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My FH is ruining my dream wedding ... how do I compromise?


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#21 khomac

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    Posted 10 July 2010 - 06:13 PM

    There has to be a misunderstanding somewhere. Maybe he's thinking of a very formal traditional wedding. I don't know, something sounds off. Destination weddings have a different feel. There's more socializing and it doesn't take all night. They are beautiful, yet still casual. Try to tell him it's more like a private party in the Dominican because really, that's what it is!

    Try changing your tone with him. Like the other girls said it's not just about your dream. Respect his choices, and calmly tell him what you'd like. I think you guys can compromise. Do you know other people who have done a DW? Maybe having him talk about things with them would change his mind.
    Kelly & Pablo

    http://www.michaelsteingard.com
    Michael and Phil Steingard are located in Ontario, but travel to Punta Cana quite often during the year. There is a good chance they will be down already during your wedding week, so this will cut travel costs

    #22 Mrs. Williams

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      Posted 10 July 2010 - 06:48 PM

      I like all of these ideas. Ladies, please understand that I know this wedding is about both of us; however, I needed a catchy title that would entice people to reply to give me some help and advice.

      I have tried speaking with him in a calm manner but it's difficult to compromise when his sisters are in his other ear telling him that it doesn't make sense to have the kind of wedding I want in the DR instead of here. They believe that the wedding should be simple and no frills. I just don't believe that. His compromise with me now is that if I tone it down a bit and not try to spend so much money ($14,000, not including honeymoon), that he would give me the wedding of my dreams for our 10 year anniversary.

      Now what do I do?

      #23 starchild

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        Posted 10 July 2010 - 06:58 PM

        Okay first of all his sister's opinion does not matter and if he is listening to her to make life decisions you've got a whole different problem to address for years to come. She needs to respectfully mind her own business!

        As for what to do - decide how important a DW is to you, what you value about it the most and what you can do without. It sounds like he is trying to compromise and give you what you want when it is feasible to spend $14k, in 10 years. For now he wants a simple (read: inexpensive) wedding. I get it.

        IMO $14k is a lot to spend on a DW when I know people (including myself) who did it for well under $10k.

        What is it that is costing so much? You mentioned the reception for 60 people being $1250. That is more than reasonable, but what accounts for the other $13k?

        #24 Mrs. Williams

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          Posted 10 July 2010 - 08:05 PM

          Actually, we are expecting approximately 100 people to come. I got the budget from The Knot. The numbers are likely to change, however, I based it on $10,000 and I forgot to include our stay in the budget. As it stands, I blew the STD budget with the luggage tags ( I REALLY wanted them to look nice). I promised him that I would take a look at the budget and make some changes. Also, the photographer is costing us approximately $1500-2000 because we're bringing the guy who did our engagement pictures. We may come in around $10,000 reasonably. However, I think he wants to spend like $5,000 and at this point, that's just not happening.

          I really want to compromise and I'm trying, which is why I have promised to look at some stuff, see what's really important to me and cave on what's not. As far as his sisters are concerned, they are really close and they give their opinion on everything and he values it. I've dealt with this for the last 6 years. They mean well and we usually heed their advice but we do, in the end, make our own decisions.

          #25 starchild

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            Posted 10 July 2010 - 09:09 PM

            I understand about the photographer so I think it's okay to keep him, his cost is fair. Also, when you say you're expecting 100 people - have that many responded to save the dates? Or is that your guest list?

            Most of us will tell you that a lot of the people who say they are coming don't, even the ones who rsvp with a yes. So you may come in under your per person estimate based on who actually ends up booking, which could mean coming in under $10k.

            The luggage tags are done so no use worrying about that money. Find something else you can cut and cut it. That's the only way I see this working so that you are both happy, unless you are going to pay the difference out of your own personal money so that he can't complain about spending his. Good luck!

            #26 Mrs. Williams

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              Posted 10 July 2010 - 09:17 PM

              Thanks Starchild. The 100 is a guestimate based on the number if invitations we sent out (200). We understand that everyone won't or can't make it, so I am hoping that we will come in under 100 guests. We decided to have a destination wedding because our families are too large to host one in the States for under $10,000.

              I really hope that we can make it happen. I love him dearly and I want to give him what he wants but I also want to get a lot of what I want. I don't want to look back at our wedding and think I caved on too much and regret any part of it.

              #27 jajajaja

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                Posted 10 July 2010 - 09:55 PM

                Jamy- I'm amazed that your wedding was well under $10k! Are you counting your honeymoon in there? Just curious- because I know our weddings should have been comparable and ours was around $14k and I didn't think I splurged too much- well other than LC. About $4k of ours was the two week stay and airfare.

                Mrs. Williams- 100 guests seem like a lot to keep a lower budget. Maybe you can reduce some guests to save- or not if that's not negotiable for you guys. We have a budget thread on here. Check that out and it might give you a better idea of what everyone spent.

                Morgan did a lot of DYI and had a great wedding for a really affordable price. Maybe check out her planning thread to see some ideas that might help you get all the details that you want in the wedding, but at a price that your FI approves of.
                Happily married since 2008

                #28 Mrs. Williams

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                  Posted 10 July 2010 - 10:24 PM

                  Thanks Rachel. Who is Morgan and where can I find her threads? I saw the budget thread and it got me feeling like $14,000 is not reasonable for 100 guests, which by the way is not a negotiable number unless they decide not to show.

                  #29 starchild

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                    Posted 10 July 2010 - 10:33 PM

                    Quote:
                    Originally Posted by *Rachel*
                    Jamy- I'm amazed that your wedding was well under $10k! Are you counting your honeymoon in there? Just curious- because I know our weddings should have been comparable and ours was around $14k and I didn't think I splurged too much- well other than LC. About $4k of ours was the two week stay and airfare.
                    No! I had a strictly wedding budget and that was a few thousand under $10k...the honeymoon was separate because we went somewhere else and I didn't consider it part of the DW.

                    Maybe you had more guests than we did? Or maybe you did extra stuff at LC that we didn't? We kept it super simple...Mrs. Williams' fiance would love me LOL

                    #30 Mrs. Williams

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                      Posted 10 July 2010 - 11:03 PM

                      Jamy, what did you do for your wedding? Maybe I can borrow your simple ideas.




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