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He wants to postpone! Overreacting or Valid? ... (pretty long)

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#1 Kla.Kari

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    Posted 19 October 2008 - 10:56 AM

    Ladies (and Gents please chime in), I need help figuring out what to do and how to handle this.

    Yesterday, my FI and I were on our way to dinner when he said let's go to Bennigans. As we drove, I started to think about what I like to eat there and it reminded me of some occasions when I had eaten there (including some times with my ex - whom FI hates). Then he said, I can't wait to have the Monte Cristo (which happened to be my ex's favorite Bennigans meal). So I said, 'wow, that was [ex's name]'s favorite meal too'; FI said 'I just lost my appetite'. I realize I probably could've kept that comment to myself, but I honestly didn't think his reaction would be this horrid. We still went to dinner (not at Bennigans cuz for some reason they are closed), but I ended up the only one eating, and the only one talking.

    After dinner (on our way home) FI finally speaks up. He says that when I made that comment there was too much pleasure in my voice and on my face, like I was reflecting on a fond memory. This indicated to him that I still had love for my ex. To quote him exactly "you still hold a torch for him". Mind you, I knew my ex for 10 years, dated for 6 1/2 of those (three years here, two years there, etc.); I think I am bound to have some fond memories. FI also demanded that I get rid of any and everything that ex gave me, because a man "doesn't want another mans [explative] in his house". He has since removed my photo album from its resting place (and into the back of a closet) because there are a few pictures of my ex in there. Out of 200+ photos, only a few are pix of the ex that he hates because he feels that said ex "screwed me over and damaged his wife, the woman he is supposed to spend the rest of his life with".

    He doesn't understand how or why I can forgive my ex for all the negative things that happened between us, and move on to reflect on memories fondly. I told him, that is what forgiveness is. I haven't forgotten what happened, but that doesn't mean I need to hold an eternal grudge. He says I must feel that way because I am still in love with my ex, and he can't marry me knowing that. FI says he sees something that I can't see or don't want to see and he wants my whole heart, even the tiny little specs that are my past loves.

    He says he wants to postpone the wedding until I can guarantee him 100% of my heart, because that is what he gives to me. I can't guarantee something like that. Yes I love him with all my heart, and I have come to expect life with him in it; I am just not the kind of girl to promise something I don't know if I can deliver. And now he says that he will not marry me if I can't do that.

    Am I being unreasonable? Is he blowing this out of proportion? What am I supposed to do?!

    I'm sad, scared, and heartbroken by all this.
    Courtesy of Josh Brown Photography

    Pigeon Island, St. Lucia
    April 11, 2009Simply Beautiful

    #2 lscilley

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      Posted 19 October 2008 - 11:12 AM

      Wow that's a tough situation your FI is feeling very threatened right now and maybe postponing is the best idea for now until you guys have more time to sort everything out. I do understand still caring for your ex as I am in a similar situation and I threw out alot of stuff from my ex and the few pics I wanted to keep not because of who's in them but because of where the pics were taken I have put away in an album just for memories. Also if you don't think you can give him 100% of your heart maybe there is something you don't see maybe you are still carrying more for your ex than you realize it took me a long time to realize that I was doing that. I told myself I would never say yes to the FI asking me to marry him until I knew that my ex was out of my heart in that way. We are still friends and It took my ex taking advatage of our friendship for me to realize that everything in life happens for a reason and that is why me and my ex are not together because we are not supposed to be. I am with a man who is so caring and loving and would never do half the stuff my ex did to me. If you ever need to talk you can PM me anytime cause I can very much relate to your situation.

      #3 tvt

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        Posted 19 October 2008 - 11:46 AM

        sounds to me like he wants to be reassured that you love him, want to be with him, etc. and this is his way of calling out and asking for that affection/attention.

        #4 DLyteful

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          Posted 19 October 2008 - 01:26 PM

          To me, marriage is about giving %100 of myself body & heart. I can without a doubt say that my husband has everything of me. And I believe I have %100 of him. I dont think we would be married If I thought anything less. With that being said I think I was in your reverse position. I demanded that My husband be sure I have %100 and there is absolutly no remove for his ex even as a friend. I cant say its right, buts its how I feel and am and it was for my husband to decide if he wanted it or not..... I guess he did cause were married.

          I know this is hard for you, I had a hard time when I was the one in your FI position, thinking if I was being insecure, or unreasonable. But no matter how much time I myself gave, or tried to see a different side, my feelings on the position never changed. And I made sure my husband knew how I felt and what my expectations were. So, I think its up to you, are you willing to let go of that part of your life to move foward with your FI? Or do you think his request is unreasonable and he can either be more secure in your relationship as it is. I dont think either are wrong, but I do think both are very hard. But thats what marriage and relationships are all about.

          I wish all the best for you and your FI. What is meant to be will be.

          #5 Kla.Kari

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            Posted 20 October 2008 - 12:14 AM

            Ladies, thank you very much for your insight.

            I really have no feelings for my ex other than the memories; I and my ex don't keep in touch at all. I am glad I can look back on some things and smile (those very things used to make me cry). I love my future husband with all my heart, and it hurt that he didn't believe that.

            My FI and I sat down for a very long discussion today. He realized that he was so adamant about this because of something that happened in his previous marriage; he didn't want a repeat. He needed reassurance about us and the love I have for him (Tara, you were right on point). So, we got to the bottom of it and I did my best to ease his worries. In the meantime I will be searching my heart for any traces of my ex that I may not realize exist, and dealing with them.

            When I told my FI that I agreed we should postpone the wedding until he felt comfortable, he said he never really wanted to postpone. His exact words "I have wanted to be married to you since three days after we met; do you really think I want to put it off any longer!". I love him so much. I just need to be much more sensitive to what is going on with him.

            Again, thank you for your thoughts. I will be sure to remember the great advice you've given as we proceed through these pre-wedding, wedding, and post-wedding adventures.
            Courtesy of Josh Brown Photography

            Pigeon Island, St. Lucia
            April 11, 2009Simply Beautiful

            #6 Hartyt509

            • Sr. Member
            • 2,262 posts

              Posted 20 October 2008 - 05:55 AM

              God blokes drive me nuts lol

              I'm glad its worked out for you tho and you handled it so much better than I would have lol

              When I met FI I told him my friends were my friends and they would never be replaced, boyfriends could be and he understood that. One of my ex's that I now love like a brother is still in my life but FI hates him. My only concession is I won't invite him to the wedding (I wouldn't trust him not to shout don't do it either lol) but he is in my life and he accepts it or doesn't. I'm marrying FI not the Ex.

              FI has loads of good friends that are female, and probably some are ex's but I'm not bothered - he comes home to me lol

              Just don't mention the ex - if a thought comes in your head sit on it lol

              #7 lscilley

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                Posted 20 October 2008 - 07:44 AM

                I'm glad everything is working out for you guys.

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