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FILs not contributing


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#1 BandB

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    Posted 27 March 2007 - 02:11 PM

    Sorry I don't know all the abbreviations yet.
    Both of our parents are divorced and remarried. My fiance's father and stepmother who are very much loaded are not contributing financially at all to the wedding. We have been keeping them in the loop about all of our plans and they're totally fine with everything, but they have made no offer to help financially. While we were all in Cabo last month, we invited them to go with us to reserve our chapel and rooms for the wedding, and they didn't want to go.

    My question is, then do I still need to ask them their opinion on the invite list? Obviously immediate family is invited so his family will be there, but as far as more distant family and family friends, we are not inviting.

    We are not certain if we will be having a rehearsal dinner, that decision will be made down the road. But regardless, they have made no offer or hint at paying and have told my fiance that it's the bride's families responsibility.

    Maybe I'm venting and maybe I'm a bit bitter, but it's not the 19th century, they can help as well, especially when they are quite capable of paying for the wedding 10 times over.

    Thoughts on the invite list?

    #2 Jessalyn

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      Posted 27 March 2007 - 02:26 PM

      I'm pretty much in the same boat with you.

      Regarding the guest list, I asked my FI mother who she (and her husband) wanted to invite. She gave me a huge list of distant relatives. I sent invites to everyone, but luckily no distant relatives are coming....but, FFILs good friends are coming.
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      #3 Rachelle E.

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        Posted 27 March 2007 - 02:28 PM

        Quote:
        My question is, then do I still need to ask them their opinion on the invite list? Obviously immediate family is invited so his family will be there, but as far as more distant family and family friends, we are not inviting.
        Personally, I think whoever is footing the bill get's more pull on the invite list. Obviously you don't want to be really unfair or anything (ie: if you invite your grandma, aunt, cousin and so on, invite his too etc.) But I don't think you should have to pay for FI's parents next door neighbor if you don't know/want them there. Does that make sense?

        Quote:
        We are not certain if we will be having a rehearsal dinner, that decision will be made down the road. But regardless, they have made no offer or hint at paying and have told my fiance that it's the bride's families responsibility
        They're acutally 100% wrong about that one. I'm sure you already know that...but here's a handy little article that might help to divide things up.

        Who Pays for What - Wedding Etiquette

        Not that you need to do things exactly like that, in fact most people probably don't. But that may help if you are trying to divide up the cost with your families? :-) Good luck!

        #4 LCBride2007

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          Posted 27 March 2007 - 02:39 PM

          have you tried asking them to help? maybe they don't know you'd like the help!

          #5 BandB

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            Posted 27 March 2007 - 02:54 PM

            Yes, When we first got engaged and told them of our plans to marry in Cabo, they were really excited. We go every year. And the place we are getting married at actually owe's fiance's dad about $2,000 and he originally mentioned that we could use that for chapel/room reservation, but his wife right in front of us said, "but, that is our money" and we just kind of knew then that they pry weren't going to help. And after that is when they refused to come with us to the place. And since then has made the comments about bride's family paying for everything.

            Gotta love family!

            #6 SPRINGBRIDE

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              Posted 27 March 2007 - 03:03 PM

              What kind of wedding are you going for? We are having a small wedding (25 - 30 guests). When we asked my mother and MIL for their guest lists we explained that we wanted a smaller, more personal wedding. They understood and gave a list of family and very close friends. So that helped big time with the lists.

              It is your wedding and if they are not contributing, just remember it's your day!!! When you mention list maybe you can set your expectations on numbers and people so they know up front.

              #7 TammyB

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                Posted 27 March 2007 - 03:04 PM

                Well if the brides family had to pay for the wedding then I would be screwed because my parents are dirt poor. Have you thought about asking them if they plan on paying for your HM? I mean if they think the bride's family pays for the wedding then isn't it the same tradition for the grooms family to pay for the HM? If you plan on staying in Cabo for your HM, then maybe have your FI sit down with them and talk to them about "their part" and that since you guys are going to stay there then they should help in that regard. Maybe this will open their eyes a little.

                #8 TATrisha

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                Posted 27 March 2007 - 03:16 PM

                I personally don't find it necessary for families to contribute if they don't want to. HOWEVER, to me, that means that, number one, they don't end up on the invitation, they get a very limited amount of seats for their invitees, and they really have to keep their mouths shut about decisions. But, that's just my opinion!

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                #9 MikkiStreak

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                  Posted 27 March 2007 - 03:33 PM

                  In recent years, the trend has been for the couple to pay for their own weddings. Parents just aren't shelling out the money like they used to even just 10-15 years ago.

                  My peronsal opinion is that if they don't want to contribute, then they don't get a say in the invite list. I would establish your guest list according to your budget, and if, at the end, you have room for them to add some people- I would just tell them how many people you're allowing them to add to the list. That would be pretty gracious about the whole thing...

                  #10 LCBride2007

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                    Posted 27 March 2007 - 03:44 PM

                    i tend to agree - but then again, I am older (in my 30s) and have been married once. i think the traditions of families paying for the wedding was more when the kids were moving right out of the house and getting married. i don't know if that happens as much anymore!

                    but like the girls have said - if they want to go w/tradition, then yes, the brides familiy usually pays for the wedding, then i think the grooms pays for the rehearsal dinner (and honeymoon?). but since that doesn't seem to be the case - plan it your way, with YOUR list of people, and just let them do their own thing! i don't think they're obligated to pay, but then they don't get to say "Joe and Sally MUST be invited"




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