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Anyone Else Have Bridesmaids That They Don't Really Want?


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#1 jeffandrobyn

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 06:02 AM

FI is one of three kids, the other two of whom are married. He asked his bro-in-law to be a groomsman and bro to be best man. I was very happy to ask his sis to be a BM, but just to make things easier and not cause any waves, I asked sis-in-law too. I know it was the right thing to do seeing as everyone else was being included, but I kind of resent that I did that. 

 

Sis-in-law makes me feel like a third wheel when it's the three of us - me, her, FI's sis. She's also made it difficult for me and FI's sis to have our own relationship/friendship. She says things to FI's sis like 'hi, this is your ONLY sis-in-law because she's not married yet.' It's a total insecurity issue but it makes me unhappy that this is happening. I hate that I do the right thing and she doesn't. The entire family walks on eggshells around this girl and it drives me nuts. She doesn't deserve it. 

 

And I couldn't have made it easier than I did with BM dresses. I picked a color and said something above the knee please. After that, do what you want - any dress you like, any shoes you like, do your hair as you like...and then FI's sis comes back to me and says 'we saw long dresses that we like in your color, how about those?' 

 

Does anyone else have issues like this??? Sorry to vent but I can't help it. 



#2 TinkerSofi

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 06:16 AM

this is such a tough position to be in. I was a bridesmaid once even though I wasn't really close friends with the bride. I almost felt like I got asked to balance the numbers (my FI was good friends with the groom so he was a GM) or to spare my feelings. I would have been fine had I not been asked. I wish I could be of more help but unfortunately I don't think that cutting her is the best approach at this point. Maybe call her out on those things next time. You would think that's it's being confrontational but actually sometimes setting limits and being assertive is a better way of dealing with issues like this rather than trying to ignore them. If it bugs you, don't stay quiet. Don't make a huge drama about it and start a fight, but let her know that you don't appreciate those comments because you're as much part of the family as anyone else. 



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#3 Mrsktobe

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 07:15 AM

As bad as it sounds, I really wish I would have a smaller group of bridesmaids. half my bridal party has completely sh*t the bed and been pretty selfish and has been causing me more stress than helping. It's made the wedding process a lot sh*ttier when you have people treating you like crap when they are supposed to be there for you.

#4 jeffandrobyn

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 07:22 AM

@TinkerSofi

 

Hmmm... interesting that you were on the receiving end of this situation. Was it still a good experience for you? 

 

So far, sis-in-law is the only BM who hasn't offered to help with anything (I only have 3 girls, total.) I guess I shouldn't be surprised because the whole family calls her selfish but still, if I can do the right thing and invite her in, I feel like she should do the right thing and offer to help....even if she doesn't want to. 

 

@Mrsktobe

 

That stinks that your bridal party is causing you stress. For me, sis-in-law is just clearly not interested. I suspect part of it is because I am (indirectly) taking some of the attention away from her. 

 

 

#5 Mrsktobe

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 07:44 AM

@TinkerSofi
 
Hmmm... interesting that you were on the receiving end of this situation. Was it still a good experience for you? 
 
So far, sis-in-law is the only BM who hasn't offered to help with anything (I only have 3 girls, total.) I guess I shouldn't be surprised because the whole family calls her selfish but still, if I can do the right thing and invite her in, I feel like she should do the right thing and offer to help....even if she doesn't want to. 
 
@Mrsktobe
 
That stinks that your bridal party is causing you stress. For me, sis-in-law is just clearly not interested. I suspect part of it is because I am (indirectly) taking some of the attention away from her.


Sounds like my SIL *AND* MIL!

All I can say is it's your day and don't let her ruin that for you. I didn't ask my SIL to be in my wedding party and she has been a cow the whole wedding process and totally stirring up drama, not caring about anything. MIL is involved with it too. Like two hens. Just remember its your day. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around her for the sake of keeping the peace. I was just talking with a friend about this, as women we want to keep the peace and be nice and gracious but putting your foot down (if it gets to that) does not make your a bridezilla!

#6 jeffandrobyn

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 08:05 AM

@Mrsktobe

 

Ugh! You've got it from both ends?? I'm so, so sorry!!! Is your BIL in your wedding party? 

 

I'm just a very passive person who always likes to do the right thing...even though it often bites me in the you-know-what. Plus I know it meant a lot to FI that I asked her. He's not close with her at all and goes out of his way to avoid her drama, but he did make a point of thanking me for including her. So at least he recognizes that I did it because it was the right thing to do and not necessarily because I wanted to. 

 

I don't think I'll have to put my foot down on anything with her, because she doesn't seem to take an interest in my wedding at all (which is fine). I think she also thinks I don't deserve any attention because it's a second marriage for me - first for FI. I'm going to resent buying her a BM gift even more though! 

 

 

 


 



#7 Mrsktobe

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 08:53 AM

@Mrsktobe
 
Ugh! You've got it from both ends?? I'm so, so sorry!!! Is your BIL in your wedding party? 
 
I'm just a very passive person who always likes to do the right thing...even though it often bites me in the you-know-what. Plus I know it meant a lot to FI that I asked her. He's not close with her at all and goes out of his way to avoid her drama, but he did make a point of thanking me for including her. So at least he recognizes that I did it because it was the right thing to do and not necessarily because I wanted to. 
 
I don't think I'll have to put my foot down on anything with her, because she doesn't seem to take an interest in my wedding at all (which is fine). I think she also thinks I don't deserve any attention because it's a second marriage for me - first for FI. I'm going to resent buying her a BM gift even more though!


It's nice that it means a lot to your FI. I'm all about doing the right thing, even if it means it biting me in the a** which it does more so than not. Sucks she is uninvolved but hey, maybe it's a positive thing if she is taking no interest, it means she won't create any drama hopefully. One can hope right?

Oh man. both ends doesn't even start to cover it. I have my SIL who is sabotaging my wedding by spreading lies and creating drama because she is jealous (Nevermind the fact that I have worked for everything in my life, went to school, did everything on my own, while she sits at home and smokes joints all day while her fiancé works and then complains they don't have money) and then my MIL who is close with my SIL and smokes joints with her, they share the same dealer actually and they both just feed on the negativity. They are upset that I haven't supposedly included them but I have and they created drama, so I stopped. So it's been a joy to say the least.

Both of my brother in laws are in the wedding. They are really good. I love them both, have gotten along with them for many years. I'm actually sad that my BIL is with my crazy SIL as he used to be so much fun and now he is trapped and she threatens him all the time with leaving.. ughh.. drama.

Edited by Mrsktobe, 16 September 2014 - 08:57 AM.


#8 TinkerSofi

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 09:34 AM

@TinkerSofi

Hmmm... interesting that you were on the receiving end of this situation. Was it still a good experience for you?

So far, sis-in-law is the only BM who hasn't offered to help with anything (I only have 3 girls, total.) I guess I shouldn't be surprised because the whole family calls her selfish but still, if I can do the right thing and invite her in, I feel like she should do the right thing and offer to help....even if she doesn't want to.

@Mrsktobe

That stinks that your bridal party is causing you stress. For me, sis-in-law is just clearly not interested. I suspect part of it is because I am (indirectly) taking some of the attention away from her.


It wasn't a bad experience but I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I would have had I been really close with the bride. I felt like I didn't have the liberty of saying "oh let's work on centerpieces" or whatever it is they needed me to help with. She never asked for me to do anything but I also never took the initiative to help her with anything because I was afraid of overstepping my bounds. So that might account for part of your SIL behavior. However, it doesn't explain her bitter comments and I really think you need to stand up for yourself in that regard and just put her in her place. At any rate, no one will be paying attention to her on your wedding so don't let the little "attention grabbing" behaviors ruin your day ;)


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#9 jeffandrobyn

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 09:39 AM

@Mrsktobe

 

Yes, I don't care that she isn't taking an interest. Better for me, actually. But I do think it is b.s. that I'm going to have to buy her a BM gift....what am I thanking her for? That she didn't cause a problem??!!

 

Good luck with your MIL and SIL. And I'm sorry you're dealing with that - such b.s.!!! This is a second marriage for me (first for FI) and my ex MIL was a nightmare and a half!! Like to the point where she was looking at white wedding gowns to wear to the wedding! I am very fortunate to have a wonderful, wonderful MIL this time around. 



#10 Mrsktobe

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 10:07 AM

@Mrsktobe
 
Yes, I don't care that she isn't taking an interest. Better for me, actually. But I do think it is b.s. that I'm going to have to buy her a BM gift....what am I thanking her for? That she didn't cause a problem??!!
 
Good luck with your MIL and SIL. And I'm sorry you're dealing with that - such b.s.!!! This is a second marriage for me (first for FI) and my ex MIL was a nightmare and a half!! Like to the point where she was looking at white wedding gowns to wear to the wedding! I am very fortunate to have a wonderful, wonderful MIL this time around.


Hahaha. Sorry to laugh. I am feeling the same way right now. I got my MIL a hankey with a personalized note on it, thanking her for raising her son to be the man of my dreams blah blah when in all actuality, he raised himself as she was absent. I also paid for her hair and makeup and got her a robe. So I'm a little peeved as well. Here, take a gift for causing drama during our wedding and causing me almost to go on anxiety medication. No seriously. Thank you.

It's ok. I am happy it's happened. It's really made me realize their true character. I have been with my FI for 9 years and all was fine with my MIL and SIL as long as I was on their side.... but with abusing drugs & what not, I can't turn a blind eye to it anymore. And when I finally had enough and stopped putting up with it, I got attacked. So it is what it is!




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