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Breathe Sarah Breathe!

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#131 Saraha

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    Posted 23 April 2008 - 01:13 PM

    Well we got an email from his father last night. I responded to it and emailed it to Kevin to ask what he thought (the email was written coming from Kevin if that makes sense) Im sending it from his email.

    Kevin and Sarah,

    We do not have any issues. We want you both to have the party of your dreams and one that you will remember always. The point that is trying to be made is that we (all) have to draw the line somewhere and that we need to live within some parameters and budgets. Sometimes we can't have everything that we want and therefore must make some decisions. You both can't continue to add to the party without thinking about cost, that is a reality. The reason I brought up what I did today is to make that point. The point that this was going to be for 100 people with a $5,000 budget that should have covered all of it. Now it is well over both. Mom and I thought that $5,000 would provide you both with a very special party and we were trying to stay within this budget.

    We don't want anyone to be upset. We have had nothing but positive intentions and have never said no to anything that you both have wanted. We are doing everything to help, and not just with the money part. Don't let this silly issue come between us, it is not worth it.

    We love you both with all our hearts. We are adults that can discuss issues that will always come up. I hope that you both feel the same.

    Love always,

    Mom and Dad

    Mom and Dad,

    We are both very happy to hear that your guys dont have any issues, that is the last thing that we all need/want. In our eyes this has gone far beyond the candy, its the principle We completely understand the point you are trying to make, and that yes a line does need to be drawn and so forth. But let me ask you a question, why did you spend 15,000 on new furniture for the house when you could have spent 5,000? Because you had the money and that is what you wanted, correct?

    So why does sarah want to add a $30 thing to the wedding, no we do not need it but we have the money and that is what she wanted. Things that you may think are unimportant and useless to you, may not be to us.

    Like you said we are all adults, and feel we are very responsible and are trying our hardest when it comes to finances. We are not adding a $3000 item to this wedding that we cannot afford. The need to express that we are not able to get everything we want is obviously common sense and do not need to be told this. There are many things we want, along with everyone else but do not get because we cant afford it. Therefore we are not simply adding many things to the wedding because we cannot afford it. We have cut corners as much as possible by Mom and Sarah making everything on their own, etc. and would not say we keep "adding" things to the wedding.

    It is my understanding that from the beginning we were told that we are given 5K and anything after is our responsibility. We have been asking multiple times to tell us when we do get past our 5k so we can begin paying and were never told we were over budget. Sarah and I already knew it would exceed the 5K due to the increase in people and are prepared for paying for this. We would not get ourselves into something that we could not afford, and hope you understand we are responsible enough to never do this.

    The five thousand dollars will make an outstanding wedding, we couldn't be more greatful for what you are doing for us. We know you have helped us not only financailly but have been an unbelieveable help/support with everything. Sarah always tells me she couldnt have done with wedding without all of the help.

    We hope this resolves everything between all of us. We just wanted to let you know where Sarah and I are coming from. We both love you very much and want you to know how much we are thankful for everything you have done.

    Love you,

    Kevin and Sarah

    #132 Maura


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    Posted 23 April 2008 - 01:16 PM

    sarah i think that email to them was perfect. good for you and kevin for being straight with them and not caving on your principles and what you feel. so proud of you.

    #133 rodent


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      Posted 23 April 2008 - 01:35 PM

      Originally Posted by Rachelle E.
      yeah, if they gave you the money, then it's yours to spend however you'd like...even if it's on bagel bites and moutain dew! loL! and of course you'll be responsible if you go over budget! You guys are adults! I think she's not giving you enough credit.
      Ha ha! We threw a great party with bagel bites for everyone. They were awesome. I think I had 20 that night. We made 2 huge boxes from Sam's club.

      I'm so glad my AHR is at a friends house & I can be as tacky as I wanna be :)

      #134 Hartyt509

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        Posted 23 April 2008 - 01:36 PM

        Originally Posted by Ana
        Honestly I think personally I would just say forget it to even having them (a)host the party at their house and (b)give the 5k towards it. Maybe you can find a nice hall or another location to have it at, take out a 5k loan, and have the reception the way you want to have the reception. Allow them to attend as GUESTS not hosts and that should get the point across. This is your wedding, you only get one, so you should do it the way you want to. $5000 in the greater scheme of your life, as well as your pride, is not a big price to pay. You're not children who need to be taught a lesson, you're adults who were given an opportunity and a gift by them. The "gift" of helping with the AHR shouldn't come with limitations. Stand up for yourselves and don't let them do what they want. The party isn't for them, its not for their friends either, its for you and Kevin to be celebrated for coming together in marriage...and it should be done the way you want it to be done. If your FMIL wants to have a party of her own, then she can do that.

        I just read throught the whole thread and I'm fuming (so I can only imagine how you're feeling). I'm a pretty forward person though, and I don't really forgive easily, so obviously take my advice with a grain of salt because it might not be condusive to your personality.

        I just don't think that at this point anything good can come of continuing to have the party at her house. Either way she wins on this, and gets to treat you and Kevin like children. I would text her back and say "Words once spoken are hard to forget. They leave a lasting impression, and having them in black and white in emails isn't something that you can just take back with an apology". Then I would call around and see what venue would be open for the time and date that you have your guests arriving. Book it, move the vendors over, and send out a quick card to your guests informing them of the change. I think this will allow you to have the AHR of your dreams, without feeling guilty or pressured to cater to someone else's vision (namely your FMIL and FFIL), and it will show them that you're adults who can make your own decisions. Its not fair that your relationship with them is predicated on whether or not you adhere to their wishes. They should respect and understand you regardless. Maybe its them who need to be taught a lesson.
        Exactly what I was going to say.

        My FMIL is a control freak who thinks she can control everyone - unfortunately she knows she has no hope with me as she would just get told to shove her head up her backside.

        Unfortunately when you get money off people they think they have a right to boss you about. Thats why I have told FI if his mother wants to give us cash he gets it and I don't want a penny of it.

        Kevin's email was perfect but if you get any more grief - give them 5k back, if you can, and do what you want. They will be the ones coming back and begging for forgiveness when they realise they are being complete arses.

        I'm sure it'll work out and all that matters is that FI is standing his ground a lot of blokes do exactly what their mothers tell them (I know this from bitter experience!!)

        #135 rodent


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          Posted 23 April 2008 - 01:51 PM

          I really do think all of you are handeling it well. Money is touchy. Did his parents give you $5000 total or $5000 for the wedding & $5000 for the AHR? Either way, that's a lot of money. It's really hard to give someone money & not be judgy of what they spend it on. Weddings are a big test of how you are going to handle future problems. I really think things look good for you & your FI and his parents. The email from his dad was great & the reply was great.

          I don't know if parents ever stop judging kids for the things they buy. I'm a really good saver, but I find when I splurge I justify it to my mom like I'm a kid. The other day, she was doing the same thing to me about getting lasik. I realized that's exactly what i sound like when I buy anything expensive. So I just told her she deserves it & I think it's a great choice.

          Money can make people do weird things. You & your FI & future inlaws handled it well. It was probably a fight that needed to happen to strengthen the relationship. It's great to see your FI backed you up. I do think everything will blow over & everyone will understand the other's prospective.

          #136 Opice34

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            Posted 23 April 2008 - 02:05 PM

            Originally Posted by Alyssa
            ok, i am late to this thread but i just read through it all. Sarah - you have to stop apologizing to her and giving her power over you and your decisions - it will only get worse when you get married and have children. believe me, you will not want your MIL buzzing around telling you how to live in 2 years!!
            I'm late to this thread too. My first thought in reading this was that I love candy bars and I think they are a GREAT idea, but it wouldn't be worth fighting with my FMIL over. I don't like confrontation and always try to find some middle ground.

            BUT, Alyssa's post changed my mind....she's right. Today it's a candy bar, then it's how to decorate your house, then it's how to raise your children. I could see it spiraling out of control if you don't start sticking up for yourself. So, the earlier the better! Sounds like you're on the right track! Good job!

            #137 Opice34

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              Posted 23 April 2008 - 02:26 PM

              Okay - I finally finished reading this thread. :)

              Sarah I love your FI!!!!! He sounds wonderful!!! It sounds like he has a wonderful relationship with his parents and he is also very supportive of you and wants to make sure that you have the wedding you want! What a great guy!

              It also sounds like your future in-laws are wonderful people too and it's clear that they love you very much. I think it is GREAT that you have a relationship where you can talk as openly as you have been. Some people don't even have that! I was wondering if maybe your FMIL was a bit thrown off by the email that Maura drafted for you. It was a GREAT email, but the tone was much different than anything you would have written before, so it may have caught her off guard and consequently she didn't handle it very well.

              It sounds like they truly want you to have a wonderful day, but they are stressed out about it as well. I'm sure having a child get married is an emotional and stressful event - something I have no way of understanding! She may not be handling things as best she could, but it really does sound like she has good intentions.

              Maybe it's time to sit down face to face and have a heart to heart talk? Sometimes these things are better over the phone or in a real conversation? Things can get so out of hand over email. (Although I think FI's email was perfect!)

              Big hugs to you. I really hope this all works out. Before that last chain of emails, I was going to say I agree with Ana and you should just tell them you're going to pay for the whole thing yourselves. That way you don't have to answer to anyone. But after reading the email from FFIL it sounds like they genuinely want to do something nice for you...maybe they just don't know the best way to go about it. Sounds like everyone is just over-stressed.

              I think it's great that you all have such an open relationship and I would hate to see anything come between that. But at the same time, you guys do need to stick up for yourselves. And sounds like FI has that under control!

              I'm sure everything will end up okay! It sounds like there are 4 reasonable people involved who are just having a misunderstanding! Let us know how it works out! HUGS!!!

              #138 DanielleNDerek

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                Posted 23 April 2008 - 02:49 PM

                I think the email that you sent to his dad (parents) was dead on. Your being very straight forward and making all of your points known. And you weren't being rude about it.

                I hope that does the trick. Your future in-laws do sound like they care about you. Like others have said, weddings make people crazy. Try not to take anything personally.
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                #139 Alyssa

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                  Posted 23 April 2008 - 04:39 PM

                  Sarah, I just read the latest and Kevin's last email to them was perfect. You have a great guy - he sounds very grounded and i like that he didn't wimp out or cave - him sticking up for your ideas shows his parents that the TWO of you are a unit now and they need to back off!

                  #140 Chiquita

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                    Posted 23 April 2008 - 05:59 PM

                    Wow... just finished catching up with this thread.. good for you and Kevin sticking your ground.. I think the email was perfect! Sorry you had to go through all this

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