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What Would You Do? Bm Drama


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#11 KAT2015

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Posted 26 August 2014 - 08:21 AM

This is definitely a tough one - I'm having my own difficulties with the BM situation (see another thread).

 

I'm sure we could all sit her and psychoanalyze - maybe she is jealous? Maybe she is mad about not being MOH? Maybe she has stuff going on at home?

 

But at the end of the day, she isn't supporting you the way you need to be supported.

 

If it were me, I would likely handle it by getting her together for coffee and asking if she is ok in general.  Is something going on you don't know about? At the end of the day, you are still friends.

 

But when it comes to the wedding - I would probably tell her that  yes, you are at different places in your life.  And if she feels that it is best not to stand up with you for that reason (or others), then she can step down but you won't replace her because she isn't replaceable in your life.  I would seriously give one groomsmen two bridesmaids to walk with to account for an uneven number.  And with all that, let her know that you would still really like to share that day and week with her - maybe it will help you two to reconnect.

 

Then she has no pressure to book the vacation.  And if things improve before your wedding (I think its early 2016??) you can offer her back the spot.  She knows she will have to pay more.

 

And if it is really that important to YOU, maybe secretly put down the $150 for her to hold that seat as a just in case.  All you lose is $150 - and you could even get someone else who has booked yet to take that spot if necessary.



#12 KAT2015

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Posted 26 August 2014 - 08:57 AM

*that should have been 'hasn't booked yet' not has booked yet.  



#13 Mrsktobe

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Posted 26 August 2014 - 09:11 AM

The rest of the ladies here gave you sound advice so I am not going to repeat what they said, I just wanted to pop in and say I hope it all works out whichever way it goes. It's sad that things like weddings make peoples true colors come out. But you have many other positives to focus on and it sounds like you are in a better place regarding this. Good Luck :)



#14 kmk2016

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Posted 26 August 2014 - 09:47 AM

Thanks girls.

She has always been self absorbed, but I never took it personally and never asked much of her even when she was my MOH.

She could be jealous but I doubt it... At least she would never admit it... She has an amazing life living the lap of luxury with two adorable kids and not a worry in the world. Trust me- there is no secret turmoil she is going through.

It's not even that this wedding has brought out a different person... Hell, it's 18 months away and I haven't asked my girls to do anything for me! I only suggested she book because my TA is worried about our contract hitting it's max.,, and I didn't want her missing out because she let it slip her mind. I'm not going to put down a deposit for her, because honestly if she can't be bothered? Then I don't need her to be there. I offered the same "nudge" to other important people to us and all the rest thanked us for the reminder and booked right away!

We used to laugh at the same jokes, worked together and stayed up late talking about boys and travel and what we wanted to do with our lives.... And although we still laugh a ton when we are together/ we are very different people now and maybe the friendship has simply run it's course.

Bottom line- she stopped being a friend probably a long time ago, but we enjoy one another's company when we are together and I'm not one to hold grudges or worry about things usually. The fact that an occasion like a wedding has pointed out how removed from my life (and I hers) she really is, is just a rude awakening I guess. We aren't having a groomsman for every BM so that doesn't even worry me at all (I have a guy on my side lol)... So yes- I will be pissed if she doesn't show up on Friday but I will move on. I'm not going to ask her for coffee again... I called her to talk things out and she hung up- that should have been my answer right there,,, but I still want to give her the rope to be the grown up and show up Friday, apologize and move on.


After nearly 20 years of coddling I'm done!




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#15 KAT2015

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Posted 26 August 2014 - 09:56 AM

Thanks girls.

She has always been self absorbed, but I never took it personally and never asked much of her even when she was my MOH.

She could be jealous but I doubt it... At least she would never admit it... She has an amazing life living the lap of luxury with two adorable kids and not a worry in the world. Trust me- there is no secret turmoil she is going through.

It's not even that this wedding has brought out a different person... Hell, it's 18 months away and I haven't asked my girls to do anything for me! I only suggested she book because my TA is worried about our contract hitting it's max.,, and I didn't want her missing out because she let it slip her mind. I'm not going to put down a deposit for her, because honestly if she can't be bothered? Then I don't need her to be there. I offered the same "nudge" to other important people to us and all the rest thanked us for the reminder and booked right away!

We used to laugh at the same jokes, worked together and stayed up late talking about boys and travel and what we wanted to do with our lives.... And although we still laugh a ton when we are together/ we are very different people now and maybe the friendship has simply run it's course.

Bottom line- she stopped being a friend probably a long time ago, but we enjoy one another's company when we are together and I'm not one to hold grudges or worry about things usually. The fact that an occasion like a wedding has pointed out how removed from my life (and I hers) she really is, is just a rude awakening I guess. We aren't having a groomsman for every BM so that doesn't even worry me at all (I have a guy on my side lol)... So yes- I will be pissed if she doesn't show up on Friday but I will move on. I'm not going to ask her for coffee again... I called her to talk things out and she hung up- that should have been my answer right there,,, but I still want to give her the rope to be the grown up and show up Friday, apologize and move on.


After nearly 20 years of coddling I'm done!




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**APPLAUSE**

 

Sometimes it just takes venting it out and having other people speak up to make it clear what you want.

 

I hope you can breathe a sigh of relief now that you have a plan - and here's hoping you move forward with nothing but happiness and FUN in planning your wedding over the next 18 months!



#16 kmk2016

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Posted 30 August 2014 - 05:21 AM

Well girls- I'm officially lighter by one BM! Am I sad? Not really surprisingly... Am I surprised? Not at all.

After not hearing from her all week- and then meeting at the restaurant with the other girls, still not hearing a peep from her- at 5:45pm (we were meeting at 5pm) I sent her a text.
It read: "Thank you for sharing with me how you were feeling and the decision you made... (no way I was going to let her think in ANY way, I made this decision- SHE did). I won't be adding someone to replace you as a BM and will simply go with one less, but I will find someone to use your concert ticket tonight as I don't want it to go to waste. It's unfortunate it has come to this. I truly want only the best for you. Take Care."

No reply.... No call to apologize.... Nothing. And I'm ok with that- which speak volumes about how fractured our friendship must have been going into this!

So now one less dress for me to buy.... Far less drama... And damn! She was planning on doing my makeup at the wedding- guess I need to figure out plan B!




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Edited by kmk2016, 30 August 2014 - 05:22 AM.


#17 calgarybride2015

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Posted 30 August 2014 - 06:08 AM

Well girls- I'm officially lighter by one BM! Am I sad? Not really surprisingly... Am I surprised? Not at all.

After not hearing from her all week- and then meeting at the restaurant with the other girls, still not hearing a peep from her- at 5:45pm (we were meeting at 5pm) I sent her a text.
It read: "Thank you for sharing with me how you were feeling and the decision you made... (no way I was going to let her think in ANY way, I made this decision- SHE did). I won't be adding someone to replace you as a BM and will simply go with one less, but I will find someone to use your concert ticket tonight as I don't want it to go to waste. It's unfortunate it has come to this. I truly want only the best for you. Take Care."

No reply.... No call to apologize.... Nothing. And I'm ok with that- which speak volumes about how fractured our friendship must have been going into this!

So now one less dress for me to buy.... Far less drama... And damn! She was planning on doing my makeup at the wedding- guess I need to figure out plan B!




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Sorry it came to this but I am glad you are being positive and moving forward.  It takes a lot but we get to a point in our lives where we see this as the easier route! good for you!

 

I hope you were able to find someone for that ticket - they weren't cheap nor easy to get!!!  I would have offered but Firework ruined it for me. I do love her older stuff like 'waking up in Vegas'  :)  Hope the rest of you had an awesome night.


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#18 KAT2015

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Posted 31 August 2014 - 11:25 AM

Well girls- I'm officially lighter by one BM! Am I sad? Not really surprisingly... Am I surprised? Not at all.

After not hearing from her all week- and then meeting at the restaurant with the other girls, still not hearing a peep from her- at 5:45pm (we were meeting at 5pm) I sent her a text.
It read: "Thank you for sharing with me how you were feeling and the decision you made... (no way I was going to let her think in ANY way, I made this decision- SHE did). I won't be adding someone to replace you as a BM and will simply go with one less, but I will find someone to use your concert ticket tonight as I don't want it to go to waste. It's unfortunate it has come to this. I truly want only the best for you. Take Care."

No reply.... No call to apologize.... Nothing. And I'm ok with that- which speak volumes about how fractured our friendship must have been going into this!

So now one less dress for me to buy.... Far less drama... And damn! She was planning on doing my makeup at the wedding- guess I need to figure out plan B!




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Congrats on finding an end to your issue!! As hard as it can be, it must be a relief to have a final answer.

 

I think you did the right thing.  As for the issue with your make-up - perhaps with the money you will save on the dress you can put it towards make-up at the resort spa? Being as you have budgeted for it already.

 

I truly hope that you can move forward and enjoy the rest of this time with your BMs!  And I do hope you and your friend wind up in contact soon and in a place that is right for both of you now.

 

:)



#19 kmk2016

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Posted 31 August 2014 - 09:34 PM

Congrats on finding an end to your issue!! As hard as it can be, it must be a relief to have a final answer.

I think you did the right thing. As for the issue with your make-up - perhaps with the money you will save on the dress you can put it towards make-up at the resort spa? Being as you have budgeted for it already.

I truly hope that you can move forward and enjoy the rest of this time with your BMs! And I do hope you and your friend wind up in contact soon and in a place that is right for both of you now.

:)


Yes will totally use that budget toward getting it done in the spa- they have great reviews so I'm happy with that.

Other BMs are all booked and super pumped about the wedding. Planning on enjoying time with them here on in with no drama!

As for her and I figuring out how to move past this- she deleted me on FB haha... Ok- high school much? Lol... In any event- the passive aggressive thing doesn't really work for me- so whatever. Glad I nipped this craziness in the butt when I did! The girl obviously had some serious issues she was unwilling to talk through with me. Moving onward and upward.


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#20 tygrrlily

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Posted 31 August 2014 - 10:28 PM

Yes will totally use that budget toward getting it done in the spa- they have great reviews so I'm happy with that.

Other BMs are all booked and super pumped about the wedding. Planning on enjoying time with them here on in with no drama!

As for her and I figuring out how to move past this- she deleted me on FB haha... Ok- high school much? Lol... In any event- the passive aggressive thing doesn't really work for me- so whatever. Glad I nipped this craziness in the butt when I did! The girl obviously had some serious issues she was unwilling to talk through with me. Moving onward and upward.


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Oh my I can't believe she deleted you off of facebook! That's completely high school.  It's definitely sad that the friendship has come to this point, but it does seem like you are truly better off without her and can focus on all of your bms that are happy to attend your wedding!  I'm sorry you have to go through this. She is definitely going to be missing out on an awesome wedding week :)


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