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Need advice B4 I do something stupid

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25 replies to this topic

#1 nikkianddean

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    Posted 22 June 2008 - 11:58 PM

    Sorry in advance for the long vent. So some of you may know that I have had mixed feelings about my MOH. See prior post:


    So I got the MOH's STD last week. This weekend I was with my mom going to a family birthday and I was talking to her about MOH's wedding and I realized that my mom did not get a STD. So I emailed the MOH and asked if she invited my mom to the wedding. Her response "Nope- since we are trying to stay at our guest count." Every time I look at the email I get so upset. She is MOH at my wedding. Her parents were invited because I have known them since I was 12 and I consider everyone in my wedding party a part of my family (1 cousin, Dean's 2 sisters, and two friends). Each of thier family's are invited. So my MOH (who has a guest list of 200) does not fit my mom in there anywhere.

    My main issue is not with the lack of invitation (although it pissed me off). The thing that I am most upset about is that she never gave me a heads up like " we're sorry, but becuase of space constraints/budget we can't invite your mom." Not even when I brought it up to her did she say anything to acknowledge that it was a little strange. We're supposed to be meeting on Wednesday to talk it out.

    At this point I am convinced that we are not the friends I thought we were and I am not sure I would be a very good BM for her....

    Mr. & Mrs. C
    February 14, 2009

    #2 Kat81

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      Posted 23 June 2008 - 12:05 AM

      You are a bm in her wedding and she has known your mom since you were 12 and she didn't invite her? Hmmm I have no advice. I know my Mom would be hurt if she wasn't invited to either of my Bm's weddings. She has known them both forever too and she thinks of them as family.

      #3 1elephant

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        Posted 23 June 2008 - 12:16 AM

        i have no advice, but my best friend has been my best friend since we were 6. my parents were invited to her wedding. the only reason her parents were not invited to mine is b/c her parents are divorced (not a happy one), and when i asked if i should invite them, she told me to do what i wanted, but that neither would prob come. so i invited neither. long story long, we actually had a conversation about it. i think it would have come as quite a shock if i just didn't invite them.....
        EDIT: it's a good thing that you're meeing on wednesday - it'll give you time to compile your thoughts and decide whether or not you want to be a bm for her, and if you want her to be a moh for you!

        #4 nicole.gia

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          Posted 23 June 2008 - 02:49 AM

          The same thing happened to me last year when I was the MOH in my friend's wedding. I was surprised to find out that my parents were not invited to her wedding - she told me it was because of the guest count and trying to keep it down and that they couldn't invite everyone they wanted. In the end my parents did get invited because her mom told her she didn't feel right not extending an invitation to the parents of not only her best friend but her MOH.

          With that said, is your mom upset she is not invited? When I was upset like you are right now and talked with my mom she told me she understood as weddings are expensive and that she didn't expect to be invited (but my mom is always the peacemaker too!).

          I would explain to your friend that it hurt you to find out your mom wasn't invited and that you hope she can find room for one more on her guest list. If she really doesn't have an extra spot to give to your mom then I would just drop it. It is not worth getting into a fight with your MOH and vise versa before your weddings.

          #5 Kat81

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            Posted 23 June 2008 - 03:13 AM

            Not to mention would your Mom even go now? I mean if I wasn't invited to someones wedding then had a pity invite I wouldn't go.

            #6 Hartyt509

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              Posted 23 June 2008 - 07:55 AM

              Tricky - I mean just to play devils advocate for a second and I'm not saying she's right - but it is her wedding she can invite who she wants.

              One of my best friends I've known for years and also her mum and brother but I'm not inviting them to my wedding, I just can't afford it.

              When you have the meeting just ask her straight out why - if she says its cash well you need to just get on with it. Sorry x

              #7 Copita

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                Posted 23 June 2008 - 08:30 AM

                I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time with this MOH.
                I can understand both sides... maybe she cannot afford to invite more people but on the flip, you invited her parents to yours...

                With one of my bfs, I just wrote her name "and family" on the invitation. Her parents are not coming but I just wanted to extend it.

                How does your mother feel about it? Is she crushed?

                #8 Karen

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                  Posted 23 June 2008 - 08:37 AM

                  I don't know your friend but in my experience, most things that people do or don't do have nothing to do with us and usually is not personal. I would try to focus on all the good stuff that is happening in your life. If she is dropping the ball in terms of MOH duties then I would chat with her. But really, who she invites to her wedding is her business.
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                  #9 DanielleNDerek

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                    Posted 23 June 2008 - 08:59 AM

                    Although your upset about her not inviting your mother and not even talking to you about it first, i don't think you can say anything to her. I wouldn't take it personal. Even though she invited 200 people, sometimes that still isn't enough to include everyone you want to. I know i had to invite about 60 people who i have seen maybe 5 times my whole life because it's my dad's family maybe she had some pressure from her parents and her fis parents on people that needed to be invited. Plus maybe if she invited her mom than there are 10 other people that she would feel like she should invite. It really does add up and sometimes you have to make cuts even if you don't really want to. I'm sorry, i don't mean to be a debbie downer.

                    But i do agree with the previous post, if she's been slacking on the moh duties than you can definately talk to her about that.
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                    #10 Maura


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                    Posted 23 June 2008 - 09:06 AM

                    nikki, i mean all this in the most loving, rational way, so please dont take this as any kind of attack.

                    my MOH is my best friend from college. i know her parents well. they're divorced and each remarried for 15+ years. the divorce was somewhat amicable. i didn't invite either set of her parents - we were trying to keep the guest list small and we even excluded inviting some family members like cousins we aren't close to. plus it wasnt like i could invite one set of her parents and not the other, so i just didnt invite anyone. we were tight on space. we originally only wanted about 30 guests, and now we have about 60. the capacity of the restaurant we chose at our location is basically 60 people. if we have any more people, we may have to move our reception location, which i am adamantly against. her parents arent key players in my life with my FI. she totally understood because she did the same thing with her wedding 2 years ago. i dont think she really owed you a heads up...it IS her wedding and she can invite (or not invite) whomever she wants. Maybe she doesn't feel as close to your parents as you feel to hers? Maybe she feels pressure from her FI's family to invite more from their side and thats why your parents didn't make the top 200 cut? who knows. all im saying is, the guest list for someone else's wedding is never our choice no matter how much we want it to be, or how much we would like the extent of a courtesy invite for our parents. just because you and I have the sense to do it doesnt mean everyone does. are they paying for their wedding themselves? are the parents paying for it? i just see so many scenarios where inviting a friend's parents arent a priority to someone. i think it's good that youre going to talk it out with her, but remember, you are a guest at the wedding, and you dont get to make the guest list.

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