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A mother of a conundrum (rant and a cry for help)

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#11 tvt

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    Posted 26 July 2008 - 11:58 AM

    Originally Posted by becks
    To me, it sounds like you'd rather not have her there. If that's really the case, tell her that. It can be done nicely, but it needs to be done.

    Tell her straight out that her comments and advice, while well intentioned are negative and hurtful and you don't want to hear anything negative in the days preceeding or following your wedding. Also tell her that her behavior after she's had a few is abrasive and confrontational, and that you are concerned that at an all inclusive resort, she's going to be tempted and do something to embarass herself in front of your guests.

    Are there others (siblings, your dad, aunts, uncles, etc - NOT YOUR FI) that you can enlist to help deliver the weight of this message? That may also make the message more meaningful. Worst case, even if she does come, maybe she'll think twice about things and stick with sodas...

    I wish you the best of luck and will keep my fingers crossed for you!!
    I totally agree with Becks. And I can totally understand how you would feel relieved that she was not coming. Your wedding day is about YOU and your happyness, and no one should be saying anything even remotely mean to you on your wedding!

    Best of luck, let us know how things progress.

    #12 Tara

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    • 473 posts

      Posted 27 July 2008 - 12:21 AM

      Thanks for all the positive support ladies!

      I'm very concerned that she's going to be going. However, my aunt is going as well and I am sure that I can enlist her to babysit her sister while they are there. I hadn't even thought about appointing someone to watch over her. I guess I am still stuck in the mindset that she is my responsibility.

      She's talking about cashing in an old life insurance policy that my dad's family got for her when they were still married. Lucky me.

      I really don't want everyone to get the wrong idea. My mom is a wonderful, caring person when she is sober. Unfortunately, those times are few and far between.

      But I really appreciate everyone telling me that I need to look out for me and not feel responsible for her.

      Fi and her used to get along, but when we got engaged (Christmas Eve 2006) she went around telling my whole family that the ring that he worked two years to save up to purchase was a fake. How rude! Poor fi was so concerned that everyone was going to believe her nonsense that the following week he brought all the paperwork for the ring to our New Year's festivities. I was absolutely ashamed of her. My dad hasn't talked to her since and for divorced parents that always got along.

      The whole thing has been my own little nightmare, but I really appreciate everyone's kind thoughts and advice! I'll keep you all posted!

      #13 jean-marcus

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        Posted 27 July 2008 - 03:13 PM

        holy moly... this does sound like a conundrum... its not like you really cant ask her NOT to come and if she does come its not like you can raelly control her. i guess the only thing you can do is to pick a moment where you can talk to her and she is sober and explain your concerns. maybe she gets pissed and decideds to not come just to spite you and then that problem is solved, or maybe she will realize your concern and really try and control herself while she is there, or maybe she will make you a cake after realizing all you have done for her... IN WHICH CASE im coming over cause i love cake...

        there really isnt an easy way around this situation but i hope it all works out and that your wedding is WONDERFUL :)

        one thing though to think about is that all those experiences you had to go through in life has most likely made you the person you are today and made you that much stronger of a person :)

        #14 Emily&Matt

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          Posted 28 July 2008 - 01:39 PM

          Maybe she won't come. But if she does, why can't you be honest with her and tell her not to be critical of anything you do and say because if she does you will ask her to leave. If she can come and be respectful and decent, then she is welcome. If she gets out of line, you will ask someone to escort her to her room before she ruins everyone's day. And really, if her sister will take the responsibility to watch her, that would be great.

          #15 DanielleNDerek

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            Posted 28 July 2008 - 01:57 PM

            I'm sorry that you have to worry about this. Im glad her sister can watch over her. But i still think that you should talk to her. Maybe just let her know that you would really appreciate if she didn't drink while she was there. Let her know that it is your wedding and you want her to be there for you but you want your day to go perfectly, you don't want to have to worry about her.
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            #16 Tara

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              Posted 26 September 2008 - 12:51 AM

              Alright here's an update on my previous mama drama...

              We've made a decision about my mother. I kept quiet for about a month festering in my own anxiety about how I should feel about my mom not going to our wedding. Then Hiram and I were at Bob Evans one night having chicken and noodles and I knew he could tell I was bummed. We weren't saying much during our meal and he says, "will you regret your mom not being at our wedding?"

              The question caught me complete off guard and I answered without thinking and said, "yes." So he proceeds to tell me that he understands why I have concerns about my mom going to the wedding but that he thinks that I will regret it forever if she isn't there and he really thinks that I should encourage her to go.

              I was shocked to hear him say it knowing his own feelings towards her, but my immediate response was that even if I do want her to go she doesn't have the funds available and would be too stubborn to say that she wants to go anyway. He proceeds to tell me that he earmarked enough of our savings to pay for her to go and knowing how she acts he said I should just call and tell her she's going and not give her an option.

              And I did. And she said "fantastic!"

              So Mom is going! She's actually very excited about it now and I've talked it over with her sister who she will be traveling with and my aunt promised me that she will make sure that my mom will not cause any raucous at our wedding! I'm very relieved now that I know that both my parents and Hiram's parents will be going to the wedding. I can't lie, a part of me is still very worried about how she will behave after a few too many drinks, but I know now that there will be friends and family there who will keep her in check so that I can enjoy myself.

              Now we have six months to go and everything is starting to settle into place. :) Thanks everyone for your support when I was ranting a couple months ago. It's very comforting to get those things off my chest to a group of people who I know won't criticize me for having normal emotions. You are all so great! Thank you!

              #17 2bebridejamaica

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                Posted 26 September 2008 - 08:48 AM

                Oh dear, I know the pain in this... my mother 2 has her problems with the booze and she was diagnosed 5 yrs ago with being Bipolar. With that being said .. I finally had to call it quits with my mother a while back. I wasn't going to called the "black sheep" anymore and I wasn't going to stand for the way she treated me my whole life. I have older(10 yr older) half siblings, so all along my mother was sorta done with the parenting of me. I seriously got the short end of the stick and pushed my way through it all to be NOTHING like what she said I would end up. Needless to say after my son was born things changed and I thought that she was actually going to treat me like a person for once.. YA didn't happen. So I ended it after crying and deciding what was right for my son and me. That was 3 yrs ago. Fast forward to today, my son still brings up Mimi and wonders things about her... he remembers her. But has she even sent a card or anything... no. So when we got engaged.. we never told her.. I know she knows, and I know she knows our wedding is right around the corner. It hurts because she is my mom... but I can't deal with the BS that I know will come along with her if we let her back in. She's my mom for gawds sake and she isn't even going to be at my wedding..

                It's one hefty decision to put on a girl... so I know.

                Sorry I hijacked your thread for my own venting... totally didn't mean too ... It just typed it self...

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