. I never cheated, but I did have an obsession with designer clothes, and I can tell you exactly where that comes from... insecurity. That's probably why she cheated as well. It's this constant need for approval by others. I'm willing to bet that he saw through that, and no matter what she looked like on the outside, she looked ugly to him. His friends saw that too.

                  No man (imho) is attracted to designer clothes. They like you to look good, which you do with your target handbag. Women dress that way (the designer stuff) to feel superior to other women, and what man wants to take on that mess? I don't want to offend anyone here, but you can get high quality without a label. People in my life who go into debt to wear Marc Jacobs, in my opinion, do it for that reason.

                  I've done a lot of self analyzing as well over the last couple of years, and my priorities have changed. Since then, I've never been happier. I found a wonderful man that I'm marrying and we have something "real". I think that your FI has done the same thing. He stopped being interested in having a "trophy", and realized the value of something real. She's got nothing on you girl, trust me.

                  #9 tylersgirl

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                    Posted 12 May 2009 - 03:54 PM

                    Josie-I totally agree with what all the other girls said. Danielle said it right, you are the total package and he wanted YOU! You are an amazing person, so don't even worry about the ex!

                    #10 ebredhawk

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                      Posted 12 May 2009 - 04:17 PM

                      Quote:
                      Originally Posted by JPJCWedding
                      I did find an old wedding website of theirs and he was like "why do you torture yourself!?" I guess part of me just had to "know". Ah!! I'm trying to get over it and you girls are really helping me!
                      been there... done that! us crazy ladies can be such masochists! these are the times when the internet (facebook, myspace, google, etc.) can be an awful, awful thing!! just know that behind that website was a bunch of yuckiness!




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