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kmanna

How Do You Respond When People Tell You That Your Wedding Is Selfish?

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I've been in other forums where I've been harassed over having a destination wedding. The reality is that in my circumstance, we really have our guests best interest in mind and are paying for SO much. My bridesmaids have actually asked me to stop paying for things! It really hurts my feelings when people call my decision "selfish". Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you respond?

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@kmanna- Unfortunatley my future father -in law told me this at our engagement celebration. It totally sucked and I left crying. My fiance and his siblings felt HORRIBLE about it as his dad is just old school and doesn't know why we don't just have a "traditional wedding" We went back and forth after this incident if we should just have it in the states,etc. and in the end we realized it was OUR day to be happy and we needed to do waht we wanted and if people couldn't make it we had to be ok with that since not everyone would be able toa ffodr to come. The way we looked at it was that most of our guests were coming from chicago and we lived in NYC so if we had a weddin gin NY they would have to pay for 2 nights hotel and a flight anyway. We ened up getting a GREaT rate for our guests that we felt was fair and we paid for some of my fiances family so that they couldn't ruin our moment.

 

Looking back now after a few months I am SOOOOOOOOO glad we did what we wanted. When I tell you tha tI get emails eVERYday of people SO excited about our wedding I am not kidding. People can't stop talking about it and telling us how thrilled they are. Surround yourself with the people who are happy and excited for you and please ignore everyone else. I am the biggest people pleaser there is and I struggled iwth doing mexico after what happened with my future father in law and in the end I am so happy I did what I wanted for MY wedding that I am paying for! It's your time to be "selfish" you are the bride. We have paid fo rso much and are making this an amazing weekend for eveyrone attending. We will have plenty of entertainment, amazing food, dancing,etc.

Please don't let ridiculous people ruin what YOU want.

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WOW! That is unreal I'm sorry you've had to deal with this! First of all, don't be a part of those forums, they will only tear you down. If strangers are telling you it's selfish, it's easy to ignore those comments and not take them to heart. They don't know you and you don't know them so it's no sweat off your back! If a DW is what's best for you and your guests, that's all that matters. If your nearest and dearest are supportive and on board, that's what counts right? Those nay-sayers can go........away. haha

What forums have you been on, for curiosity sake? If you don't want to say, PM me, I'm curious!

 

I personally didn't encounter this while planning our wedding, but I was nervous about it! I would stand your ground and say exactly how you feel - a DW is what's best for you, you and your FI chose it, it's about the two of YOU and you're happy and excited. That's all they need to know :)

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I've said it many times and I'll pass it on to you. There is nothing that brings out the squabbles in families and friends like weddings and funerals. A lot of times people make comments because they just resent the fact that they have to pay, and take time off, etc. Ours got bad enough with people not wanting to pay that we got married just the two of us and the WCs were our witnesses.

 

No matter how it turns out, it's your day. And you're getting married the way you want to. Don't let the negativity get you down. lol you could always threaten to elope!  that has a way of shutting people up, especially if it comes down to a choice of people being able to be there or not! But seriously, you need to let it roll off. have you thought about an at home reception? that might appease some people. otherwise, you smile politely and say that you're very sorry they won't be able to make it to your wedding, but you know you'll have wonderful memories of your wedding to [blank] in paradise! usually if you don't let people see they're getting to you, they'll back off.

 

Good luck and happy planning!!

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@@kmanna I've encountered similar forums before too!  I think it's so ridiculous!  But at the same time it's a little hurtful.  My mother in law to be isn't really cool with the idea of a destination wedding and passive aggressively lets us know that.  We're planning to have a city hall wedding here so that we don't have to wait too long for our marriage certificate and having our symbolic wedding in Cuba.  We are putting the focus on our Cuba wedding and she doesn't see the point in us going to Cuba.  She's really been persuading us to have our wedding here.  A few of my friends in college are also engaged, but having traditional weddings and they constantly make me feel like the odd one out.  A lot of people looked at me weirdly when I mentioned that I want a destination wedding.  It's hard to not let it get to you.  After much thought we've decided that we are going to have a secret city hall wedding here, a symbolic wedding in Cuba, and an at home reception when we return. 

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My mother initially was so upset when we told her we were having a dw.  She is traditional and wanted us to have a traditional asian banquet. She was worried about the crime in mexico, food quality etc.

 

At one point she said she was not coming but my dad was great and was like "have a great time alone, i am going to mexico".

 

Of course she went and had the BEST time!  She said it was the best wedding and now is a huge advocate for dws.  she tells EVERYONE that they should have one.  my cousin, her friends.  She also goes to mexico with us at least once a year and wants to have her vow renewal in mexico.

 

oh, how her tune has changed  :P

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@@kmanna I've encountered similar forums before too!  I think it's so ridiculous!  But at the same time it's a little hurtful.  My mother in law to be isn't really cool with the idea of a destination wedding and passive aggressively lets us know that.  We're planning to have a city hall wedding here so that we don't have to wait too long for our marriage certificate and having our symbolic wedding in Cuba.  We are putting the focus on our Cuba wedding and she doesn't see the point in us going to Cuba.  She's really been persuading us to have our wedding here.  A few of my friends in college are also engaged, but having traditional weddings and they constantly make me feel like the odd one out.  A lot of people looked at me weirdly when I mentioned that I want a destination wedding.  It's hard to not let it get to you.  After much thought we've decided that we are going to have a secret city hall wedding here, a symbolic wedding in Cuba, and an at home reception when we return. 

Oh Man, this sounds like my situation to a "T".  My MIL and FIL were very vocal about how they did not agree with our choice.  They threatened not to go.  Even after they booked their trips they were not excited for the wedding and still gave us issues about it.  For this reason we didn't tell them that we were getting legally married before leaving.  I thought that they would throw a fit about traveling all the way to Mexico for a wedding that wasn't legal. 

My advice is to try not to let this get to you (it was so hard for me).  Know that you are going to have an amazing time at your wedding and that is all that matters.  Most likely your MIL-to-be will have a great time on vacation, my MIL did!

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@@DinaQtobe Thanks for the advice, it gives me so much hope that our situations are the same and yours turned out great.  It's been really hard dealing with the criticism of wanting to have a destination wedding.  I'm slowly learning that whatever I do won't please everyone.  I've been a people pleaser all my life, so it's hard to do something that makes people unhappy.  At the end of the day it is our wedding.  We are going to do it the way we want to do it.  I think I just need to learn to stand up for myself.  It kind of bothers me that my future MIL really wants to take over and plan a wedding for us at home.  

 

I'm starting to learn that the bridal experience isn't always sunshine and lollipops.  There are ups and down that come with it as well and I think that it does test your relationships.  I think for us destination brides part of the experience is to grow a thicker skin so we don't take criticisms so personally.  

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@@DinaQtobe Thanks for the advice, it gives me so much hope that our situations are the same and yours turned out great.  It's been really hard dealing with the criticism of wanting to have a destination wedding.  I'm slowly learning that whatever I do won't please everyone.  I've been a people pleaser all my life, so it's hard to do something that makes people unhappy.  At the end of the day it is our wedding.  We are going to do it the way we want to do it.  I think I just need to learn to stand up for myself.  It kind of bothers me that my future MIL really wants to take over and plan a wedding for us at home.  

 

I'm starting to learn that the bridal experience isn't always sunshine and lollipops.  There are ups and down that come with it as well and I think that it does test your relationships.  I think for us destination brides part of the experience is to grow a thicker skin so we don't take criticisms so personally.  

You're absolutely right! Stand up for what you want, it's YOUR wedding! It does help you grow a thicker skin and you have to stand your ground and don't give in to what others want! It's not about them, now THAT'S being selfish.

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??? i don't understand the accusation. it's a wedding - basically a look at us event.. look at us, take pictures of us, eat our favorite food, talk about how awesome we are, watch us dance. give us presents... it is a me-centered event. who cares? if you are mad, then don't come. not understanding what the problem is. 

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