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cinnagirl

+1 to Resort but Not Wedding

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Hello everyone, 

 

I could use some advice for a dilemma we are currently having. For our wedding we only gave plus 1s to certain people: wedding party members (though the two that got plus 1s have been in a long term relationship anyways) and anyone who doesn't know anyone else in attendance (these people have all decided to come solo anyways). For those guests that know several people attending, whether they be friends or family, we did not give a plus 1 to. 

 

Our main reason for doing this is because we want our wedding to be an intimate affair with close family and friends. We're also on a tight budget and can't afford to pay for every guest to have a plus one. 

 

Recently we've had several people ask if they can bring dates. I'm leaning towards no, for the reasons described above. If all of the people that asked if they can bring dates to the wedding were allowed to, then 1/3 of the people attending would be "dates" (some guests want to bring friends, not partners) and we have never met any of these people before. So 1/3 of our wedding would be random people.

 

The only compromise I see is allowing people to bring dates to the resort, but not the wedding. The resort is public so I can't very well say that people aren't allowed to go there. I feel like that would make us look rude though when those extra people get left behind at the resort on the wedding day.

 

So what should we do? Stick to our guns and say no to dates? Allow dates to come to the resort but not wedding? Just allow these random people to come to the wedding anyways?


I should note that the people that are asking if they can bring dates were going to be sharing a room at the resort with another guest, so they are paying the same amount for a room whether they share with a guest or share with their date. 

 

Thanks everyone!! I'd love to hear your opinions.

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"I'm so sorry, but we're on a really tight budget with this wedding, so we can't accommodate any more people at the event itself.  But you're welcome to bring your friend to the resort on vacation with you!  They'll just have to entertain themselves for a few hours during the wedding. Again, I wish we could invite everyone, but we just don't have the budget for it.  Thanks for understanding."

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cinnagirl, I had the same problem- finally the asking for the +1 has died down.  Like jello suggested, we told people that due to a tight budget we wanted an intimate affair and couldn't make an exception for them as then we'd be obliged to give everyone else a +1.  We stuck to our guns and didn't budge. 

 

I was actually surprised at the amount of people asking for a +1- I thought it kind of rude actually because I personally wouldn't ask for a guest if a +1 hadn't been indicated on the invitation.  I know of some people that might still bring a guest to the resort, but I'm not going to let myself feel bad that they will be left alone on the wedding day- that's their own perogative.

 

Stand strong girly! :)

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Yea I get the dilemma. I donno what your plan for the night is, but could you say no for them coming to the ceremony and dinner, but allow them to join you all for the dance (if you're doing one)? 

 

I like jello's wording!

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Originally Posted by tkuzma View Post

 

cinnagirl, I had the same problem- finally the asking for the +1 has died down.  Like jello suggested, we told people that due to a tight budget we wanted an intimate affair and couldn't make an exception for them as then we'd be obliged to give everyone else a +1.  We stuck to our guns and didn't budge. 

 

I was actually surprised at the amount of people asking for a +1- I thought it kind of rude actually because I personally wouldn't ask for a guest if a +1 hadn't been indicated on the invitation.  I know of some people that might still bring a guest to the resort, but I'm not going to let myself feel bad that they will be left alone on the wedding day- that's their own perogative.

 

Stand strong girly! :)

I think it's absolutely rude to ask for a plus one. It puts the bride and groom in the awkward position of either giving in or saying no. I feel like because it's a destination wedding people don't feel that the same "etiquette" applies so they're just rude. Good for you on sticking to your guns. I'm going to do the same thing. :)

Originally Posted by jello View Post

 

"I'm so sorry, but we're on a really tight budget with this wedding, so we can't accommodate any more people at the event itself.  But you're welcome to bring your friend to the resort on vacation with you!  They'll just have to entertain themselves for a few hours during the wedding. Again, I wish we could invite everyone, but we just don't have the budget for it.  Thanks for understanding."

Totally love this wording. I'm definitely going to go with this! Thanks so much! :)

Originally Posted by jreist View Post

 

Yea I get the dilemma. I donno what your plan for the night is, but could you say no for them coming to the ceremony and dinner, but allow them to join you all for the dance (if you're doing one)? 

 

I like jello's wording!

Ah, maybe. It'd be a pain to try and get the extra people there because we're getting married off resort. But we shall see! To be fair, it sounds like some of my family members want to leave the wedding early so I'm not too keen on asking their friends to join us for the dancing. 

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Originally Posted by jello View Post

 

"I'm so sorry, but we're on a really tight budget with this wedding, so we can't accommodate any more people at the event itself.  But you're welcome to bring your friend to the resort on vacation with you!  They'll just have to entertain themselves for a few hours during the wedding. Again, I wish we could invite everyone, but we just don't have the budget for it.  Thanks for understanding."

 

I think this wording is fantastic! frankly, having chosen the worlds most expensive venue (xcaret, so beautiful but so much money!) every person does make a difference to the budget for our wedding- it works out something like 120 dollars pp not including transport. i have no issue with people bringing someone to hang out at the beach with, they just cant attend the wedding. and im saying the same thing about children. if that means people drop out, then so be it!

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We've had a bit of the same problem and I have had to be stern and say no. I have explained that we are having an AHR where they will be able to bring a plus 1, but that the dw is exclusive.

Also, we have had guest's friends and family say they want to come - and we have explained that we are limited with respect to the number of guests that we can have (due to the private reception and wedding package) and that they are welcome to the resort - however unfortunately we cannot accomodate them for the wedding ceremony/dinner/reception.

 

Its tough but its gonna be done - otherwise its pure chaos!

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So, at the risk of being the massive downer here, I actually disagree with the prevailing wisdom on this thread.

 

I think that destination wedding etiquette is different in this situation, in that it's sort of rude on the part of the bride and groom to not give their guests a plus one right off the bat. Think about it from your guest's perspective: They are spending hundreds—if not a thousand or more—dollars, not to mention using up precious vacation time etc. to attend your wedding. Sure, some guests probably do know a handful or more of the other attendees, but that doesn't necessarily mean they want to spend their entire vacation with those people. I think most people want to spend their vacation time with a person of their choosing, and not giving them a plus one basically forces them to go on vacation solo. That is probably enough to make some people rethinking coming at all. I think guests tend to be more excited to travel to a wedding if they have someone of their choosing to pal around with. It seems pretty awkward to tell your guests that they can bring someone to the resort, but they have to ditch that person for the actual wedding, especially given the investment your guests are making to be there.

 

I totally get the concern over costs and wanting a small event. But for me, this was one of those areas where we sucked up the cost and try to find ways to save money elsewhere. We had some people bring +1s to our wedding who we didn't know beforehand, but after a few days of partying together beforehand, they seemed like old friends and it was fun to have them at the wedding. Just my two cents

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