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Venting - Sister not interested!


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#1 BC Bride2be

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    Posted 29 December 2008 - 04:43 PM

    My sister is one of my witnesses (we’re not having a wedding party) but has shown absolutely no interest in the wedding. In the 8 months that I have been planning she has not asked me once how things are going, if I needed any help – nothing!!
    And the few times I have started talking about what I am doing she immediately changes the subject. I have been so upset about this [and at times angry] that I now don’t want her to be a witness and would rather instead have my mother.
    So I am thinking that once we get down there at the welcome dinner, when we introduce the guests and witnesses… I will just say my mother and girlfriend. I know this is extremely bitchy but I can’t help it…she probably won’t care anyway. oh and one other thing that is irritating the crap out of me is that my FI and I are paying for her to come grrrrrrrrrr…what a waste of $1800.

    Wow that felt good to get it out. Thanks for listening to me rant.

    #2 BachataBride

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      Posted 29 December 2008 - 04:55 PM

      That's awful!!! And the fact that you are paying for her to come is even worse!! It's an awful feeling when you are so happy about what's going on in your life and the people closest to you act like they could care less. I don't think that you should announce your mother at your welcome dinner - this could cause your sis to act out and ruin the rest of your day...or even week. I would do it prior to leaving - & explain to her why you are doing that. She might not even realize what she's doing, or how it's making you feel. Just my opinion.

      #3 tylersgirl

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        Posted 29 December 2008 - 05:03 PM

        Awww....I'm so sorry! I can see how that would make you mad/sad. Just let her know things have changed and she no longer has to be a witness.

        #4 BC Bride2be

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          Posted 29 December 2008 - 05:09 PM

          Quote:
          Originally Posted by BachataBride
          That's awful!!! And the fact that you are paying for her to come is even worse!! It's an awful feeling when you are so happy about what's going on in your life and the people closest to you act like they could care less. I don't think that you should announce your mother at your welcome dinner - this could cause your sis to act out and ruin the rest of your day...or even week. I would do it prior to leaving - & explain to her why you are doing that. She might not even realize what she's doing, or how it's making you feel. Just my opinion.
          Thanks Amanda, I know you are right and I should say something before but I don’t even know where to start with her. She will deny it and try and turn it around on me, I think what I have to do is write it down and maybe email it to her.
          It’s like you said, it’s so sad when friends & family show no joy in what is to be your happiest moment in life - it is most overwhelmingly heartbreaking.

          #5 BachataBride

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            Posted 29 December 2008 - 05:18 PM

            Just know that all of us girls here at BDW are thrilled for you!! You can always count on us!! :) We are like our own little bridal support group! lol
            The email sounds like a good idea - but I would follow up with a phone call shortly after you send it - it's so easy to be rash and not think when you receive an email like that. She could just blurb something & send it without really thinking. Maybe follow up right away with an call and ask her if she's checked her email yet - if not, ask her to call you back when she has. Or something like that...

            #6 Sapphire723

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              Posted 29 December 2008 - 07:49 PM

              I would consider why your sister might not be super thrilled. Is it that she's not a wedding person? Do you think she may be jealous? Is she married but having a rough time with her relationship?

              She may have a personal problem that has nothing to do with you, but it's making her act out or try to avoid talking about your wedding. I would try talking to her, asking her if she's ok, and then let her know that you had hoped she would be able to share your excitement for your super awesome wedding.

              Just be careful how you word anything in an e-mail, letter, or voice mail. Think about how your sister might interpret what you're saying and try to avoid language that might give her the wrong impression or make her defensive.

              Overall, it's your wedding, and you should have people come that are excited for you, especially those for whom you are paying. You don't have to make her a witness, but you might not want to publicly announce that she isn't your witness because that might breed bad blood.

              #7 Chiquita

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                Posted 29 December 2008 - 07:58 PM

                I was thinking the same as Sapphire723.. that she is jealous. There is nothing like a wedding to bring out the worst (and best) of people. I would try talking to her and mention that you don't need her as a witness anymore but are wondering what's up with her?

                #8 BC Bride2be

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                  Posted 29 December 2008 - 08:29 PM

                  She’s definitely not jealous. As for why she isn’t thrilled - I’m really not sure, our whole life she’s been a naysayer. She went thru a divorce two years ago (her decision to end the marriage) and is extremely unhappy. I spent months coaching her through the transition to single hood, supporting her emotionally/financially.. I am at a lost. But you’re right, it would be wrong for me to tell her down there in front of our friends & family that she isn’t a witness; that would make me just as selfish/rude as she has been and I don’t want that. Thanks ladies for helping me see beyond the anger/hurt..

                  #9 Jennifer Davis

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                    Posted 29 December 2008 - 09:55 PM

                    Quote:
                    Originally Posted by BC Bride2be
                    She’s definitely not jealous. As for why she isn’t thrilled - I’m really not sure, our whole life she’s been a naysayer. She went thru a divorce two years ago (her decision to end the marriage) and is extremely unhappy. I spent months coaching her through the transition to single hood, supporting her emotionally/financially.. I am at a lost. But you’re right, it would be wrong for me to tell her down there in front of our friends & family that she isn’t a witness; that would make me just as selfish/rude as she has been and I don’t want that. Thanks ladies for helping me see beyond the anger/hurt..
                    You should try and talk to her and give her some sisterly support. I know it is supposed to be about you right now, but unfortuately, it sounds like she may not be fully healed from her divorce. You said it - she's unhappy. She's sad. Even if it was her idea to end the marriage she still may feel some sense of failure that it didn't work out. I'm sure you did a great job trying to help and support her but two years is not a long time to get over something like a divorce. I think shutting her out if the worst thing you can do for her right now.

                    Maybe you can speak to your Mom and ask her to help out with your sister?

                    I'm sure she is very happy for you on the inside but is having trouble coming to grips with alll her emotions - the happy ones for you and the sad ones about her marriage. It's probably easier for her to step back rather than step up knowing it may remind her of her own situation right now.

                    It sounds like she really needs you right now. If you guys are close like I interpret from your post, maybe you can help her come to grips with what she is feeling and why she is being so distant. I think you'll be sad if you shut your sister out of your wedding even if you guys are going through a rough patch right now.

                    #10 BC Bride2be

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                      Posted 29 December 2008 - 10:40 PM

                      Thanks Jen! I get what you are saying, but I have been there for her - for the past two years. I have had long conversations (many) about her life and where it is going, I have supported her 100+% and only hope for the same.. this time for once, its not about her and I wish she would see that, that’s all. Thanks again


                      Quote:
                      Originally Posted by Jennifer Davis
                      You should try and talk to her and give her some sisterly support. I know it is supposed to be about you right now, but unfortuately, it sounds like she may not be fully healed from her divorce. You said it - she's unhappy. She's sad. Even if it was her idea to end the marriage she still may feel some sense of failure that it didn't work out. I'm sure you did a great job trying to help and support her but two years is not a long time to get over something like a divorce. I think shutting her out if the worst thing you can do for her right now.
                      Maybe you can speak to your Mom and ask her to help out with your sister?
                      I'm sure she is very happy for you on the inside but is having trouble coming to grips with alll her emotions - the happy ones for you and the sad ones about her marriage. It's probably easier for her to step back rather than step up knowing it may remind her of her own situation right now.





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