I am having a Mother in Law to be is wearing white on my wedding day problem, except the issue is lot more complicated that just that. My mother in law to be has breast cancer and is undergoing necessary treatment so has, and I hate to say it, the trump card.
I will start at the beginning of this saga. I got engaged a year ago, our wedding is in 5 weeks. Mother in law to be diagnosed in March this year, thankfully the cancer is very treatable and only stage 2, a full recovery is expected.
Anyway, well before Xmas, and therefore well before she was diagnosed she knew that I did in fact want my own mother to wear white and she has reminded me of this herself, only a day before she bought her own dress: "You want your mum to wear white, yes?" "Yes, I do, but it is up to her at the end of the day and she hasnâ€™t had a chance to buy anything just yet".
However, my mother works full time and has not had a chance to buy anything yet. Mother in law to be, is now fully retired as of March this year, but was working part time up until she was diagnosed.
So, three weeks ago, Mother in law to be and Father in law to be go off on a little break in between chemo treatment to give her some respite and clean air as she is not feeling great from the treatment, understandably. They go shopping to look for a dress as she is â€œrunning out of time to look for anythingâ€ and they find two: one cream with a pattern all over it (not ideal, but ok) and one white (sorry, ivory cream to them) with a small black side panel and a matching white blazer with black piping (not ok), pretty much entirely white and looks like something you could wear to a registry office wedding as a bride yourself if you should so wish.
They send images of both dresses to me and husband to be; I say I prefer the first. My Husband to be flat out says no to the second, white (ivory cream) one as its bad etiquette and you shouldnâ€™t wear white to a wedding unless you are a bride or the bride has said its ok to do so. They ignore this message entirely, and buy the second one. WHAT!? Husband to be tells them to return it. They say they can't, they don't know what the problem is and that the girls in the shop thought it was a great idea that she wears white...of course they did, itâ€™s apparently Chanel and they are no doubt making a hefty profit from commission from the sale!!!!! I am not happy, naturally, but how can I tell a woman with cancer to stop being so unreasonable?!
Unfortunately, even when not diagnosed with cancer, Mother in law to be is extremely nervy and neurotic and to be honest thinks the world is against her all the time, so would have taken umbridge to the objection we have made anyway, I believe. But in this scenario, as there is cancer involved and she apparently "feels comfortable" in this dress she has now bought, and doesnâ€™t feel she will have time to get an alternative as she is up and down with her treatment, she can't get another dress and is wearing it.
***My nerves are now rising, and my lack of being a bridezilla through the whole wedding planning process is about to go out the window!***
Both she and father in law to be claim they had no idea such a rule existed where people arenâ€™t meant to white to someone else wedding, which I donâ€™t necessarily believe. Even brother in law to be gets involved and tells them a white dress on anyone other than the bride unless stated, is a massive no-no, but he is met with nothing more than a telling off similar to the one given to my husband to be. Delightful!
Husband to be went round to visit his parents last weekend, and asked to see the dress; an entire tirade of hysteria broke out from mother in law to be, whereby she was sobbing uncontrollably, whaling on the floor apparently etc. etc. but would not show him the dress. Instead, just said it is 'ivory cream' as a justification that it isn't 'white'. Sorry but it is on the white spectrum, yes?!
He is completely caught in the middle as his wife to be, me, is livid that someone other than me is wearing white (sorry ivory cream) as it is my one pet hate at a wedding. Incidentally, my dress is ivory (does that mean it also isn't white?). Add to the fact that his mother has cancer and has found a dress she â€œfeels comfortable inâ€ and this is an unfair and messy scenario. I appreciate her predicament, I have only just lost my beloved grandfather to cancer, but this is the one time I intend to get married and therefore the one time I will wear the white dress, not to mention a dress made by my own Mum! Whatâ€™s more, she knew I wanted my Mum to wear white long before she was diagnosed, which wonâ€™t be an option now, as my Mum wonâ€™t want to match. It makes the whole thing really awkward and horrible. I am really not having a lot of sympathy for my mother in law to be as she was told not to buy it when she sent a picture, and knew in the first place my desire for my own mother to wear white.
Quite frankly I have no intention to see her before the actual day as I am so angry about this situation and scared I will either say something and upset her 9not a lot would take it happen anyway), or I would have to hold my tongue entirely and say nothing to keep her quiet and therefore have my own wants shattered.
I havenâ€™t actually told my own mum the news yet, as I am dreading doing so. She has done so much for our wedding. The reception is at her house, she has organised the food, drink and is getting the garden in order, all whilst running a business and making me the most important dress of my life. This latter fact will be her biggest gripe over the whole â€œmother in law wearing whiteâ€ thing I know, but equally my mother is very compassionate and will appreciate Mother in law to beâ€™s predicament. I know she will take my side though and still be annoyed at the apparent lack of understanding from my point. Mother in law to be is not a nasty person I might add, she is indeed very kind, but this really is mindless and fault also lies with father in law to be as he sent the images of her in the dress and received the message also telling them not to buy it. Not to mention the earful he dished out at the objection to the decision.
I look like a complete bitch because I think she should change her dress, but she wonâ€™t because of the problems above. Even if she didn't have cancer, it would be insanely difficult to broach the subject as she is so paranoid about everything and would think I was having a dig at her. It would create so much drama that I may as well forgo what I would like just to appease her.
Is this fair though? She isn't dying as her cancer is treatable rather than terminal (or as far as I am aware), but she is suffering, I appreciate that. However, she has 5 weeks and that is the only thing she needs to get sorted, nothing else but her treatment makes her too up and down to be able to go shopping.
How do I deal with this without creating world war three?