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Need mom advice...


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#1 stefnicole

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    Posted 06 May 2008 - 01:18 AM

    UPDATE ON PAGE 2!!

    So, my mom rsvp'd with her and her boyfriend (who wasn't invited). Now, this guy is the same guy she's been with off and on since I was about 11. I don't particularly care for him. He's the reason my mom had to declare bankruptcy and lost her custody of my brother and I (we moved in with my dad). When she moved a couple years ago, I found out later it was to be with him, but she never told us they were together and I found out by accident over a year later.

    Now, I know I'm being childish and I should give up my grudge, BUT I can't! I just don't want him at my wedding, which is why I didn't invite him. I guess I can accept that they're using my wedding as an excuse for a vacation but I don't want him even in my eyesight. No one else in my family likes him either, so it'll be pretty akward if he's around.

    What do I do? Tell her I don't want him at any "wedding" activities? She's gonna get offended and I'm not sure I want to deal with it. We've had issues over the years but I thought we were finally doing okay. Do I just ignore it?

    I'm being selfish, aren't I?

    #2 Birdie07

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      Posted 06 May 2008 - 01:45 AM

      I kinda had a similar issue. My dad's current girlfriend is who he cheated on my mom with. My mom would be there and it was a big issue on whether to invite her. But my mom said TO invite her. I was shocked. But I did but only b/c she's been helping my brothers out. But then my dad freaked and refused to let her come to the wedding if she came.
      I would just be upfront. I wrote my dad a long email about it. Told the truth. Just tell her that you don't want your wedding to be awkward and you just want "FAMILY" there. And since he's not married to her and he's not family you'd rather he not come. If she'd rather get offended over the boyfriend than her own daughters wedding then it's not worth it. IMO?

      #3 starchild

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        Posted 06 May 2008 - 02:15 AM

        Hmmm...etiquette probably says you don't really have a say in the +1 of an invited guest. Realistically if it were me and I didn't like the +1 I wouldn't want the person there either.

        In this case, it would really really bother me. What is your current relationship with mom? If you got her alone and nicely explained that you don't want this person at your wedding - would she flip out and not go? Would she bring him anyway? Or would she respect your wishes? I hope it's #3.

        You should be comfortable on your wedding day and it sounds like his presence would make you (and others) uncomfortable. My BM brought a female guest to Mexico and we met her at the bach. party in PV. We couldn't stand her. She was uninvited to the WD & wedding, and she was already in Mexico. If she showed up we had a group of people who volunteered to deny her admission. (she didn't show) That's how important I think it is to be surrounded by postive people you like on your wedding day.

        Good luck :)

        #4 BarefootBride

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          Posted 06 May 2008 - 07:13 AM

          Touchy subject. I think you arent being selfish because the bride and groom SHOULD have a say so at who attends the wedding however I am not sure if I would risk my mother not coming if she gets mad at me for uninviting her bf. If I really didnt like the bf enough to not care if my mother came... that would be a whole different issue but it seems as if you dont like this bf but you could possibly tolerate him at your wedding.
          Maybe you should just give her your honest opinion in considerate way like 'Mom, I know you and xx have been together for a long time and I have known him since I was 11. I respect that he is the person you choose to be with even though I think you deserve better but do you think it would be a bit akward with him during the family wedding events?"

          #5 becks

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          Posted 06 May 2008 - 08:16 AM

          Yikes. My best guess is no matter what happens, someone's going to be unhappy or angry. The question is whether that person is you or your mom.

          I had a bit of this when my father insisted I invite his wife's daughter and family. It's not that I dislike them, I just didn't want them there. I (after much deliberation), caved.

          My advice to you on this one is not to cave. You don't like this man. He was not invited. Every time you see him at your wedding events you're going to get ticked off.

          Tell you mom that if she wants to bring him to Hawaii, that is her right and her decision. Then tell her that he is not invited to attend the wedding events and that is your right and your decision.

          Be firm. Be strong. It will get really ugly before it's all said and done. But your wedding is a year away, and your mom will come to grips with it.

          Good luck!!!

          Happily married since 2008

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          #6 stefnicole

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            Posted 06 May 2008 - 09:56 AM

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by starchild
            Hmmm...etiquette probably says you don't really have a say in the +1 of an invited guest. Realistically if it were me and I didn't like the +1 I wouldn't want the person there either.
            But I didn't put + 1 on the card. I haven't even sent our formal invitations yet, just a STD card, but she RSVP'ed on the website.

            Becks, do you regret that you caved in and let them come?

            #7 starchild

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              Posted 06 May 2008 - 10:05 AM

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by stefnicole
              But I didn't put + 1 on the card. I haven't even sent our formal invitations yet, just a STD card, but she RSVP'ed on the website.
              She's a mom, she probably got the STD, got excited, and wanted to RSVP right away. She may have just assumed she was entitled to bring a guest like most weddings. Don't get me wrong, I think it's BS and that he shouldn't go...but that may be why she did it.

              So are you going to express your concerns to her? I'm with Becks, he can go to Hawaii but not the wedding stuff, it's not her decision to make :)

              #8 becks

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              Posted 06 May 2008 - 10:14 AM

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by stefnicole
              Becks, do you regret that you caved in and let them come?
              Regret... isn't the right word. I really, really don't like it. I resent the fact that my father put me in the position in the first place. I hate the fact that there are about 200 other people I would have invited before I invited them.

              That being said, it's not as if I dislike them. And I have plenty of other things to focus my energy on.

              If it were a situation where I did not like/had a problem with the guest, honestly, I would have dug my heels in and told my dad that they would not be invited and if he had a problem with it, then he could stay home. And I mean that literally - and I LOVE my daddy. This is YOUR wedding day. You do not want to be walking down the aisle and see this person sitting there - it will cast a shadow on what ought to be a euphoric day.

              You can't tell her that he can't come to Hawaii, but you have EVERY right to tell her he isn't welcome at the wedding events.

              I don't know if you have siblings, but I discussed my situation with mine and was glad I did. Even though I caved in the end, they were ready to back me up and tell my dad he was being unreasonable - which was a nice position to be in.

              Happily married since 2008

              Allurements by Rebecca - Destination Wedding Invitations and more


              #9 stefnicole

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                Posted 06 May 2008 - 11:45 AM

                I'm going to call her. I'm kinda glad she lives far away so I can do this over the phone. It would be a lot more akward if I had to say this to her face. Thanks everyone for your advice. I'm going to tell her that he's not invited to the wedding "festivities" but can come and vacation with her if that's what she wants. I'm hoping that by discussing this early, by the time next May comes along, it'll be smooth sailing, so to speak.

                I just sent her a Mother's Day card so she'll be calling to thank me. What a great way to kill the convo - "You're welcome mom, oh, and by the way, your bf isn't invited to my wedding. Have a nice day!"

                #10 Copita

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                  Posted 06 May 2008 - 11:51 AM

                  Aw I am really sorry to hear this. I imagine it must be really difficult.
                  I guess I would just let them come but don't go out of your way to be nice to him. He prob knows already taht you and nobody else in your fam can stand him anyway, you know? That way mom comes and is happy.
                  Don't let him ruin your day. The focus is you and he will only be in the background.




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