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canadiandawn

Uninvolved MOH

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Hi All,

 

I need some advice on this.  My MOH is angry at me because I bought my dress without her.  It was becoming too hard to do it according to her schedule so I ended up going on my own and found my dress.  I brought my daughter with me the next day and we both agreed that I should buy it.  I told my MOH, first that I was going to look and second that I'd found one I loved and she was angry at me.

She has not answered emails I've sent her but she sent me one the other day just asking a question which I answered.

She has not answered texts from me but she has sent me a couple of joke texts over the past couple of weeks. 

This has happened with her in the past where she has gotten mad at me and never confronted me.  It would go on for a few months until I broke down and apologized (again) and asked her if she really wanted to stop a 25 year friendship over something like this.  You'd think we were in high school and not in our mid 30s.

I'm now to the point that I don't know if I want her in my wedding party anymore.  If I have to stress about her being mad at me for this or that, I just don't want to worry about it anymore.  We were only going to have one MOH and a groomsman.  We were talking last night about having just us up there. 

Have any of you had to UN-ask somebody to be in your wedding party?

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This is part of the reason that I am glad I didn't have a wedding party!  Blah - too much drama.

 

But I'd just call her out and ask her if she's upset about something.  I mean, the alternative is going on with this game, and then maybe even going on with it during the wedding.  You really don't want that.  Maybe give her an out - tell her that if this kind of stuff is going to cause problems in your relationship then maybe she can step down and just help when she has time.

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Ugggh.  I had a MOH but she was a good one so I can't complain.  I didn't have to un-ask anyone but I wouldn't be opposed if someone was causing too much grief.

 

What bothers me most about your situation is that she is making way too big of a deal over things!  I guess she more caught up on tradition and what is "supposed" to happen than her friendship with you.  So what you bought your dress with your daughter?  Things happen.  How dare she be mad at you. 

 

And she's been mad at you before for things?  She sounds like a lot of work and you don't need that right now.  I'd ask her to step down, saying you've decided to only have you and your fiance up there.  She may be mad but it won't be the first time.  Better to anger her now than during the wedding like Ann said.  Good luck!

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In the same vein, may I suggest framing in a way that makes the concern about her?  As in, "Jane, if you're getting stressed trying to work MOH duties with both of our busy schedules, I will be fine if it would be easier on you to take on a different role in the wedding. Really, everything is good!  My main concern is your well-being and our friendship."

 

We were actually going to go with no wedding party as well, but my mom pitched a fit on behalf of my sister.  So, you know... :/

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Tough situation, FI and I initially told people that we weren't having a wedding party because we didn't want people to be "forced" to go because we asked them to do this for us and we decided *if* we were meant to have one, they would present themselves as such.  So we now have a MOH and BM which are FI's sister and her hubby.  

 

I think you have every right to make your day, YOURS.  And honestly I would tell her I understand you are upset with me however this is MY wedding dress and I really wanted you to be there, but since you couldn't make it the day I understood.  And i am sure it was a truly special moment for your daughter to go back with you and say yes that is the dress

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Sorry, I meant to update on this thread but forgot.  It seems I had to do a little thinking and changing as well.  When I told her I was going dress shopping, I should have invited her along and not expected her to say she'd join me.   The night before I posted this thread, I had my mother over and we took a few pics of me in the dress.  I told my MOH but I didn't actually extend an invitation.  We've always been close enough that I didn't think I had to so I really need to do that from now on.

 

We got together for lunch and she told me she was feeling a little left out because I kept going ahead and doing things without asking her if she'd like to join me.  She said she's really not trying to be a jerk but this was how she was feeling and she really wants to be part of things.  So we made a date for this past weekend and went out and we ended up getting her dress ordered! 

 

Things are good now :)

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