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My FI says "he is feeling trapped"...


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#131 Chiquita

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    Posted 05 July 2008 - 02:14 PM

    I have to agree with everything Maura said. The relationship I was in with my ex-bf was very emotionally abusive and I didn't even realize it until we broke up and I was able to think more clearly. I think going to therapy is an excellent idea for you.. just so you can get your thoughts and feelings out there. I think your FI is trying to turn things and make them your fault so he doesn't have to deal with his problems.. and you do deserve better than that! Be strong and know we are all here to support you!

    #132 kevsgirl

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      Posted 05 July 2008 - 09:38 PM

      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Just Martha
      IMO, he is acting like a kid.

      I am so sorry, but if I left Jay last night and came home this morning, if he really missed me, his ass would have been off that couch and hugging me, no matter how tired he was!

      Dez, I am so sorry, and I have no words of wisdom, and I can't say it was a bad thing to go home, because I don't know what I would do if I where in your situation...no one does. It's really easy for us to give you advice, but until we are in your shoes, we really just don't know.

      I hope things get better for you and if not, please think of yourself first.

      I completely agree. Your FI is acting as though he doesn't give a good s*it about you or your feelings.
      It doesn't matter why he's acting this way (life trauma whatever), he's doing it. Actions are what really matter.

      If you know that you'd be begging your friends to get out of this situation if it were theirs, then it seems that you know what you have to do.

      I hope you can be strong and get away, because as the wedding gets nearer, the stress will only get worse and deciding to go through with a wedding based on unclear stress thinking is scary.

      I hope I don't sound harsh; I don't meant to. I guess I just feel like I can completely understand where you're coming from as I've been in a bad place like this before. And I'm happy every day that FI values me so much and is so sweet to me and so caring. I can't believe I lived so many years with such a jerk. And I don't wish it on anyone when I know how wonderful really feeling secure in a relationship can be.



      #133 townie princess

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        Posted 06 July 2008 - 02:10 AM

        I just read through all of the posts.

        Take a deep breath. Count to 10. Think about your happy place.

        Does your FI know that you've spoken with his sister about this? Is he just upset that your family knows?

        I know I hate it when my FI runs off to his mother every time we have an arguement, but your situation is definetly more serious than mine.

        I'm really glad to hear you're looking for a counsellor. I know that sometimes they can get you in as an "emergency appointment" super fast, but I guess that depends on their caseload, etc.

        Good luck. Like everyone else has said, we're here if you want to talk about wedding stuff, and most definetly here if you need to vent (gad luv these girls!).

        #134 DanielleNDerek

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          Posted 06 July 2008 - 08:56 PM

          Dez I don't think your stupid for going home, you love him that's very clear but it seems like you are really trying to make things work (making chore lists and wanting to see a therapist) and he's not willing to put in effort. And he seems to be the one with the problems. It seems like he just expects you to solve everything while he sits back.

          I really hope he changes his tune.
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          #135 Mandy

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            Posted 06 July 2008 - 09:05 PM

            Dez, how are things going at home? I hope everything is ok.

            #136 Erica053009

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              Posted 06 July 2008 - 09:15 PM

              No ones relationship is perfect as much as we all pretend it is in public. Relationships are a lot of work and even more when planning a wedding and EVEN MORE when planning a destination wedding. There is a lot of your own $ and other peoples $ and making sure people are happy and entertained for more then a few hours. The best thing you can do is let it all out stop trying to figure out why he is feeling trapped and just ask what is making him feel this way. It is better to figure things out before the big day then trying to fix it after. if you are going to spend your lives together you should be able to talk and compromise on fixing any problems they will not just go away if you ignore it. We all have our bad days and getting through them as a team is what will make your marriage work this is not about the wedding it is about your marriage
              Good luck

              #137 Kat81

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                Posted 06 July 2008 - 09:18 PM

                I was just thinking about you. I hope everything is going okay and that the two of you are working it out.

                #138 stefnicole

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                  Posted 06 July 2008 - 09:57 PM

                  Quote:
                  Originally Posted by DanielleNDerek
                  Dez I don't think your stupid for going home, you love him that's very clear but it seems like you are really trying to make things work (making chore lists and wanting to see a therapist) and he's not willing to put in effort. And he seems to be the one with the problems. It seems like he just expects you to solve everything while he sits back.

                  I really hope he changes his tune.
                  I agree with Danielle. It seems like he doesn't even care. He's not even trying to fix anything or compromise. I hope he realizes what he's doing. I've got my fingers crossed for you!

                  #139 -Kate-

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                    Posted 06 July 2008 - 10:13 PM

                    I just got caught up on all this. Whoa.

                    First, you are not dumb for going back home. It's your house too - your space. And running away for good never works.

                    Second, do not for a second keep this wedding on just because people bought tickets. It's your life - not just a trip. People can cancel and will get over it.

                    Third, he needs to be on his meds and in therapy. Now. I know he says he won't do it, but if it comes down to you living without him at all or you living with an unmedicated person (who needs med) you would be better off alone. I see too many situations that turn ugly because people go off their meds.

                    Fourth, if you were looking at this relationship from the outside you said you would say "leave". That is huge. You are the only person that can really stand up for you - no one else is going to do it. Why would you stay in a situation that you wouldn't want a friend to be in?

                    Good luck!!!!

                    #140 Ericka7885

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                      Posted 06 July 2008 - 11:46 PM

                      Dez,
                      Hi I just came across this thread and my heart goes out to you. Everyone is giving you really good advice and you will work through this and be just fine whether you are with him or not! Every relationship has it's issues, but if he's not willing to pull his weight and work at the issues with you, it will not work. It is so obvious that you love him, but first and foremost you need to loe yourself! His behavior is unacceptable and frankly pretty immature. I know you say he has had issues, but you can't make excuses for him disrespecting you! I say that you and your family/friends that have booked take the trip together and just have fun! I know this is all easier said than done, but you will figure out what is best for you in your heart. I am sorry and you are in my thougts!




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