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Timing Question: Do you ask your bridesmaids (to be your BMs) before or after sending STDs?


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#1 anna2912

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    Posted 06 September 2010 - 09:33 AM

    I'm not sure if someone already has a thread on htis, but I couldn't find one.  I'm wondering if I ask the girls to be my bridesmaids before I send the STDs or after?  I don't want them to get it in the mail and call me, I want to be the one to ask/approach them... 

    Also, I don't know if one of my girls is even going to be able to afford to come...  How do I ask her without making her feel bad.  I'm not sure if I want to ask if I know she can't come - she might feel obligated (but of course flattered that I asked I'm sure...). 

    help! thanks.



    #2 niajs

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      Posted 07 September 2010 - 01:02 AM

      I am having 2, my sister who I knew would come and we have always said that we'd be each other's BM, and my oldest school friend. I'd mentioned to her that we wanted to get married in Australia even before we got engaged and she'd always said she wanted to come, but I wasn't sure when the time came to it.

       

      I wanted to wait for her to RSVP to my STD (just an informal RSVP to give us an idea of numbers) but I happened to meet up with her for a few glasses of wine before she'd sent it back, but she told me that they would be coming, so I asked her then. I have told her, however, not to worry about offending me if it turns out that they won't be able to make it. I'm not planning on buying her dress etc until she's booked her flights.



      #3 anna2912

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        Posted 07 September 2010 - 10:45 AM

        Thanks for your reply!  I guess there's really no set way of doing it. So as far as your STD went, did you do an evite?  I was thinking of doing something like that to get an idea of numbers...  Especially if we are limited regarding guest count for some private villas. And if I send out a regular STD with "formal invitation to follow" then no one will reply...  Either way, I guess I should just try to wait until they say something about the STD? Or I can call them after I know they got it and talk to them. Like you said, I would definitely tell them not to worry if they couldn't make it...  Thanks!! Australia, wow!  That is going to be awesome!



        #4 niajs

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          Posted 07 September 2010 - 10:50 AM

          We sent out a boarding pass style STD with a tear off RSVP slip. Since joining this forum, it seems that everyone has thought of boarding passes, but I'd never heard of them until I came on here! We really did need a rough idea of numbers as we've booked a room in a hotel which has a minimum of 50 and maximum of 120. We sent out 140 STDs but have no idea if we'll get 20 or 120 replies! For that reason, we told people we wanted a response. We sent them out on 4th August (2 years before the wedding) and gave an RSVP date of 1st November. So far, we've had about 30 responses of the 140. I know people may need time to look into finances etc but I wish they'd just let me know one way or another!

           

          You're right, if you just send out a standard STD, people won't respond, although I guess some of your closest friends and family will tell you when you next speak to them if they're planning on coming.

           

          A phone call to your potential BMs would be nice, say, a week after you think the STD will arrive. That gives them time to look into flight prices etc.



          #5 alundy

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            Posted 18 October 2010 - 08:37 AM

            I asked my girls ahead of time, but in a really open ended way. I basically approached each of them and said "I would like to unofficially ask you to be in my wedding, I don't want to put pressure on you to go if you're unable to but I definitely want you to be a part of all the at-home stuff like dress shopping and everything". I know my close friends definitely want to be there but there are a couple who may not make it due to either being really pregnant when the time comes, or finances. So I told them we will finalize things later once they know whether they can come.



            #6 karyan

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              Posted 20 October 2010 - 03:44 AM



              Originally Posted by alundy 

              I asked my girls ahead of time, but in a really open ended way. I basically approached each of them and said "I would like to unofficially ask you to be in my wedding, I don't want to put pressure on you to go if you're unable to but I definitely want you to be a part of all the at-home stuff like dress shopping and everything". I know my close friends definitely want to be there but there are a couple who may not make it due to either being really pregnant when the time comes, or finances. So I told them we will finalize things later once they know whether they can come.

               

              This is very close to what I did. I asked my potential bridesmaids (3) if they were intending to come to the DW, and they each said "yes". After I found that out, I then I asked formally for them to be my bridesmaids. I found that this was the easiest thing to do as I didn't want to obligate anyone if they don't intend to go.
               



              #7 Dominican Ally

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                Posted 21 January 2012 - 02:16 PM

                I did the same - asked them beforehand, but in a really flexible way. I made it clear that I didn't expect that they would be able to come down south, and would not be upset at all if they couldn't. I just wanted to make it clear to them, that should they be able to come, they are obviously my first choice as BMs


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                #8 cherany

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                  Posted 27 April 2012 - 07:35 AM

                  I asked before, but I explained that we would be very understanding of anyone unable to attend the wedding, and told them there was no pressure to give me an answer for a while.  Three out of four said they wouldn't miss it for anything, and the 4th has legitimate reasons for needing to give me an answer a few months down the road, which is no problem for me.

                   

                  I'm sending STDs in a few days, which all our guests know are pressure-free badges of info, nothing more. Everyone who is invited knows about the wedding already; we just want them to have something to put on the fridge to remind them of the date and location and keep them saving those pennies for when the time comes. 



                  #9 AmberDragon

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                  Posted 29 April 2012 - 02:39 PM

                  I'm struggling with this as well.  I really want to ask my friend to be my MOH, but she already stated that she might not be able to go.  I told her about our plans for the dw without mentioning I want her in my wedding. I don't want to ask her then she feels obligated to find a way to go.  That's just too much stress.  I'm trying to be patient for a couple more  months before asking anyone to be a bm since I'm waiting to see what she will do.  It's driving me crazy.  



                  #10 cindy2013

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                  Posted 02 May 2012 - 06:04 AM

                  We asked everyone in our wedding party about a week after being engaged, and I let everyone know that we wouldnt be offended at all if they could not make it...They were all very excited and there were no issues, so we didn't have to worry about anything.  It's hard though, because it is asking a lot out of someone.  Very tricky thing with DW, good luck ladies!


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