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My FI says "he is feeling trapped"...


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#161 Dez921714

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    Posted 08 July 2008 - 12:56 PM

    UGH, I had this whole thing written, then it went away...so lets try again...

    Thanks for all the support ladies! You have no idea how much it means to me!!

    Rachel, I'm definately going to get that book. Maybe after I read it, FI will.

    He's been being super nice to me. It might be because he knows he was a schmomo or it's because my birthday is Monday or it's because of both reasons. But there's a band I love and he said if they go on tour anywhere on the east (about 6 hr driving limit) to get tickets and we can make a weekend out of it. He normally doesn't suggest or want to do things like that.

    I know the change isn't permanent. People on change temporarly when they HAVE to and as soon as they get comfortable they go right back to being themselves. The only time someone changes is because THEY want to.

    I am still going to go to a couselor. While I love him and want to be with him and have kids with him, I'm having some doubt now about if I want to raise children in this kind of a household and he KNOWS that I want kids.

    One day at a time! Everything happens for a reason and works out in the long run...even if it suckes in the short term.

    In general though, right now, things are good :)
    http://ticker.7910.o....25vdCBpbiA.gif27 Confirmed with Plane Tickets...5 with rooms booked!

    150 INVITES / 6 YES / 13 NO

    #162 DanielleNDerek

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      Posted 08 July 2008 - 01:14 PM

      i'm glad your going to counseling Dez and what you said about people changing is so true.
      ***Married November 6, 2008***Gavin Born February 28th, 2010***
      Paradisus Palma Real Wedding Review
      Our Professional Wedding Pictures on Snapfish

      #163 Mandy

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        Posted 08 July 2008 - 07:02 PM

        Dez, if you're not 100% sure, remember there's absolutely nothing wrong with postponing your wedding for a while. It's not the same as walking away, it's just a chance to work things out BEFORE you get married. It may give you time to fall completely in love with each other, or you may decide that this isn't how you want to spend the rest of your life. I suggest you take this time and not have to work under the deadline of the impending marriage.

        #164 JennyK

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          Posted 08 July 2008 - 07:27 PM

          I hope counseling works for you. I'm happy to see you are ok now but it's hard to really see a longterm change this early.

          #165 Dez921714

          Dez921714
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            Posted 09 July 2008 - 09:44 AM

            His sister told me yesterday that I'm honestly the only girlfriend of his who doesn't deserve the crap he puts me thorough.

            I mented something about cleaning yesterrday and he was like "you still haven't made that list". I told him that I did have it made, but he didn't want to see it so I left him be. When we got home I gave it to him and he was like "you only put my name next to like 5 things" me "yeah, but they're big things" him "give me the pen" and then he crossed my name off a few things and assigned them to himself.

            Lets see how long this lasts LOL

            We were at his parnts last night for dinner with his sister and mom and on the way home he was getting upset with the situation there (dad living in the basement and hasn't spoken to FSIL since Feb, and FMIL for about 4 weeks). He said that he tried to explain to his dad how the is affecting EVERYONE including us even though we don't live there, but he just ignores it. It's funny because he was listing all the reasons his mom complained about his dad...didn't dust, didn't clean this right or that right...and FI went on to say that's how he is, you don't like it you do it...I just gave his sister a look and she laughed. He was saying the same thing in the car on the way home and I just looked at him and he was like "don't turn this around on me, it's different" because he KNOWS that it's exactly the same thing!!!

            Ok, I think I'm done rambling for now
            http://ticker.7910.o....25vdCBpbiA.gif27 Confirmed with Plane Tickets...5 with rooms booked!

            150 INVITES / 6 YES / 13 NO

            #166 Celina

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              Posted 09 July 2008 - 10:14 AM

              Hopefully he'll see his ways in his fathers situation and will have a revelation!
              "Love is not who you live with...it's who you can't live without"

              #167 DanielleNDerek

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                Posted 09 July 2008 - 10:19 AM

                Well it sounds like he is putting in some effort now.
                ***Married November 6, 2008***Gavin Born February 28th, 2010***
                Paradisus Palma Real Wedding Review
                Our Professional Wedding Pictures on Snapfish

                #168 cutierosie

                cutierosie
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                  Posted 09 July 2008 - 03:37 PM

                  Dez, honey I had no idea you were going through this!!! I am soooo very sorry to hear you are having some problems.

                  At the end of the day, every relationship goes through ups and downs, and only you know if this is the right thing for you. I agree with people that say that you shouldn't worry about the people that have spent money etc, this is your life, worth more than any amounts money .

                  As I mentioned in my MP thread a while ago, my FI and I also had problems with him telling me i was obsessing over the wedding. At that time I told him he may be right, but he obsesses over other things like baseball, so to let me be and I would let him be...and that he should love me for who I am even if I am obsessed with the wedding (which I am not, in fact I didn't even want one but for him asking for one). Since the day I told him that he was sooo nice, even telling me he was going to pay for most of the wedding and that he would let me choose whatever I wanted (within the budget of course)...I hope he doesn't take that back LOL

                  As far as the cleaning thing, I am not rich by any means, but before I moved in with my FI, I told him we had to work out the cleaning situation and we both came to an agreement that we would hire a cleaning lady to come every 15 days. That has worked well, I am not saying it is perfect, but it has helped the situation regarding the cleaning.

                  Counseling helps for sure as you have an outsider that looks in and takes a neutral position.

                  I would like for you to be happy, so whatever decision you make I am confident you will make the right one, and everyone that cares for you will stand by your decision...after all, it is you who will live with the decisions, so you should make the decision based on what you think is right regardless of what everyone else thinks.

                  I am glad to hear things are better with your FI, and wish you the best of luck!

                  #169 Dez921714

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                    Posted 09 July 2008 - 03:49 PM

                    Quote:
                    Originally Posted by cutierosie
                    Dez, honey I had no idea you were going through this!!! I am soooo very sorry to hear you are having some problems.

                    At the end of the day, every relationship goes through ups and downs, and only you know if this is the right thing for you. I agree with people that say that you shouldn't worry about the people that have spent money etc, this is your life, worth more than any amounts money .

                    As I mentioned in my MP thread a while ago, my FI and I also had problems with him telling me i was obsessing over the wedding. At that time I told him he may be right, but he obsesses over other things like baseball, so to let me be and I would let him be...and that he should love me for who I am even if I am obsessed with the wedding (which I am not, in fact I didn't even want one but for him asking for one). Since the day I told him that he was sooo nice, even telling me he was going to pay for most of the wedding and that he would let me choose whatever I wanted (within the budget of course)...I hope he doesn't take that back LOL

                    As far as the cleaning thing, I am not rich by any means, but before I moved in with my FI, I told him we had to work out the cleaning situation and we both came to an agreement that we would hire a cleaning lady to come every 15 days. That has worked well, I am not saying it is perfect, but it has helped the situation regarding the cleaning.

                    Counseling helps for sure as you have an outsider that looks in and takes a neutral position.

                    I would like for you to be happy, so whatever decision you make I am confident you will make the right one, and everyone that cares for you will stand by your decision...after all, it is you who will live with the decisions, so you should make the decision based on what you think is right regardless of what everyone else thinks.

                    I am glad to hear things are better with your FI, and wish you the best of luck!
                    Awe :) Thanks! You gave me that "warm fuzzy" feeling.

                    I think things will be fine, and you're right...I'm the only one who can choose what's right for me.

                    Time will tell...one day at a time :)

                    This board has been a life saver!
                    http://ticker.7910.o....25vdCBpbiA.gif27 Confirmed with Plane Tickets...5 with rooms booked!

                    150 INVITES / 6 YES / 13 NO

                    #170 Mrs.B

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                      Posted 08 February 2010 - 03:07 PM

                      This is a heartfelt situation that I hope I will be able to avoid.




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