Help Need Advice

KLS1982 · June 18, 2008

So we decided to get legally married in the states to avoid having to do all the bloodwork/xray/ceremony in spanish etc etc. We decided awhile back to just do it very discreetly because we want our beach ceremony when were in front of our guests to really feel like that is when we are officially married, even though legally we will have already done it in the states. We even decided that we were just going to have one or two friends come as witnesses and thats it and not even really celebrate it...just making it like getting the legal part done and saving the good stuff for Mexico.

WELL... FI's parents live in Vegas as well, and over the weekend they told us they wanted to do a little party for us at this very small restaurant b.c they are friends with the owner and we would do a small cake etc. At first I was like okay, that sounds good, only because i didn't want to spoil the moment and we were at the restaurant in front of the owner.

Thinking about it later, it didn't feel right to go back on what we had originally planned on since my family (dad, mom, sister) won't be there. I mentioned it to my sister (she is older, 42) and she was very upset about it and said she would be hurt if that happened and she knew my dad and mom would be equally upset.

Both sets of parents actually both mentioned when we first told them that we were going to get legally married here, kind of had the feeling of "so were spending ALL this money and comign ALL this way, for you guys to not actually be legally married there..." they basically felt we were just going down to party...eventually both sets warmed up to the idea and felt it was a better choice.

NOW, FI's mom is "very upset" as my FI told her today that we didnt feel right doing it since my family wouldn't be there, and my FI, being his usual vague self when it comes to something like this, just said she didnt say much but that she was very upset, and from what i gathered, pissed as well.

I am wondering if I am just flat out wrong about this? I am my parents only child, and this is extremely special to them, obviously every parent is, but FI has a brother and sister as well and they will get to witness their marriages as well. I can't just lie to my parents that we never did it, and I can't just blow it off and not mention it becasue someone will end up slipping, and then every still get hurt.

Any thoughts?!

Dez921714 · June 18, 2008

hmmmm..I'd say, if you MUST get married in the states then keep is hush hush. Tell FMIL that you've changed your mind and will just do the legal stuff in Mexico...how will they know you didn't. ONLY have one or two friends that you can trust come with you. And as far as everyone else knows, you're getting married in Mexico, not the states.

I agree that it's completely not fair for one family to be there and the other family not even have the option.

The only other solutioin would be to actually do the legal stuff in Mexico (if you don't want to lie to people).

Sorry if I'm not being much help.

Good luck! Keep us posted!!!!

Yari · June 18, 2008

Yikes, this is sticky.

I think you did the right thing for sure. I understand that you want your parents there as well. As little deal as we all want to make our legal ceremony, it really is a big deal. I would call your FMIL and tell her that your sorry if you made her upset, but you decided against doing a legal ceremony in the States since you want both set of parents to be there. Then I would get married at a little chapel just you and your FI.

stacey · June 18, 2008

Tell FMIL that you've changed your mind and will just do the legal stuff in Mexico...how will they know you didn't. ONLY have one or two friends that you can trust come with you. And as far as everyone else knows' date=' you're getting married in Mexico, not the states.QUOTE']

I disagree. I am also somewhat in the same boat. Why dont youtell the FMIL that while you appriaciate the thought of doing a dinner and cake, you would rather keep your real (non real...whatever) special. You dont want to spoil what to you feels like the real deal. Maybe it will be easier for her to understand.

KLC77 · June 18, 2008

Hmmm, talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think that depending on your relationship with your FMIL I would call her directly. I would tell her that you don't want to hurt her feelings in anyway, but that you and your FI prefer to save all of the celebrating for Mexico and that also, you don't want to exclude your family members from anything that is meant to celebrate your marriage. Ask her to put herself in your parents shoes and she would probably understand- I doubt she would be happy if your parents got to celebrate with you and FI and she wasn't able to attend. Talking to her yourself will give you a better idea of how she's feeling since your FI sounds like mine and doesn't give enough detail about stuff like that. I would probably apologize for agreeing, but say that as much as you appreciate the offer and think it would be a great time, it just doesn't fit with your plan to keep it discreet.

I feel your pain on this one- we are having a hard time deciding what to do about our legal at home. On the one hand we would like our parents to be there and on the other we think they will be like- what the heck are we going to Mexico for if you're already married?

Let us know what happens.