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Kind of "disappointed and offended" by FMIL's response


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#11 Vikki

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    Posted 14 May 2009 - 12:47 PM

    See - this is why I posted. You guys have great things to consider.

    Actually - I'm not offended by the comments about it being inappropriate to ask them to host an AHR-I didn't know the rules around the whole thing and just assumed it was normal for someone else to do it because of the way my Mom approached it. It hadn't even occured to me that I shouldn't ask. With our not being local I just wouldn't have known where to start.... Guess I ought to brush up on the rules for who does what. We have not asked for (or received) any kind of assistance with the wedding from his family-which is o.k.

    To B's credit I think he's learning how to be comfortable with who he is coming from a situation where he has been constantly put down. I did give him an "I message" last night and explain to him that when he says those things I form opinions and feelings with that in mind. I don't think he realized what he was saying was sticking with me the way it was and I'm going to try to keep an open mind and he's going to work on finding some positive ways to describe his family and promote our relationship with his family.

    Like I mentioned, my parents think I'm being overly sensitive about the whole thing and I know I kind of am too-but sometimes those gut reactions can't be helped.

    I do think that his mom could have been a little less vauge in her response, the tone just didn't sit right with me. Having had interactions with her before and hearing B's side of many phone conversations I just didn't get a positive feeling about it-even though it was very nice. She seems to have no problem giving B reasons for specific decisions she makes about things regarding us. I will absolutely respect her wishes about not wanting to put on anything and won't go around that to plan my own. Looking at the responses I shouldn't have even asked her in the first place but since I can't undo that maybe I'll just ask if we can bring some of our pictures or something to show if it is appropriate.

    Thanks for the advice and setting me straight on the "rules" lol.

    I'll update after I've had a chance to communicate with her (I should probably call instead of email).

    #12 JulieG

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      Posted 14 May 2009 - 01:10 PM

      I agree with Amarillis (sorry I don't know your name), but she hit the nail on the head, there is some serious issues here with your FI and the things he tells you and that fact that he tells you these things (if they are true). It seems to me like he does not want you to like his family and is not giving any of you a chance. I find that really odd.

      I also agree with the other girls who said you should not have asked someone to host your AHR, if they offer that is one thing, but its a party for you, that you want to have, so therefor you should host it. Its great that your parents are having one for you, but that is not common, usually the bride and groom are the hosts.

      I really don't think you should be offended at all by her saying no. In fact I think your FMIL has more reason to be offended than you do. Sorry to say.

      #13 Amarillis

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        Posted 14 May 2009 - 01:18 PM

        Quote:
        Originally Posted by JulieG
        I agree with Amarillis (sorry I don't know your name), .
        Amy.


        Quote:
        Originally Posted by JulieG

        I also agree with the other girls who said you should not have asked someone to host your AHR, if they offer that is one thing, but its a party for you, that you want to have, so therefor you should host it. Its great that your parents are having one for you, but that is not common, usually the bride and groom are the hosts.
        I agree with Julie and the other girls... on the AHR...

        #14 JulieG

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          Posted 14 May 2009 - 01:29 PM

          I am glad to hear that you stood up for yourself with your FI, you need to keep doing that because its not fair to you at all.

          I really hope things get better with your FIL's, I suggest calling them, on your own once in a while and going to visit them for sure. I really don't think they can hate you or be totally opposed to your marriage or they would not be coming to Jamaica for your wedding. Its hard to communicate over email and you may have sensed that she was being mean when she was really just trying to explain why they are not going to host an AHR. Its happened to all of us where people "sense tone" where there is no tone at all :)

          #15 DanielleNDerek

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            Posted 14 May 2009 - 01:34 PM

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by Vikki
            See - this is why I posted. You guys have great things to consider.

            Actually - I'm not offended by the comments about it being inappropriate to ask them to host an AHR-I didn't know the rules around the whole thing and just assumed it was normal for someone else to do it because of the way my Mom approached it. It hadn't even occured to me that I shouldn't ask. With our not being local I just wouldn't have known where to start.... Guess I ought to brush up on the rules for who does what. We have not asked for (or received) any kind of assistance with the wedding from his family-which is o.k. You'll find in the planning process that some people that you really thought would step up and help - dont. It happens often. You just need to move on and you'll learn you can count on for help.

            To B's credit I think he's learning how to be comfortable with who he is coming from a situation where he has been constantly put down. I did give him an "I message" last night and explain to him that when he says those things I form opinions and feelings with that in mind. I don't think he realized what he was saying was sticking with me the way it was and I'm going to try to keep an open mind and he's going to work on finding some positive ways to describe his family and promote our relationship with his family. You should just try to start over and clear your thoughts of any prior opinions you may of formed. Try to get to know his family better and maybe you'll see that your fi isnt totally right about them.
            Like I mentioned, my parents think I'm being overly sensitive about the whole thing and I know I kind of am too-but sometimes those gut reactions can't be helped.

            I do think that his mom could have been a little less vauge in her response, the tone just didn't sit right with me. Having had interactions with her before and hearing B's side of many phone conversations I just didn't get a positive feeling about it-even though it was very nice. She seems to have no problem giving B reasons for specific decisions she makes about things regarding us. I will absolutely respect her wishes about not wanting to put on anything and won't go around that to plan my own. Looking at the responses I shouldn't have even asked her in the first place but since I can't undo that maybe I'll just ask if we can bring some of our pictures or something to show if it is appropriate. Honestly since you already have bad thoughts about his mom you probably just read her message and took it badly. when i read it i didnt see a bad tone at all. Maybe if you re-read it now it wont seem bad like you thought. I do that read something and am like "oh no she didnt" and than a few minutes later after i calm down i reread it and am like "oh that wasnt that bad why did i get so pissed". And i'm sure all of his family would love to see your pics once you get back and hear all about it
            Thanks for the advice and setting me straight on the "rules" lol.

            I'll update after I've had a chance to communicate with her (I should probably call instead of email).
            yea let us know how you make out
            ***Married November 6, 2008***Gavin Born February 28th, 2010***
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            #16 foxytv

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              Posted 14 May 2009 - 01:40 PM

              PS - Don't "ask" if you can bring wedding pics and show them if appropriate. Just BRING the wedding pics and show them!!!! :-)

              #17 Vikki

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                Posted 14 May 2009 - 02:01 PM

                So this is what I'm going to email her-now that I'm feeling really dumb about the whole thing. I should have known it wasn't appropriate to ask. Thanks for the advice.

                After I emailed that question to you I realized it was completely inappropriate to ask someone to host a reception for me. I really did not think the request through and I want to apologize for putting you in that position. I don't want you and Calvin to feel obligated to do anything more than you already are. We are happy you are able to join us in Jamaica and appreciate your support. As we get closer to the holidays we will look into the details of coming for Christmas and make arrangements that will fit you schedules.

                Hopefully you can make it out here in July to spend some time with Mom and I getting things ready. (And Brandon of course!).

                Thanks,

                Vikki


                #18 DanielleNDerek

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                  Posted 14 May 2009 - 02:03 PM

                  Very good email. I really think she will appreciate it.
                  ***Married November 6, 2008***Gavin Born February 28th, 2010***
                  Paradisus Palma Real Wedding Review
                  Our Professional Wedding Pictures on Snapfish

                  #19 boscobel

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                    Posted 14 May 2009 - 02:09 PM

                    Cool, great email!

                    #20 jajajaja

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                      Posted 14 May 2009 - 02:18 PM

                      I'm glad this all got resolved, but if I were you, I would really force the issue of FI to stop setting you and his mom up to have a negative relationship. If he's telling you that she likes the ex better, how the hell are you suppose to start your relationship with her on a good foot? How are you suppose to respond to something like that? If DH told me that his mom liked his ex better, my response would be "well F her then" and never try to form a relationship. IT's just hurtful so why even bother!

                      I think your email was very nice and I'm sure she will appreciate your efforts. Hopefully this can open the door up for the two of you having more effective communication without FI as the buffer (since he's really doing a poor job of it!!)
                      Happily married since 2008




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