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My FI says "he is feeling trapped"...


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#101 Dez921714

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    Posted 04 July 2008 - 06:24 PM

    So far it's a bit of a nightmare...dogs want to eat the cat!

    On the bright side, FI wasn't home when I got there. So I was able to pack up some of my clothes, the dogs, the crate, their food and my wireless router (LOL) and come here.

    My dad is afraid of the dogs (mostly Vera) so I promised they'd stay downstairs...well, Daisy is afraid of the basement, I don't know why, it's a finished basement, but maybe the steps are too steep for her. Anyway, I couldn't bribe her to go down them, so I set her crate up in my moms office (it's gonna smell like cedar chips and dog LOL) and put Vera and her pillow downstairs. I plan to take them for a long walk a little later.

    I did get a text message from FI asking how my dad is. (bad infection in his tooth, mom took him to the hospital yesterday) and I responded with "fine" I don't know if he's home yet or not.

    While all of this is going on, I have a friend texting me asking me wedding/resort related questions...I answered the questions and I wanted to be like "don't book just yet" but I didn't.
    http://ticker.7910.o....25vdCBpbiA.gif27 Confirmed with Plane Tickets...5 with rooms booked!

    150 INVITES / 6 YES / 13 NO

    #102 NewOrleansbride

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      Posted 04 July 2008 - 06:29 PM

      I think you should call FI and let him know that you've decided to move some stuff into your parents for a short time. He's probably going to be upset, but I think he may feel totally abandoned if he arrives home to an empty house.
      -Rachel

      #103 Martha

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        Posted 04 July 2008 - 06:30 PM

        So he doesn't know you are staying there? Or does he?

        Poor pups! It will take some adjusting....maybe Daisy will go down soon...does she have to stay in her kennel the whole time?

        #104 Kat81

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          Posted 04 July 2008 - 06:31 PM

          I agree. I think you two really need to talk now that you are both calmed down some. You need to decide where this is all going and what steps need to be taken to get it there. If you have friends and family still booking this trip to your wedding. You both need to decide if there is even a chance this wedding is still going to happen. Try to stay strong and remember you have like 500 girls on here for support.

          #105 Dez921714

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            Posted 04 July 2008 - 06:39 PM

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by Kat81
            I agree. I think you two really need to talk now that you are both calmed down some. You need to decide where this is all going and what steps need to be taken to get it there. If you have friends and family still booking this trip to your wedding. You both need to decide if there is even a chance this wedding is still going to happen. Try to stay strong and remember you have like 500 girls on here for support.
            LOL 500 girls for support :) I love it.

            My mom told me to change the locks, but I thought it would have more of an affect on him if he came home to an empty house.

            When we fight and he leaves, I'm usually the one to call him and ask him to come home or make nice. I'm gonna chill for a day or two adn see if I hear from him.

            My mom thinks she saw the car drive by, but that could just be her looking for it...

            I'll definately keep you updated, thanks for all the support!!!!
            http://ticker.7910.o....25vdCBpbiA.gif27 Confirmed with Plane Tickets...5 with rooms booked!

            150 INVITES / 6 YES / 13 NO

            #106 Kat81

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              Posted 04 July 2008 - 06:41 PM

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by Dez921714
              LOL 500 girls for support :) I love it.

              My mom told me to change the locks, but I thought it would have more of an affect on him if he came home to an empty house.

              When we fight and he leaves, I'm usually the one to call him and ask him to come home or make nice. I'm gonna chill for a day or two adn see if I hear from him.

              My mom thinks she saw the car drive by, but that could just be her looking for it...

              I'll definately keep you updated, thanks for all the support!!!!
              Good plan! And give those baby girls of yours some extra love from me!

              #107 EricaG

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                Posted 04 July 2008 - 10:38 PM

                I'm sorry that you are going through this. At least you were able to go to your parents place to relax and think things through.

                Honestly, after tonight, I may be going to my parents for a bit too. But that is a different story. As some people have commented, running away from the problem and the situation is not going to help, but sometimes you need to remove your self from the situation for a bit to calm down and think things through before you can sit down ans have a good, honest and effective conversation. That actually came from a counselor who also teaches anger management. I think you have tried to make things work with him, and obviously you both need a little time to think, and now is the time.

                Good luck and hope things work out for the best, whatever it is you decide.
                http://i141.photobuc....DSC_0038-1.jpghttp://i141.photobuc....DSC_0463-1.jpg
                My wedding review of the Grand Palladium Palace, Punta Cana, Dominican Republic
                http://bestdestinati...om/forum/t35125

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                #108 kevsgirl

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                  Posted 04 July 2008 - 11:37 PM

                  I'm so shocked by all that he has done... I just don't know what to make of it.
                  It sounds like a lot of it has to do with his depression/anxiety. I've lived with anxiety most of my life and my sister has lived with depression most of hers. She's been medicated for 15 years or so and me for about 3.

                  I know the feeling of being trapped (not by a partner, but by life), being angry and annoyed all the time, feeling like I'm a victim. A lot of that comes from anxiety. It's not rational, but it feel so real. It comes across really badly to other people who don't understand it.

                  Ultimately though, if he's not going to be responsible for himself and getting the help he needs (therapy and medication obviously), he's not in the right part of his life to be a good partner to you.

                  And he might be hiding in this relationship too afraid to get out, leading to these kinds of outbursts. This is what my ex did (we were engaged). He was too chicken to say he needed out.

                  You can love him all you want, but if it's not working, it's not working. If it's meant to be, he'll sort his crap out and you two will make it work and be happy and have a great time of it. But he sounds like he has a lot of work to do first.
                  I think you two need to have a serious talk about postponing/cancelling the wedding so that you can work on yourselves individually before coming together (if that's what you both want) and working on you as a couple.
                  Having all that in the back of your mind is going to drive you nuts with guilt and it's so bad to be constantly reminded of what's coming up, feeling like you have a dirty secret...

                  My heart really goes out to you. I hope that this is all sorted out quickly and in a way that makes you feel good and like you're doing the right thing for you. :hug:
                  I've been there before and I know how painful it can be. In my case, my ex finally broke and ended it. And I'm forever grateful to him for that. I don't think I ever could have, but it's the best thing that we could have done.
                  I'm not saying that's your end scenario, but I do know how confusing it all can be when serious problems arise, having to do with depression.

                  Take care of yourself and enjoy your time away from FI. Clear your head and start thinking about what you want, not what he is going to feel.

                  We're here for you!
                  Andrea

                  #109 Dez921714

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                    Posted 04 July 2008 - 11:46 PM

                    I just got a phone call from him...I guess he JUST got home and wanted to know where the dogs were. He wanted to make sure they're safe - of course they're safe! Then insinuated that I probably thing they weren't safe there.

                    I just told him that he made it totally clear how he felt about me and them so I figured I'd give him some time apart to figure out what he wants. He was short with me on the phone and made sure I knew he was just called because he was concerned about the dogs, since he got home and there was no dog, no crate, no food. What does he thing, they packed up and went on a fishing trip?! Give me a break!
                    http://ticker.7910.o....25vdCBpbiA.gif27 Confirmed with Plane Tickets...5 with rooms booked!

                    150 INVITES / 6 YES / 13 NO

                    #110 EricaG

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                      Posted 05 July 2008 - 12:09 AM

                      I think you definately need at least a few days apart. He is obviusly still wound up, and he needs time to think things through as well. One piece of advice, try not to talk to him much if at all for the next few days. If you are always talking on the phone with him, then you might as well just be at home with him. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you can't talk to him at all, but just be aware that this is time for you two to do your own thinking and then you can get together and talk things out.
                      One time when I went to the city for the weekend to see a friend, FI and I a big fight before I left and he thought maybe we should take a week to figure things out, but as soon as I went to the city, he was calling non stop. I only took the phone calls in the evening so he could say goodnight to the kids, but really, he said he wanted the time to think, and instead he spent the time calling me. Arrggghhh! MEN!
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                      My wedding review of the Grand Palladium Palace, Punta Cana, Dominican Republic
                      http://bestdestinati...om/forum/t35125

                      Our Professional Wedding and TTD Pictures by Photo Souvenirhttp:...




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