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Unresponsive Bridesmaid


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#11 Krystal084

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    Posted 02 May 2013 - 09:27 AM

    I absolutely would never expect anyone to travel to Jamaica with a baby unless THEY were all about it.  And I am beginning to come around to the fact that some women would welcome a break while her family took care of the baby, and some women would find that horrific to be away from such a young child- it all comes down to preference.

     

    So Denielle, you are absolutely right when you say these are two seperate issues. In the time since I wrote this first post, I have become appalled at just how uninvolved this girl has been in anything having to do with my wedding after I was a proper bridesmaid and friend to her for so many years.  I've been able to deal with the hurt and disappointment by reasoning that it's a sunk cost and a lesson learned never to put myself in a position where I can be used by someone again.

     

    HER loss, moving on!

     



    #12 gresley

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      Posted 02 May 2013 - 09:54 AM

      Originally Posted by Krystal084 

       

      So Denielle, you are absolutely right when you say these are two seperate issues. In the time since I wrote this first post, I have become appalled at just how uninvolved this girl has been in anything having to do with my wedding after I was a proper bridesmaid and friend to her for so many years.  I've been able to deal with the hurt and disappointment by reasoning that it's a sunk cost and a lesson learned never to put myself in a position where I can be used by someone again.

       

      HER loss, moving on!

       

       

      :D You go girl!



      #13 deniden

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      Posted 08 May 2013 - 09:13 AM

      Originally Posted by Krystal084 

      I absolutely would never expect anyone to travel to Jamaica with a baby unless THEY were all about it.  And I am beginning to come around to the fact that some women would welcome a break while her family took care of the baby, and some women would find that horrific to be away from such a young child- it all comes down to preference.

       

      So Denielle, you are absolutely right when you say these are two seperate issues. In the time since I wrote this first post, I have become appalled at just how uninvolved this girl has been in anything having to do with my wedding after I was a proper bridesmaid and friend to her for so many years.  I've been able to deal with the hurt and disappointment by reasoning that it's a sunk cost and a lesson learned never to put myself in a position where I can be used by someone again.

       

      HER loss, moving on!

       

       

      Ugh, it's just a shame that she chose now to really show how bad of a friend she is. Boo to her!



      #14 NJBride2014

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      Posted 16 July 2013 - 09:52 AM

      Originally Posted by Krystal084 

      I am writing because I need some advice on what to do..  One of my friends from college who I used to be very close to is one of my bridesmaids for my Jamaica wedding and I am getting the feeling that she is going to drop out soon.

       

      We live a few hours away from each other and after college I was always visiting her for the weekends, for her birthdays, etc.  I was there for her birthday 3 years in a row, her housewarming and engagement party. I think she visited me once in the span of 4 years, so I eventually stopped going to see her.  Since then, I was in her wedding a year ago, and did everything a bridesmaid promises to do when she agrees to be a BM.

       

      Now she is pregnant and will be due 3 months before my wedding and she has indicated to me that she may not be able to make my wedding in Jamaica.  I have asked around because I wasn't sure if I should still expect her to come 3 months postpartum, but everyone I asked has said that is more than enough time to recuperate.  She has a supportive husband and family that could even watch the baby even if she wanted to get away for 2-3 days.. 

       

      Ever since my MOH has started the planning process for my wedding, this BM has been unresponsive and we've felt we've had to constantly stay on top of her for responses regarding shower or bachelorette dates that worked for her or not.  To be honest, I am just really hurt that I've tried to be such a good friend for so many years while she didnt put a whole lot of effort in- only to receive the same treatment for one of the most important days of my life...

       

      So I am asking if you think that having a 3 month old baby is reason enough to not go to a destination wedding that you have known about for almost 2 years.. ?

      Sorry this might be long.

       

      So I'm kind of on the same boat with an unresponsive friend except it's a friend I've known for almost 29 years.  This friend lets call her "X" I've known since we were born and lived next door to each other.  I'm always the one to go out of my way to see her or make plans and lately its more clear that our friendship is more me making an effort then her.  We both got engaged around the same time and I took her out for her engagement and gave her a gift, for me I didn't even get a card.  Anyway I got over that but when the wedding planning began she started first and I guess I always assumed we would be in each others wedding.  Then she tells me she isn't having a wedding party which is fine I was a little upset but I understood and got over it.  I on the other hand am having a wedding party and would like to have her be a bridesmaid. So every time I would bring up the bridesmaids or my wedding in general she always changed the subject or didn't really seam excited for me.  Whenever she brings up her wedding I'm always supportive and give her my opinion I even went with her to pick out her wedding dress. She ended up going with the dress I loved the most on her.  I'm just so confused about the way she is acting right now with me I would have never thought she would be this way towards my wedding. This past weekend I asked my 3 sisters and anther close friend not "X" to be my bridesmaids with cute gifts and cards and they all said yes and were excited.  I have the card and gift for "X" but have yet to send it to her.  "X" told the mutual friend who said yes to being a bridesmaid that she wasn't sure if she could be my bridesmaid as she doesn't even think she'll go to my wedding.  This was a total surprise to me since I've been talking about a destination wedding for years and will be planning my wedding for almost 2.  My wedding is still over a year away so its plenty of time to save for it.  I guess whats bothering me the most is that when she first started planning her wedding she was thinking of doing it in Hawaii (we are from NJ) and I said to her tell me when and where and I'm there.  I didn't get quite the same reaction when I said we were getting married in Cancun.  I'm pretty sure she is going to say no so I'm not sure if I should even bother asking her to be a bridesmaid and that is upsetting me.  Should I still send her the gift and card and leave it up to her?  I just know how she is especially since her wedding is 2 months away I don't want to put more on her plate right now but I need to know how many girls I'm going to have so we can ask the groomsmen.  She is notorious for changing the subject and ignoring things so I figured if I ask and she ignores me that's my answer and I will probably have to confront her about and reevaluate our relationship.  I just don't want it to get to that point I thought this would be the easy part.   


      43 guests plus bride and groom.... ;)

       

      Engagement Photos - http://www.bestdesti...y/#entry1827276

       

      Planning Thread - http://www.bestdesti...y/#entry1860630


      #15 Krystal084

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        Posted 17 July 2013 - 02:06 PM

        I really feel for you!  It honestly does sound like you are way more invested in the friendship than she is.

         

        My wedding is less than a month and a half away and my "unresponsive bridesmaid" has not only slyly backed out of the wedding using excuse after excuse, but she has been 110% uninterested and uninvolved in my shower and bachelorette party.  Every time I have asked her point blank, she just gives excuse after excuse.  My shower is this weekend and she never RSVPed and texted me the longest excuse ever after I asked her what was going on- she never even gave me a yes or no answer, so I've cut my losses. I don't need to wear myself down by trying to prove myself to someone who couldnt care less.

         

        I would take a step back and look at it from a broader perspective. I bet you she treats other people this way as well. I believe in karma and know these people will regret acting this way to others, but by then it will be too late. It might also be easier for me since she lives in another state.

         

        If I were you, I would give her an opportunity so she can't say you didnt ask her, but just assume that she will have nothing to do with it.  Attend her wedding of course, but I wouldnt go out of my way for her anymore. It's just hurting you more in the end. It is what it is!

         

        Also with your destination wedding, I said the SAME EXACT thing about giving people almost 2 years notice to save.  It doesn't matter in the end, because some people are just not good with money management.  People will go who you never expected, and the people who you thought were definites will back out.  Just a week ago, my two friends who do hair and make-up backed out. Have a backup plan for everything and expect nothing from anyone!  I know that sounds bitter, but it's actually helped me from feeling so hurt when I get next to nothing from all these friends who I've gone out of my way for in the past...



        #16 NJBride2014

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        Posted 19 July 2013 - 11:21 AM

        Originally Posted by Krystal084 

        I really feel for you!  It honestly does sound like you are way more invested in the friendship than she is.

         

        My wedding is less than a month and a half away and my "unresponsive bridesmaid" has not only slyly backed out of the wedding using excuse after excuse, but she has been 110% uninterested and uninvolved in my shower and bachelorette party.  Every time I have asked her point blank, she just gives excuse after excuse.  My shower is this weekend and she never RSVPed and texted me the longest excuse ever after I asked her what was going on- she never even gave me a yes or no answer, so I've cut my losses. I don't need to wear myself down by trying to prove myself to someone who couldnt care less.

         

        I would take a step back and look at it from a broader perspective. I bet you she treats other people this way as well. I believe in karma and know these people will regret acting this way to others, but by then it will be too late. It might also be easier for me since she lives in another state.

         

        If I were you, I would give her an opportunity so she can't say you didnt ask her, but just assume that she will have nothing to do with it.  Attend her wedding of course, but I wouldnt go out of my way for her anymore. It's just hurting you more in the end. It is what it is!

         

        Also with your destination wedding, I said the SAME EXACT thing about giving people almost 2 years notice to save.  It doesn't matter in the end, because some people are just not good with money management.  People will go who you never expected, and the people who you thought were definites will back out.  Just a week ago, my two friends who do hair and make-up backed out. Have a backup plan for everything and expect nothing from anyone!  I know that sounds bitter, but it's actually helped me from feeling so hurt when I get next to nothing from all these friends who I've gone out of my way for in the past...

         

        Thanks for the advice I sent the gift and card today so lets see how she handles it.  I'm hoping for the best but prepared for the worst we'll see how this goes.  As for people backing out and dissapointing you i'm prepared for that too like you said plan for everything and expect nothing from anyone.  It just sucks when you thought you had a good friend but turns out they just don't care.  Good luck with the rest of your wedding planning and may everything run smoothly.


        43 guests plus bride and groom.... ;)

         

        Engagement Photos - http://www.bestdesti...y/#entry1827276

         

        Planning Thread - http://www.bestdesti...y/#entry1860630


        #17 Mrs Smith 2 Be

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          Posted 22 July 2013 - 05:33 PM

          Wish you both the best!!

          #18 KK2013

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          Posted 29 July 2013 - 11:31 AM

          Originally Posted by NJBride2014 

          Sorry this might be long.

           

          So I'm kind of on the same boat with an unresponsive friend except it's a friend I've known for almost 29 years.  This friend lets call her "X" I've known since we were born and lived next door to each other.  I'm always the one to go out of my way to see her or make plans and lately its more clear that our friendship is more me making an effort then her.  We both got engaged around the same time and I took her out for her engagement and gave her a gift, for me I didn't even get a card.  Anyway I got over that but when the wedding planning began she started first and I guess I always assumed we would be in each others wedding.  Then she tells me she isn't having a wedding party which is fine I was a little upset but I understood and got over it.  I on the other hand am having a wedding party and would like to have her be a bridesmaid. So every time I would bring up the bridesmaids or my wedding in general she always changed the subject or didn't really seam excited for me.  Whenever she brings up her wedding I'm always supportive and give her my opinion I even went with her to pick out her wedding dress. She ended up going with the dress I loved the most on her.  I'm just so confused about the way she is acting right now with me I would have never thought she would be this way towards my wedding. This past weekend I asked my 3 sisters and anther close friend not "X" to be my bridesmaids with cute gifts and cards and they all said yes and were excited.  I have the card and gift for "X" but have yet to send it to her.  "X" told the mutual friend who said yes to being a bridesmaid that she wasn't sure if she could be my bridesmaid as she doesn't even think she'll go to my wedding.  This was a total surprise to me since I've been talking about a destination wedding for years and will be planning my wedding for almost 2.  My wedding is still over a year away so its plenty of time to save for it.  I guess whats bothering me the most is that when she first started planning her wedding she was thinking of doing it in Hawaii (we are from NJ) and I said to her tell me when and where and I'm there.  I didn't get quite the same reaction when I said we were getting married in Cancun.  I'm pretty sure she is going to say no so I'm not sure if I should even bother asking her to be a bridesmaid and that is upsetting me.  Should I still send her the gift and card and leave it up to her?  I just know how she is especially since her wedding is 2 months away I don't want to put more on her plate right now but I need to know how many girls I'm going to have so we can ask the groomsmen.  She is notorious for changing the subject and ignoring things so I figured if I ask and she ignores me that's my answer and I will probably have to confront her about and reevaluate our relationship.  I just don't want it to get to that point I thought this would be the easy part.   


          I am going through a similar experience as well.  I would say choose the groomsman based on who you want in the wedding and don't worry about having even numbers.  We had even numbers and we are about 4 months away and one of my girls has already planted the seed that she is going to be backing out...mind you, I already bought and gave her the bridesmaid dress!  I was prepared for people saying no because it's too expensive.  What I was not prepared for was people saying yes and backing out after.  It totally stinks, and I'm much more emotional than I expected, but I keep trying to focus on all the people who are coming.  Good luck, and I hope she says yes. :)



          #19 Mrs Smith 2 Be

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            Posted 29 July 2013 - 05:04 PM

            Right now we have 3 bridesmaids, 2 groomsmen.  I am so afraid that my one bridesmaid will back out.  Not that she will want to but they just moved & have so much going on :(  It's hard to get solid commitments from anyone!



            #20 MrsTobeD

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              Posted 05 August 2013 - 10:18 AM

              I would never leave my 3 months old at home to go to a wedding, let along a 6 weeks old.  I  understand that you have always been there for her and she not so much for you, so why ask her to be your bridesmaid to start with? I imagine a bridesmaid is someone you can rely on and that would be there for you through your entire wedding planning. 

               






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