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New Rules


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#1 starchild

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    Posted 09 February 2007 - 04:59 AM

    If you are easily offended this may not be for you. There's my disclaimer :o)

    This is something funny my brother came up with.
    It cracked me up when I needed a laugh and I hope it gives you a chuckle too . . .

    ************************************************** ****************************
    New Rules


    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.Com! There's a
    reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
    particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
    football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.


    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
    you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
    found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
    did you expect it to contain? Trout?


    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
    blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
    these kids: lucky bastards.


    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
    Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
    Okay, we're done.


    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
    of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste.
    Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
    water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.


    New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
    redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
    is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
    his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
    the Social Security crisis.


    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
    a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande
    half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
    cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
    NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a-hole.


    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
    card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
    deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
    kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
    Almond Joy.


    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
    It's right above the crack of your ass.
    And it translates to "beef with broccoli."
    The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
    You're not spiritual, you're just high.


    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.
    It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open
    of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker
    table was just too damned exciting.
    What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
    They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."


    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
    I'll go nuts and eat two.


    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
    old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
    remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
    the reason something was a television show in the first place is that
    the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.


    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
    weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
    Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
    isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


    New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
    After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
    had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
    there! Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.


    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
    months. "27 Months."
    "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
    And I didn't really care in the first place.


    I may not know much, but I know the difference between chicken s**t and
    chicken salad.

    #2 Jackie

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      Posted 09 February 2007 - 09:12 AM

      hehehehe those were pretty funny. And most should actually really be the new rule.
      My Dreams Cabo Wedding Review
      http://bestdestinati...om/forum/t22576

      #3 Christine

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      Posted 09 February 2007 - 10:54 AM

      those are funny...thanks for sharing.
      Christine + Will (married 7/20/07) + Ainsleigh (born 6/25/08) + Nolan (born 11/9/10) + Delaney (born 12/31/13) = One Very Happy Family!

      #4 *JillD*

      *JillD*
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        Posted 09 February 2007 - 11:25 AM

        Very funny, I needed this today!

        I copied this and emailed it to all the guys in my office.

        #5 anaderoux

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          Posted 09 February 2007 - 01:54 PM

          hahahahahahahahahahaha soooo good!!!!

          #6 MikkiStreak

          MikkiStreak
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            Posted 09 February 2007 - 03:28 PM

            I aboslutely *love* those!! The Starbucks, gift registries and children's ages were great!!!! hehehehe...

            #7 weez

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              Posted 09 February 2007 - 04:39 PM


              Very funny! Thanks for sharing! Most of them are too true.

              #8 LiannaBanana

              LiannaBanana
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              • Wedding Location:Royalton Punta Cana
              • LocationToronto, ON

              Posted 29 April 2014 - 08:39 AM

              Those are some great rules!  haha



              #9 atennille

              atennille
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              • Wedding Location:Royalton White Sands. Montego Bay, Jamaica
              • LocationAtlanta, GA

              Posted 15 July 2014 - 10:38 PM

              LOl, but I loved arched eyebrows


                                                                          AnnaTennille & Eric

                                                                               May 16, 2015

                                                                         Montego Bay, Jamaica

                                                

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              #10 Sabes44

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              Posted 16 July 2014 - 04:39 PM

              ha ha this was great, just what I needed after a long day!






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