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My BFF wants to bring her on/off a-hole BF *LONG*


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#1 KatyKo

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    Posted 20 February 2009 - 02:58 PM

    I may just be having a bridezilla moment, but I knew you ladies/gents could tell me that straight up!

    My best friend (since 199 is one of my BMs. She has been dating (on and off) the same guy since 2000 (I've known the guy since kindergarten). During college, I was at a party and saw him inappropriately dancing with another girl (he knew I was there, seeing him do this) and watched as he led the girl up to his room by the hand (this was at his frat house). What an a$$. So here I am, having to tell my best friend that I saw the guy she has spent the last 4 years with cheating on her. (I wasn't the only one who saw him being inappropriate - others actually caught them in the act).

    Although I didn't want to tell her because I knew it would break her heart, I did...because that is what a friend is suppose to do in this situation. She immediately loses her mind and calls him cussing him out (in front of me). Of course, he tells her it isn't true and that I am lying to her - she believes HIM. She takes him back. (After this he "accidentally" falls asleep in this same girl's room and hangs out with her frequently - and my BFF knows this).

    From that point on, she had no trust in him (obviously!!). She began logging on to his facebook/myspace accounts, so she could keep track of his every move. Obviously me telling her and her taking his side, didn't do much good for our friendship - but I stuck by her side.

    Fast-forward to last year. While she is stalking him online, she keeps finding inappropriate messages to a girl he knows through his bartending job. She doesn't let him know that she knows this, but tries to get him to admit it in other ways. Finally after a night of drinking, she admits knowing his passwords, etc...and he won't talk to her for weeks. So she is through with him. Riiight. They are now back together...again. It has been 9 years now of this. And it has happened more than what I have explained.

    So I invited her to my DW. She was planning to room with my sister (my MOH) and my other best friend (my other BM). We are all very close, so it was going to be a lot of fun for them to room together.

    She told me yesterday that her boyfriend now wants to come to my wedding. WHAT? Why would he want to come to my wedding? I have not spoken a word to him since I told her he cheated on her and he doesn't know Will or any of his friends. Why would he want to come to my wedding? You would think that she would realize this and not ask him to go - why would she do that?

    Ok, venting over

    #2 Banana11

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      Posted 20 February 2009 - 03:04 PM

      Holy crap I would be annoyed and hurt! She is thinking about herself wanting to spend time with her crazy bf and not your feelings as her friend. It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart talk with her. Something like I really love you and want you at my wedding but I would be uncomfortable with your bf there and see what she says.

      #3 sunsetbride1

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        Posted 20 February 2009 - 03:06 PM

        Oooofff... that is a tough one!

        IMHO, I very much believe in the old adage; 'you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink'. I am very big on being completely honest with my friends about everything. That being said, if they don't take my advice and choose to stay with someone that is wrong for them; it's my turn to suck it up and deal. Then be there for them when the inevitable end comes.

        If your BFF feels strongly about bringing him knowing your objections and he won't completely ruin your wedding for you; then maybe its better just to let it slide/avoid the drama.

        If it is going to really bother you to have him there; then talk to her about it. As your BFF, she should respect your wishes and understand.

        Given their history and the fact that she knows your feelings about him.. honestly I am a bit shocked that she would think to bring him. Personally, IMHO, that's just not being the best friend in the world.

        Well, that's my 2 cents. Hang in there.

        #4 KatyKo

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          Posted 20 February 2009 - 04:38 PM

          Thank you girls. I agree that she should realize him being there is awkward for me. I have sucked it up and been there for her every time he has hurt her. For now, I'm just going to let it be. I did tell her that I am surprised he would want to come, considering his feelings about me (since I did tell her about his cheating)...we'll see how this goes...

          If he ends up there, I'm not going to let him ruin my time, I just want to avoid her drama as much as possible.

          #5 JUSTUSTWO

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            Posted 20 February 2009 - 04:45 PM

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by sunsetbride1
            IMHO, I very much believe in the old adage; 'you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink'. I am very big on being completely honest with my friends about everything. That being said, if they don't take my advice and choose to stay with someone that is wrong for them; it's my turn to suck it up and deal. Then be there for them when the inevitable end comes.

            If your BFF feels strongly about bringing him knowing your objections and he won't completely ruin your wedding for you; then maybe its better just to let it slide/avoid the drama.

            If it is going to really bother you to have him there; then talk to her about it. As your BFF, she should respect your wishes and understand.
            I agree with this! I also think she obvioulsy hasn't had enough of his behaviour & won't leave him until she's completely done.

            Also, considering that he sounds like a real jerk, I think he probably wants to go cuz its DR!!! He probably thinks its gonna be a great vacation for him & doesn't really want to go cuz its your wedding. KNIW?

            Either way, I do think you should voice your opinion & let her know how you really feel if you don't want him there. Afterall, its YOUR wedding!
            Hope this works out!

            #6 Hartyt509

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              Posted 20 February 2009 - 06:19 PM

              Personally I'd tell her a big fat NO and if she couldn't deal with it she wouldn't be going either lol

              You know he's gonna do everything in his power to piss you off and he is bound to cheat on her,she is going to come crying to you and your wedding is screwed!

              I hope not but you never know - there again i'm not very pliable lol

              #7 Hartyt509

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                Posted 20 February 2009 - 06:19 PM

                Personally I'd tell her a big fat NO and if she couldn't deal with it she wouldn't be going either lol

                You know he's gonna do everything in his power to piss you off and he is bound to cheat on her,she is going to come crying to you and your wedding is screwed!

                I hope not but you never know - there again i'm not very pliable lol

                #8 sunset78

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                  Posted 20 February 2009 - 06:47 PM

                  Hmm.. that is a toughie.

                  But yeah, he is going because he probably wants to party in the DR and chase after women in bikinis... And how is she going to handle him oogling other women, and possibly have something happen down there?

                  He isn't going to give a rat's @ss that it's your wedding.

                  And if (more than likely when) the drama starts up... who do you think is going to be dragged into it? And even moreso, say you don't "help" her, what happens then?

                  Do you really need the possibility of crying, the yelling, the name calling going on between them in front of you and your family?

                  #9 sunset78

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                    Posted 20 February 2009 - 06:49 PM

                    I would be honest and say I don't like him, I don't trust him, and I just don't want him there.

                    #10 MarieSam

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                      Posted 20 February 2009 - 06:54 PM

                      Ugh, my best friend spent about 6 years of her life dealing with a guy like that and yes it was frustrating to see her stress over someone who was clearly not worth it. Sadly, you really can't do anything but wait for them to come to their senses ~ she finally did after she realized the cheating was cyclical and it would never end.

                      I say that you try and tell your BF that this is your day and you want only people with good vibes that you get along with there. She has to understand if anything how important this time is for you ~ this is honestly the one day we (brides and grooms) get to be selfish!




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