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Holidays with the In-Laws


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#31 BajaBride2010

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    Posted 31 December 2008 - 06:01 PM

    I feel so conflicted and confused...I am ok until the holidays roll around. He ia not understanding when it comes to where I spend my holidays. He feels like it is a slap in the face, especially when he spent time with my mom and I at Thanksgiving. He questions how can we have a marriage when I choose my mom every time and she has such an impact on our relationship. I hate being in this situation and don't want to have to make the decision. Should a man feel that threatened? As a wife what is within reason to have to give up? I honestly feel that me not having kids and him having 2 that I am already accepting a huge responsibility that is worthy of some lead-way. He has to be close to them so where we live is based on that, which means I have to relocate and find another job in this economy (hopefully it will be better by then)...This is also an area where all his family resides putting me further from my mom (the only family I have). Although she is moving out of state next year, which is going to kill me, lol. Anyway I'm not trying to tout my own horn but I would expect some slack. But in his defense I know he wants me there to support him for his family functions. I got a 2nd e-ring on Christmas so it was the topic of conversation once I arrived. Let me also add that he was married before and she went along with him to all the holiday events and family gatherings...to the extent she still showed up after we started dating supposedly for the kids..yeah right. I guess his expectations have doubled since we got engaged. When I remind him of some of his wrong doing, he replies things are different now. I must admit since the proposal, he has been superman when it comes to me needs and wants, we just can't get the holiday thing right.

    #32 BachataBride

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      Posted 31 December 2008 - 06:18 PM

      Wow...it just gets more & more complicated doesn't it??
      I agree though...there has to be some compromise on your part. Have you explained all this to your mom?? Maybe ask her to sacrifice some of her holidays for you & your FI - go with you to the in-laws. She may be willing to do this for you. My mom is not FI's biggest fan (long story there!), but she does what I ask her to so that I can accomodate both of them! She does it for me and to spend time with me. I also think it is a bit selfish of your mom to expect you to spend all of your holidays with her - I'm sure she knows what it was like to have to split her time.
      I can understand him being threatened by your closeness with your mom. He feels that he should be your number one - you are supposed to give yourself to him completely when you get married - and that will not be the case when you have that strong relationship with your mom.
      As far as the ex goes, you will have to remind him that you are not her...and you have to start your new lives together with different traditions. Just as he has to share the kids with his ex, he has to share you with your mom too. But hun you have to compromise - you can't expect a man to go from spending every holiday with his family to every one with yours. That's not fair.

      #33 *Casey*

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        Posted 31 December 2008 - 06:32 PM

        I agree... Your mom might be willing to give up a holiday or two for the sake of your marriage. I can't imagine her knowing the facts and not willing to budge a little. Does she know about everything that's going on?

        #34 Alyssa

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          Posted 31 December 2008 - 06:54 PM

          Quote:
          Originally Posted by BajaBride2010
          I feel so conflicted and confused...I am ok until the holidays roll around. He ia not understanding when it comes to where I spend my holidays. He feels like it is a slap in the face, especially when he spent time with my mom and I at Thanksgiving. He questions how can we have a marriage when I choose my mom every time and she has such an impact on our relationship. I hate being in this situation and don't want to have to make the decision. Should a man feel that threatened? As a wife what is within reason to have to give up? I honestly feel that me not having kids and him having 2 that I am already accepting a huge responsibility that is worthy of some lead-way. He has to be close to them so where we live is based on that, which means I have to relocate and find another job in this economy (hopefully it will be better by then)...This is also an area where all his family resides putting me further from my mom (the only family I have). Although she is moving out of state next year, which is going to kill me, lol. Anyway I'm not trying to tout my own horn but I would expect some slack. But in his defense I know he wants me there to support him for his family functions. I got a 2nd e-ring on Christmas so it was the topic of conversation once I arrived. Let me also add that he was married before and she went along with him to all the holiday events and family gatherings...to the extent she still showed up after we started dating supposedly for the kids..yeah right. I guess his expectations have doubled since we got engaged. When I remind him of some of his wrong doing, he replies things are different now. I must admit since the proposal, he has been superman when it comes to me needs and wants, we just can't get the holiday thing right.
          Well i am probably in the minority here but i tend to agree with your FI. Part of being married and in a partnership is making decisions together NOT choosing one over the other, etc. he bended by spending thanksgiving you should have given in.

          frankly, i think your mom should join you at his family. you said she is otherwise alone and 'doesn't want to sit with a bunch of people she doesn't know' - that is part of the problem IMHO - how else is she going to get to know them unless she GETS TO KNOW THEM - also they are going to be YOUR family now so why should it be a negative thing?

          #35 Hartyt509

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            Posted 01 January 2009 - 11:02 AM

            It's hard but I suppose the main question is do you want to be dictated to about where you can spend the holidays for the rest of your life? You did go there at 7 so its not as if you didn't go at all.

            I have to admit I would put my dad over anyone and I mean anyone but that is because he always been there for me even if i was wrong. Same cannot be said for FI's family.

            It is give and take and you did go to his parents just later. You aren't his ex wife and he needs to accept you are your own person.

            I suppose its easier for me as FI is in the forces so he isn't here all the time so I have my own life its harder when you are together 24/7.

            Sit him down and say right what is it you want from me? This is what I want from you? and this is what i'm not prepared to give and thrash out something. But please don't just give in unless its what you want or you will regret it chick.

            #36 petunia

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              Posted 01 January 2009 - 03:05 PM

              I'm responding here, again, as a mother. I'll be a 60 year old destination wedding bride in 2010, so I think I have some credentials.

              Please don't look to end your relationship over this before analyzing what was done and what can be done in the future to avoid this from happening again. All of the parties involved, you, your fiance and your mother, had a bit to play in the scenario. You don't say how his family reacted to your spending the day with your mother, so I can't comment on that.

              Your decision to see your mother on Christmas day was a good one. I'm sure it was as important to you as it was to her to be with family. However, was it as important to spend so much of the day with her, leaving you to get to your fiance's family at such a late hour? What did you and your mother do all day? You said she likes to entertain, so were there other guests? Did you and she spend the day alone? If so, how did you spend that time? Was it something special? Was it necessary to spend the entire day with her? In your original post you said the half day with each wouldn't work. Seventy five miles is not that far, and you were in fact able to get to his family after all.

              Did your mother insist that you spend the day with her? Drop hints? Make little grumbles? If so, she was being selfish. However, I somehow think that it was more about your needs than hers. As a mom, once our children are grown we know that things will change. Trust me, you train us well when your are teens, finding everything in the world more important than family. Since your mom is moving out of state I'm sure she's planning to adjust to being distanced from you. We old folks are not as sensitive as you think.

              Your fiance is overreacting in my opinion, but men can be total jerks a lot of the time (if not most of the time...LOL). He needs to calmly express himself. His concerns are genuine. Marriage is about a couple being a new "one," a new family. There has to be some distancing from the "growing up" family. He is concerned that you won't allow that to happen. It is a very real fear, but not one that can't be dealt with. He needs time to cool his heels and then approach you in a reasonable manner.

              Think of all the adult couples you know, those who've been married for a long time. Your aunts and uncles, coworkers, any others in your world. They've all gone through this and worked it out somehow. The two of you need to sit down and perhaps make a holiday plan, understanding that it will be a compromise that meets the needs of each of you. Again, the old folks will get it and be happy for whatever of your time they have. Oh, and by the way....all this changes when the babies come along.

              I am speaking in generalities, not knowing all the people, but my experience tells me that this is not something you cannot overcome, if reason, love and civility rule the communication you both desperately need. Apologies are needed on both sides, but I think yours will have to be first.

              Good luck to you.

              BajaBride, I just read your thread about a blended family. Your fiance has kids. I think that's one reason why it was so important for him to be with his family and have you by his side. That said, I can also see why maybe you just wanted to be with your mom, to touch base with your own family roots, since your life is probably consumed with his family right now. It'll be tough, but you can do it.

              #37 Sapphire723

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                Posted 01 January 2009 - 03:49 PM

                I think your fiance might be on to something. If you're going to choose to spend Christmas with your mom rather than with him, where does that end? Which things does she go first in and which things does he go first in?

                At the same time, though, if you cut your mom completely out, you'll regret it. Talk to him about it. Tell him that including your mom is important to you, but you want to be able to spend the holidays with him too. I think your mom should be able to compromise too by considering joining his family for the holidays some times. Also tell him that the distance that you have from your mom is affecting you. If he understands more where you're coming from, and you understand more where he is coming from, I'm sure that you can come up with a plan that is good for both of you.

                #38 BajaBride2010

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                  Posted 02 January 2009 - 01:55 PM

                  Thank you all for your responses and taking the time to help shed light on this situation. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. It gets hard at times, especially when your are very limited to people and can talk to. So again, thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

                  As far as NYE, we did spend it together but it was very casual and almost cold. The kids help to make the situation a little lighter just becauase we were able to play games and laugh a little. On New Year's day, we went our seperate ways (he with his family and I had friends over at my house). Not sure how this story will end, but I am preparing myself for the worst.

                  I am sitting here at work now...I just really contemplating calling the whole thing off. This is a new year and I just don't like starting off like this. This is such a miserable feeling. Things have changed and he is different towards me...I don't know how to get things back on track.

                  #39 lil_miss_frogg

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                    Posted 02 January 2009 - 02:18 PM

                    This is for future Christmas'.

                    First off, my FI dad and step-mom live in Colorado and my dad and step-mom live in Missouri. So this kinda helps our situation. But because we have an 8 year old and a 14 month old....we did a webcast for our families that are far from us, but wanted to see the kids open their presents. Then for the family we have here in Georgia, we do my family in the morning...from 9-3 and then his family from 4-9. This way everybody is happy. This was the first year we did the webcast...and it worked out well....his poor family in Colorado had to wake up at 5 in the morning...but they did what had to be done. Hope this helps with any future Christmas'!

                    Happy New Year Ya'll!

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                    #40 BajaBride2010

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                      Posted 02 January 2009 - 09:43 PM

                      I will keep all these tips in mind for my next relationship. The plot continues to thicken. We half way made but I as I proceeded to ask question about New Year's Day and if I had my ring on. I started to tell him how people were asking about him and how I told the story of our engagement (which is so beautiful). He was like 'so everyone was invited and knew about this except for me'. I have a tendency to get absent minded with stuff most of the time and some things I wait until the last minute to tell him because his reaction can be unpredictable and at times explosive. Although I had the best intentions on telling him, I never had the opportunity and as you know that last week I spent crying my eyes out and begging him to understand. I treied to explain that to him...I have not been able to sleep or eat properly since Chrsitmas. Now I feel like I keep digging myself further in a ditch. He has not asked for the ring back, but I'm ready to say to He$$ with it because all I am doing now is living in agony prayer that he forgives me and gives his heart to me again. But then I'm like, who in the He&& does he think he is. Ok I made a mistake, I messed up but is the punishment fitting the crime. I tried to remind him of the things he has done (that in my opinion are pretty bad), but I never treated him the way he is treating me. He feels his incidents were in the past and we are at a different place since he put a ring on my finger. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Earlier today he suggests we go out of town then he takes it back becasue he is now pi$$ed about New Year's Day. Now, I am not trying to say everything I do is right but I never have malice. I truly love him and want to make it work but I am having doubts. His reactions almost make me wonder if there is someone else or at least an interest of some sorts. My body can't take another week like that.




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