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An unwelcomed guest I invited...


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#11 Maura

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Posted 26 October 2008 - 08:12 PM

and how old are you now? (just trying to establish how long your dad has been holding onto this and can't let it go)

have you tried talking to him about it? like done everything you could to repair the relationship from your end so that you cant be made the bad guy? how do your siblings feel about the lack of relationship you have with your father?

#12 MrsFisher2B

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    Posted 26 October 2008 - 08:14 PM

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ayita
    If your father is capable of saying negative things about you to your BIL's family, he will be capable of doing the same with your FI' family... What you tell of your father reminds me of my maternal grandmother, who told my paternal grandmother all kinds of horrible things about my mother... no need to say my grandmother is not invited to my wedding.

    I don't know why you sent the STD in the first place... maybe you're still trying to have this relationship "work".. after all he's your father. But you have to decide on what you really want.

    - If you don't invite him, then it's now "open war" no matter how you explain this to him or your siblings (although some of them will probably be able to understand). It will probably jeopardize anything left of your relationship to your father. At the same time, you know that you won't have to suffer drama and bad-mouthing about you at your own wedding. You'll be able to enjoy the whole thing instead of worrying every time you will see him talking to somebody else.

    - If you invite him, then you're probably safe on the family side, but how will you live your wedding ? Plus, will this actually improve the family situation as it is today ? Not sure.

    If this was me, I would definitely not invite him. I would call him and tell him everything on my heart - what I overheard, what I know - and tell him I don't want to take the chance that he ruins MY day. If your relations are already bad enough that he bad mouthes you with your BIL family, well, it will just give him more to talk about... and this time at least there will be some truth in it. Some of your siblings might understand, others not... that will definitely make it difficult. But I know I'm a strong person and I can go through that for the sake of my quietness. I don't know what's your story, so think about what you know you can take, what are your limits...

    A good question to ask yourself is what is more important : you and your wedding, or your siblings and your relationship to them (if they are the true reason why you sent the STD in the first place).
    I can see your points and I understand each side of them. I am confused about a decision because I partially feel bad for him because he doesn't have a family, all he has is my sister and brothers but in the same sentence, he shouldn't have his 'family time' on my time. I do regret sending him the STD, but I also do not want to deal with the hassel my sibs would have given me, and I wouldn't be surprised if they lost respect for me if I didn't invite him. I guess I could always say he did not reply in time and our confirmed guests took up the # of spots we reserved. I don't know yet. I just know he would bash me at my wedding and I invited him with certainty that he would not come... I was certain because of him not wanting anything to do with family things, how he never wanted to go on family trips, and he is the opposite of the "beach type"... among many other reasons I thought for sure he wouldn't go. The other side of this is that he could be bluffing.. knowing that the word would get back to me and make me uncomfortable. Who knows. I am a strong person and I fight for my way... you're right, I have to weight what it more important and because my siblings have not been there for me either 9since I had my son), it's looking a lot more attractive to have the time of my life at my wedding with no worries. That makes so much more sense. Thanks for your input!

    #13 MrsFisher2B

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      Posted 26 October 2008 - 08:20 PM

      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Maura
      and how old are you now? (just trying to establish how long your dad has been holding onto this and can't let it go)

      have you tried talking to him about it? like done everything you could to repair the relationship from your end so that you cant be made the bad guy? how do your siblings feel about the lack of relationship you have with your father?
      I am 23 now, my son just turned 7. Because we weren't close, at all, to begin with (pre-pregnancy), it's hard to salvage a relationship that didn't really exist in the first place. I always blame it on the fact that he stated a looong time ago that he only wanted 2 kids and my mom "convinced" him to have 2 more, me being the last. So he wasn't too involved with myself and my brother. I have gone to Christmas at his house for the past few years but last year was the only time he said boo to me and it was only to ask how I earn a living. But you have a point that I could be made out to be the bad guy because I was at home the longest and he acts differently infront of other people, so my 2 older siblings never really saw how he treated us. I don't feel they truly understand, or they choose to live with how he acts only for the sake that he is their only father.

      Ahh...sorry this has gotten so heavy!

      #14 adias.angel

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        Posted 26 October 2008 - 08:21 PM

        Quote:
        Originally Posted by MrsFisher2B
        We do not have a relationship ever since I had my son... at age 16. I can understand how parents have tons of emotions when their child comes home pregnant; however, I have done well for myself. I am the only one in my family who has gone to university, and I am not finishing my Master's degree. I actually took care of my son and I did not go out and party like the stereotypical "teen mom". Needless to say, he has failed to see how positively my son has impacted my life.


        I know how this can be. My mother became pregnant with my sister at 16 also and to this day my Grandmother will not let her live it down.

        I hate to say there is only one solution to the problem. You need to confront him on it. Be honest and let him know that if he can't behave himself at your wedding you will have another one of your guests escort him for the area. You will be amazed at how quick that loud talking will stop when you call him out on it. Hope that helps, Carla

        #15 MrsFisher2B

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          Posted 26 October 2008 - 08:27 PM

          Quote:
          Originally Posted by adias.angel


          I know how this can be. My mother became pregnant with my sister at 16 also and to this day my Grandmother will not let her live it down.

          I hate to say there is only one solution to the problem. You need to confront him on it. Be honest and let him know that if he can't behave himself at your wedding you will have another one of your guests escort him for the area. You will be amazed at how quick that loud talking will stop when you call him out on it. Hope that helps, Carla
          Aw, does it still cause tension between your grandmother and your mom? I agree with you. If he were to come and I allow it, I would definitely tell him that there will be eyes and ears open and he will be asked to leave if there is any disrespect. It's just sad that it would have to come down to it.

          #16 Hartyt509

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            Posted 27 October 2008 - 09:22 AM

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by MrsFisher2B
            haha! If I had the guts to do that at my sister's wedding I totally would have! I know 100% my siblings would give me grief for not inviting him, which is why I felt pressure to do so. I mean, my dad and I even work in the same building and I avoid him at all costs (we are on seperate floors so it's not too hard to avoid him). One time I ran into him and he didn't even say hi. So, yeah, I like your idea about being honest. He does not talk to me so I know he won't have the guts to call me up and tell me if he's coming, and he does not answer the phone when I call. might be easier to talk to an answering machine anyway! Thanks for the input!
            Mine isn't guts its knee jerk reaction lol too much red in my hair ;-)

            If you have brought up your child on your own and managed to get a degree then you have more guts than 90% of the people in this world because that is a tough job chick.

            You have to follow your heart its the only way you can be true to yourself - there is no point in kicking yourself 2 years down the line because you didn't do it. People are either supportive or they aren't that's their problem. As long as you have peace with yourself FI and your little one screw everyone else lol

            You've managed amazingly well without their support, don't take their crap!! xx

            #17 adias.angel

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              Posted 27 October 2008 - 10:27 AM

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by MrsFisher2B
              Aw, does it still cause tension between your grandmother and your mom?
              Actually there is, it has never went away. My grandmother even moved onto my mothers property and is being taken care of by her.

              The one time my mom gave my grandmother a good yelling at though she sure kept quite for a while. It was right after my dad died and she pushed my mom over the edge. I think in the end my mom let her know how everything was making her feel was a good step forward.

              I am thinking if you give you dad a good talking to that he will keep his mouth shut, at least until after the wedding. You don't want to let it all bottle up inside until the wedding and explode the way my mom did. Pressure kind of does that to everyone.




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