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Anxiety about moving in with in-laws


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#1 McToasty

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    Posted 13 May 2010 - 09:19 AM

    Hey girls,

    I've read tons of threads on monstrous in-laws, so i feel bad about posting here, but i really want your advice, so decided to go with it.

    This is the situation:
    Future FIL gave me and FI a house to live in. It's in the suburbs, so it takes FI 2 hours to commute to work, not to mention 2 separate transit fares each way. We've lived here since September, and his friend also moved in with us because his rent downtown was too expensive.
    We are getting married in August. FIL should retire, because his job is physically demanding. To make this easier, FI and I agreed to move back home in September to help with the bills.

    I have no problems living with them, as they are wonderful people and sometimes treat me even better than my own parents :P It will just be a huge change for me because i'm used to living with just my mom in a 3-bedroom condo with 2 washrooms. There was a lot of extra space to wander around in, and my mom was also out most of the day, so I got a TON of personal space. FI's family house is dt, so naturally, there is less room. Because they are worried about break-in's, they keep their curtains drawn all the time, making the narrow spaces even darker and more claustrophobic. I looooove sunlight. FI is Indian, and they have a very close-knit extended family, so people are always coming in and out of the house. FI says I can always go to to bedroom, but that makes me feel like i'm in high school again, where the only place to be alone was your bedroom.

    I know that it's the best for everyone, and it's the right thing to do. God knows how much his parents have sacrificed to raise him and his brother. I'm just a little anxious about my mental sanity. I really prize my alone time and love being quiet, or just chilling with friends. I don't want to be ungrateful to them, because they treat me so well, and in no way do I want to be rude or disrespectful. But.. sometimes it just gets tiring, y'know? I'm also a little sad because his friend is moving out end of August, which is basically when we move downtown. So that leaves us hardly any time alone as newly-weds.

    Do you guys have any advice on living in close quarters with in-laws and maintaining your sanity as well as private time with hubby? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks guys!

    #2 Thomasjsgirl

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      Posted 13 May 2010 - 09:57 AM

      Since your FILs have two houses, why not ask them to consider selling both to buy something slightly larger with better space separation so you're not on top of each other all the time? Consider also moving to a better neighbourhood where they won't feel it necessary to keep the drapes closed 24/7 for fear of break-ins. It sounds like they are reasonable people with kind hearts who would understand your concerns, and especially if you and hubby approach them as a united front and present this as your joint idea, they may be even more receptive. Good luck!
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      #3 jealousy88

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        Posted 15 May 2010 - 03:10 PM

        After I got pregnant, FI and I moved in with my parents and it was really hard, and I can't even imagine how hard it was for him. But, the one thing that you can do is start to spoil yourself more with massages, spa days, Girls nights out, and other things that you love to do. Get some alone time, out of the house and away from everyone, and do not feel guilty about it for one second. The only way you can make a situation like that one work is to make sure you needs are being met first and foremost, and then your DH's needs, and then your FIL. Hope this helps, don't worry it will be ok.
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        #4 msglave

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          Posted 15 May 2010 - 04:33 PM

          I think you are entitled to feel this way, but need to find a way to let your FI know how you feel.
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          #5 **~Linda~**

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            Posted 15 May 2010 - 07:15 PM

            Oh hun I completely feel you on this matter. I also have amazing IL's so I completely understand your position on this. :) Im about to make a huge move from my country to live in NY with my IL's and my husband to try and save a few more $$ so we are able to buy our perfect home. My IL's house is a tiny tudor 2 br - 1.5 ba home with a full finished basement(my current apartment is 3br-2ba and just tons of space). Im completely stressing because well:

            1) I havent lived with parents for the past 16yrs
            2) We would be 5 in the household(FIL, MIL, DH, myself and my 7yr old)
            3) The basement room has no privacy at all its open space. The laundry room and the gym are right behind. Problem is my MIL and FIL walk in their house as they please... I mean after all it is THEIR house they can do what they want and their favorite places are in the basement!
            4) My MIL can sometimes be over bearing.. She is suuuper sweet and i <3 her to pieces but a lot of times, she doesn't mean to trust me, she kinda butts into some private issues to put in her 2 cents..

            Ive already sat down and talked to my future MIL about a few issues that were really bothering me and just tried to smooth things out with her as much as I can. We are paying xoxox amount to help with bills etc, obviously not as much as real rent but still trying to help out. Even though it is a huge favor that they are doing for us it is important to be able to spend some time with my husband without fearing the IL's coming down the stairs or invading our private space. I think honestly maybe sit down with your FI and with your future IL's about maybe setting some "privacy" boundaries etc to kinda make you feel a bit more at ease about the transition. Hope this helps :) Good luck!

            #6 AishaB

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              Posted 16 May 2010 - 08:03 AM

              I agree with Linda, although a new and tough situation, the best move right now maybe to speak to your FI about how you are feeling and then the both of you can go and speak to your FIL's about any issues that you think need to be discussed, so that way boundaries and rules of the house are known by both sides even before you guys move in. I think it will make things easier and run more smoothly in the long run.


              Good luck!
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