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ErinB

Need Advice--(LONG) Porn Issue

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If this were me, I would be more worried about the secret spending and lack of communication vs. the porn. The porn is just probably an outlet for him- he probably used to turn to it back in his single days whenver he got lonely and now he views it as a way to relieve his loneliness again.

 

I would suggest just talking to him- an open, honest conversation can help air some issues and allow them to agree on a way to solve the problems. I think it's also important to compromise.

 

If my hubby liked porn and I didn't, I would consider it a "as long as I don't know" situation. However, we ocassionally watch porn together- just to laugh you know. blush2.gif Maybe she could be more openminded to it, so it wasn't a dirty little secret on the side. Plus it might inspire them to heat the bedroom up again. lol

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Maura has a really good point, than when they do come home from your wedding they still will be in the same situation as now. I think 2 mos from now, is too long for them to wait to talk. If i had to hold something in for two months it would eat at me. She should just ask him why he was in his office till 4 am. She should try to talk to him, calmly.

 

I'm sure the alone time at your wedding would be great for them, but if they are having problems now she should try to talk to him now. Waiting could make it worse. More tension could build. I hope everything works out for them.

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I think there's a difference at looking at porn and being addicted. Most girls have said the don't find their men looking at porn to be a big deal, which is how I used to be until I spent 4 years with a guy who was addicted. It went beyond just looking at porn for a short amount of time to get off. He spent his ENTIRE day downloading porn and spending money we didn't have on porn and chatting with webcam girls online, etc. etc.

 

I had a MAJOR problem with that.

 

The point is he's doing something that she's uncomfortable with and it's something that can destroy them in the long run. Believe me, it may seem like a silly thing to gt upset about, but addiction is totally differet from normal porn watching and can cause a great deal of pain and insecurity in your friend. I think they need to address this ASAP.

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ya this goes far far faaaaaaar beyond the realms of "porn addiction" ... i highly doubt he is addicted to porn. she would have realized that early on if he really was...boys will be boys,

 

they need some counceling. it really doesnt sound like they are getting to communicate much, like you said, about what is going on in their own lives and their own needs since they have to focus so much on what is going on with the other two. open communication is hard enough in a marriage and stack on top of all that everything else and its gona be really tough..

 

id say you should really urge her that they should just go talk to someone about whats going on... its really not about the porn but that is definatly something that will be needing to be discussed

 

i think trying to talk about this just the two of them is just going to end up in a screaming fight. they need a third party there to keep things in line and guide them through this. hope i helped some.but it sounds like others have given great advice as well

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Quote:
Originally Posted by JessicaLovesBrian View Post
I think there's a difference at looking at porn and being addicted. Most girls have said the don't find their men looking at porn to be a big deal, which is how I used to be until I spent 4 years with a guy who was addicted. It went beyond just looking at porn for a short amount of time to get off. He spent his ENTIRE day downloading porn and spending money we didn't have on porn and chatting with webcam girls online, etc. etc.

I had a MAJOR problem with that.

The point is he's doing something that she's uncomfortable with and it's something that can destroy them in the long run. Believe me, it may seem like a silly thing to gt upset about, but addiction is totally differet from normal porn watching and can cause a great deal of pain and insecurity in your friend. I think they need to address this ASAP.

I agree, that is taking it way too far. It's very different from a guy occasionally peaking at a magazine or doing a few google searches. He needs to be careful also not to load their computer with viruses & adware.

I knew a guy that had a wall of porn & a t-shirt that said "i love porn." I felt so sorry for his girlfriend.

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They definitely need to sit down and talk sooner rather than later. I think this is more than a porn issue; I think this is a communication issue. Would they be open to seeing a marriage counselor?

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I agree I think this couple needs some counceling, they clearly don't have good communication and now possible trust issues. But if they aren't having s*x and he's now looking for some other forms to get, well excited. Then to be honest I can't blame him. It really sounds like they need to sit and talk and talk to a professional that can help get to the real issues.

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So I haven't read what the other's have written....but here are my 2 cents.

I think you should tell them that they need to sit down and communicate with one another about how uncomfortable it is for her and him telling her why he is needing to few the porn all hours of the night. If they are not able to communicate with one another I suggest counseling.

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I agree that she should definitely talk to him about this sooner than later. Two months to hold it all in before Jamaica is too long I think.

 

I'm also not sure I would call him an addict. Almost every single guy I know looks at porn.. and if her husband hasn't "got any" in quite awhile I can see why he'd be looking at it.

 

Hopefully they can talk it out and they can understand where each other is coming from. If they can't, I suggest going to see a counsellor. It would be awesome if this was all straightened out before your wedding so they could really enjoy the trip!

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I agree, it doesn't sound like he's addicted. Staying up late and avoiding his responsibilities can also sometimes be a sign of depression. Just like sleeping too much, sleeping too little is another sign.

 

Most men need visual stimulation just like most women need foreplay. I really think it's unfair for her to be upset about it when she doesn't even know the story. IMHO, the porn is a symptom of what happens when communication and intimacy is lacking, which it appears to be in their relationship.

 

I also think it's imperative that they sort this out before their trip. Bottling something this important up may destroy them, both individually and as a family and couple. They are dealing with a very difficult situation with a special needs child and they need to ban together, not separate...

 

I think counselling would be a really good idea for you to suggest as her friend.

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