What Would You Do? Bm Drama

[kmk2016]

Ok girls... I REALLY need your support/advice as I'm sick to my stomach not knowing what to do!

 

A bit of history... I was married 10 years ago, and at the time asked a friend who had moved to another city 2 hrs away but was still very close (old room mates, travelled together etc) to be my MoH. She said yes and although she was 7 months pregnant at the time of the wedding, was a great support that day (though was understandably absent for all other planning/lead up events like parties or dress shopping etc)... I totally got it and didn't resent that for a moment.

 

Fast forward a decade and after going through a very hard divorce, I found an amazing man who made my life full. We set our wedding date and started planning our DW.

 

Over this decade, my former MoH had moved back to my home city... We had kids together...and were there for eachother through both the breakdowns of our marriage and becoming single moms. Despite this, our lives had moved in different directions as she had married "well" and stopped working when she married and got a multi-million dollar settlement in her divorce that quite literally has set her up for life, while I was the primary bread winner and had to work even harder after becoming single. Our social circles changed due to this fact, and we had less in common- but she still was an important woman in my life.

 

Ok.... Sooooo I asked her to be a BM and she grumbled that she wasn't the MoH again (I told her that was bad luck) but she seemed happy I asked. All the BMs booked with our TA immediately except for her- stating she was planning on getting a last minute package... I explained that I wasn't comfortable with this since only one tour operator in canada sells this resort and the likelihood of it selling out was high. She ignored me.

 

Last month, I wanted to show my BMs some love and scored us 6 seats together for Keith Urban and VIP tickets our local rodeo (those who know Calgary know this is a big deal) she cancelled with a lame excuse a day before, and I tried to not let it bug me since I know she is busy.

 

Fast forward to the last 2 weeks.....

 

On the 12th of August my TA called me to say that our original contract of 30 seats on the plane (with an attrition to a max of 50) was at capacity and starting the next day a new contract price would be in place and price would raise. since she was in my bridal party and the only one who hadn't booked, I messaged her to give her the heads up saying I know she's busy but that I wanted her to be aware and if she could book that would be great. (The deposit is $150 and trust me... $$ is not an issue here). Her response? "I will do it when I'm ready- if you want to choose someone else to go just say so". Wtf????

 

Next Friday I made plans (and purchased 6 tickets) for me to take my girls (and 1 guy standing up for me) to Katy Perry. Everyone is pumped! We made plans for dinner before etc. And again, she hasn't reached out saying she is excited or anything. It's been weird not talking much at all for about 3 months.. But our relationship is often touching base in a text every few weeks and it's never been a sign of anything wrong. So I sent her a note this am saying I missed her and that I can't believe it's been so long since we've seen one another and thank God for Katy Perry so we can catch up... She replied saying I don't text her so not sure why I was giving her grief. I called her, since I didn't like where this was going and simply wanted to clear the air. I told her I felt like my recent attempts to reach out were met by some resentment on her part and didn't want to pester her knowing how busy she was. Her response? "I don't need to be micromanaged telling me I need to book (she never did).... I'm 41 yrs old." And then she said she had to go, that her kids were needing her and she hung up. She then texted me saying that our lives are in different places now and that if I don't feel she has been there for me it's because our lives are different and if I want to ask someone to stand up for me in her place, I can.

 

I'm at a total loss! My girlfriend (who's also a BM and knows us both) suggested I don't reply... And wait to see if she shows up to Katy Perry and if she doesn't... Move on. Part of me wants to just say forget it... I wouldn't replace her but I don't need the drama and can do without her standing there but if I do- I know it will end what's left of a 20 year friendship. It feels like she wants me to push her out so IM the bad guy... But doesn't want to be a part of it to begin with.

 

Do I just leave it and see if she shows up to the concert? Do I tell her I don't need her to by my BM and end our friendship? Or do I beg her to be there and stroke her ego and make her know how important she is to my special day?

 

Help!!!!!

(Sorry for the crazy long post! Hahah)

[beckys98]

Oh boy, that really stinks and you shouldn't have to deal with the drama Obviously I don't know her, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt that there is something else going on that has nothing to do with me. Since you don't plan to replace her in your bridal party anyway, I would make your wishes clear and then leave the decision to her. I wouldn't go so far as to stroke her ego and DEFINITELY wouldn't do anything close to begging, but I would calmly one more time clearly say something like "I asked you to be part of my bridal party because your friendship is, and will continue to be, very important to me. I still hope that you will be my bridesmaid and I have no intentions of replacing you either way." And then let her choose for herself whether she wants to come or not. She will either put her deposit down or she won't, but at least you tried. 

[calgarybride2015]

What is it with weddings and the drama!!!

 

I have no sound advice because I went thru this myself, although our friendship was 5 years not 20!

I don't stroke people's egos and I don't beg people to be my friend.  So with that said, I hashed it out and thought we had moved forward - gave her one more opportunity to be involved and ultimately moved on. We easily haven't talked since late May/early June, and before that was very distant.   

 

I don't need the drama at this happy time in my life, or at any time in my life to be honest.

 

It's a tough call - I see your point about her wanting you to use her out so the 'blood' is on your hands so to speak, but also her comments almost make me feel she wants you too because she doesn't have the 'balls' to say so herself.  But on the flip side why be in a miff she is only a BM not a MOH, then not even care so much as to be a BM?  UGH women, hehe.

 

What I would probably do is this - you invited her to Keith Urban (which failed), you gave her a heads up that pricing was increasing (which failed), see if she comes to Katy Perry and then make a judgement call. Your efforts aren't appreciated, your texts/calls aren't friendly, so why put yourself thru all of this?  I guess you could just move on, or you could end it politely.  Why not see what comes of the Katy Perry concert, then bluntly ask her if she wants to be involved or if she feels your friendship is too distant now for her to feel comfortable?  

 

I never had the opportunity to ask my friend to be in my wedding party as she was clearly unhappy I was engaged so I didn't have to cut her off in that term.

 

I am rambling now and like I said above have no firm advice but at some point you need to be done with it - you know? of course unless something turns around.     I love how the poster above put it with respect on what to say to her.

Edited August 24, 2014 by calgarybride2015

[kmk2016]

The way I look at it, if she bails on Katy Perry and doesn't show up- it's her way of saying she doesn't want to be in the bridal party and I move on.... If she shows up and pretends nothing wrong (or talks to me about it), then I will assume she wants to be there and let it be.... Our RSVP date is September 21st... So just under a month away. If she doesn't RSVP or book by then I will let her know that I didn't receive her reply to our wedding and will move forward in ordering BM dresses without her. I'm tired of her drama. (In reference to your point about her pouting about not being MoH and just a BM... I wasn't surprised by this... She likes to be the centre of attention/prettiest/most popular type... So knowing someone "out ranked" her didn't sit well, but I don't take that too seriously. After this long of a friendship I know not to play into this with her. I grew up... I feel at times like she didn't- she just changed circumstances.

[calgarybride2015]

The way I look at it, if she bails on Katy Perry and doesn't show up- it's her way of saying she doesn't want to be in the bridal party and I move on.... If she shows up and pretends nothing wrong (or talks to me about it), then I will assume she wants to be there and let it be.... Our RSVP date is September 21st... So just under a month away. If she doesn't RSVP or book by then I will let her know that I didn't receive her reply to our wedding and will move forward in ordering BM dresses without her. I'm tired of her drama. (In reference to your point about her pouting about not being MoH and just a BM... I wasn't surprised by this... She likes to be the centre of attention/prettiest/most popular type... So knowing someone "out ranked" her didn't sit well, but I don't take that too seriously. After this long of a friendship I know not to play into this with her. I grew up... I feel at times like she didn't- she just changed circumstances.

 

 

I totally understand how you feel 100%.  My friend never talked to me about my wedding, never RSVP'd or anything.  Each time I asked her to be involved and she either declined or flat out ignored me it hurt a lot.  At first I didn't know exactly what was going on, but when I confronted her and realized it, I asked one more time and again it hurt a lot when she was so cold about it, but I realized that I couldn't do it anymore.  Why keep trying and make yourself feel like crap so much?  What if you did stroke her ego and 'beg' her and it goes nowhere? how crappy would you feel?  

 

I think your plan is a good one.  

 

Good luck!

 

EDIT:  my friend is my neighbour.. so sad that if we are both outside she won't even smile or say hi, it's like high school. So ridiculous!

Edited August 24, 2014 by calgarybride2015

[acw271011]

Ok so definitely no sucking up. On a certain level, she has a point on something. You're both (I'll assume lol) over 40, and this kind of childish behaviour just doesn't do it for me. I just called a friend out on similar stuff, but nothing related to our plans. I hate the lame excuses. Don't BS me. You don't wanna hang around, say so. You don't wanna be friends, say so. Life is too short first of all to put up with it, to waste time on it and to waste time with people that don't want to hang around with you. It's very hard to let go of things. We try to think that we value our friends and treat them as such, but lives change. People change. Things are either solid enough to weather it, or they aren't.

 

Does she also have someone else in her life? Could she really be more disappointed about not being your MOH than you realize? Sometimes being "relegated" to the role of BM when you think you should be MOH doesn't sit well with people. I think you've done all you can for the moment. She has given you the hints enough about replacing her I think. You're right - it is putting it back on you and making you the bad guy, but for some people that's how they justify it and get around it. She probably doesn't want to come right out and say "I don't want to be there" or "I don't want to go" so turning it around on you is the easy way out. I would say now just leave it alone. Plan on her not being there unfortunately, and yes, probably ending a friendship. But you said yourself that your lives are on different paths, and sometimes that's all it takes. If things do turn around, then deal with that if and when it comes but try not to lose any more sleep over it.

[kmk2016]

Ok so definitely no sucking up. On a certain level, she has a point on something. You're both (I'll assume lol) over 40, and this kind of childish behaviour just doesn't do it for me. I just called a friend out on similar stuff, but nothing related to our plans. I hate the lame excuses. Don't BS me. You don't wanna hang around, say so. You don't wanna be friends, say so. Life is too short first of all to put up with it, to waste time on it and to waste time with people that don't want to hang around with you. It's very hard to let go of things. We try to think that we value our friends and treat them as such, but lives change. People change. Things are either solid enough to weather it, or they aren't.

 

Does she also have someone else in her life? Could she really be more disappointed about not being your MOH than you realize? Sometimes being "relegated" to the role of BM when you think you should be MOH doesn't sit well with people. I think you've done all you can for the moment. She has given you the hints enough about replacing her I think. You're right - it is putting it back on you and making you the bad guy, but for some people that's how they justify it and get around it. She probably doesn't want to come right out and say "I don't want to be there" or "I don't want to go" so turning it around on you is the easy way out. I would say now just leave it alone. Plan on her not being there unfortunately, and yes, probably ending a friendship. But you said yourself that your lives are on different paths, and sometimes that's all it takes. If things do turn around, then deal with that if and when it comes but try not to lose any more sleep over it.

As per your question about whether she has "anyone else" or possibly more hurt than let on" about the MoH first marriage, BM this time around, I really don't think that could be it. She has plenty of friends whom she has become very close with (they call themselves the "ladies who lunch- and who simply meet for lunch weekdays and then shop together in the afternoons). I obviously am not part of that group- but have met them and it's not my cup of tea. I think it's just that she can't be bothered to make any type of effort in the friendship because she's busy doing her own thing... And gets defensive when I ask her about it. I have 4 other BMs and plenty of other friends- If this friendship is over- it will be sad but won't leave me broken... I guess I'm just disappointed is all. Even if she DOES show up for the concert this Friday it's sure to be awkward... I mean- the last thing she said was a text telling me to replace her in the wedding- and then she just shows up for a free ticket and a night out like nothing's wrong? Arg. Let's hope she has the maturity to handle this one way or the other BEFORE then. I made my effort. Ball is in her court. I just hope it doesn't ruin what was supposed to be a special night out with my BFFs. Edited August 25, 2014 by kmk2016

[tygrrlily]

I agree with the ladies above - I think you've really done what you can.  I really like what Becky98 suggested above about telling her that she's your friend and that you love her and you hope she supports you.  Beyond that, you should not have to chase or beg her... that's ridiculous. Friendships really have to go both ways with both people making an effort. If she books her spot and shows up to the concert, then you know that she does want to be your BM and a part of your life. If she doesn't, friendships unfortunately can shift and change in nature.

 

Is your friend single by any chance? I know this sounds kind of bad, but I found when getting engaged that it seemed to upset one of my single girlfriends who has been distant since. 

 

It is definitely disappointing though.  I hope everything resolves itself!

[acw271011]

As per your question about whether she has "anyone else" or possibly more hurt than let on" about the MoH first marriage, BM this time around, I really don't think that could be it. She has plenty of friends whom she has become very close with (they call themselves the "ladies who lunch- and who simply meet for lunch weekdays and then shop together in the afternoons). I obviously am not part of that group- but have met them and it's not my cup of tea. I think it's just that she can't be bothered to make any type of effort in the friendship because she's busy doing her own thing... And gets defensive when I ask her about it. I have 4 other BMs and plenty of other friends- If this friendship is over- it will be sad but won't leave me broken... I guess I'm just disappointed is all. Even if she DOES show up for the concert this Friday it's sure to be awkward... I mean- the last thing she said was a text telling me to replace her in the wedding- and then she just shows up for a free ticket and a night out like nothing's wrong? Arg. Let's hope she has the maturity to handle this one way or the other BEFORE then. I made my effort. Ball is in her court. I just hope it doesn't ruin what was supposed to be a special night out with my BFFs.

 

I agree with you. It's so unfortunate when we lose friends. Life is short enough! But it's very true. Lives change and people change, and as much as we like the idea of "friends for life", most times it just does't turn out that way.

 

I think you have a good attitude about it and again, I agree. I don't think she'll show up for any of the "events" and you should just follow her suggestion and not count on her at all. It would be entirely your choice whether to "replace" the bridesmaid position or not.

[calgarybride2015]

I agree with you. It's so unfortunate when we lose friends. Life is short enough! But it's very true. Lives change and people change, and as much as we like the idea of "friends for life", most times it just does't turn out that way.

 

I think you have a good attitude about it and again, I agree. I don't think she'll show up for any of the "events" and you should just follow her suggestion and not count on her at all. It would be entirely your choice whether to "replace" the bridesmaid position or not.

 

I would hope, at the very least, she has the respect to say so though!

So you can replace her on Friday and also again for your wedding if you do so wish!