Venting - 15y/o dauter (sorry - long)

[meandpaul]

I apologize, probably gonna be long. Need to vent but any suggestions/advice is welcome.

 

I have a 15 y/o daughter (10th grade). She has a boyfriend who has a jealous ex-girlfriend. This ex keeps harassing my daughter, telling the bf that she sees my daughter kissing other boys at lunch (all of them at same school, just different lunch times). The dumb bf then questions my daughter's integrity (the lie is ridiculous). Yes, my daughter has more male friends than female (because teenage girls can be back-stabbing liers) and she was this way when she and bf STARTED "dating". My daughter has gone to the assist. principal (twice) with nothing accomplished. The 2nd time, he asked if the bf talks to other girls, my daughter responded "no". He asked if she talked to other guys, she responded "yes". Then he actually told my daughter to STOP TALKING TO OTHER GUYS! (talking, as in being friendly, not dating or flirting, strictly platonic) The nerve of this jerk to think that she should stop talking to guys. She doesnt dictate who her bf talks to, he does talk to girls (mutual friends between himself and my daughter). The problem is not her talking to other guys. The problem is this ex-gf and her group of hoodlums constantly harassing her all day at school and administrators doing NOTHING! (Isnt this one reason that some kids go on shooting rampages??) My daughter doesnt want to fight this girl (although could, she is a 4th degree brown belt in karate) over some boy.

 

Additionally, my dilema is: (1) at what point do I make her stop seeing this boy - I know I have no control at school (unless I send her to a different school, which is a possibility) but I do at home?

(2) Am I insane to think that the remark by the principal extremely inappropriate? If not, what do I do about it?

(3) Legally, there is nothing that I can do, but how do I help my child? She comes home sad and depressed...all because of this one little b****. (I know she is only 15, but someone has let this girl think that her behavior is okay). UGHHHHH! Thanks for letting me get this out.

[A10CalGal]

Yay, someone else with teenager problems!!

 

I would honestly say that your daughter needs to back away from the whole boyfriend thing. Yes, teenage girls are HORRIBLE! And, there is not much to do about it. Not having a boyfriend can stop a lot of the drama. I don't think the principal is any position to do anything. This is a social issue. As a parent, you can only listen & advise & watch out for things that are getting in the way of being successful at school.

 

Good luck!

[Christine]

I am answering from a high school teacher perspective so keep in mind that I am not a parent of a teenager.

Quote:

Originally Posted by meandpaul Additionally, my dilema is: (1) at what point do I make her stop seeing this boy - I know I have no control at school (unless I send her to a different school, which is a possibility) but I do at home? I have seen a lot of students do everything possible to defy their parents at school, so my advice on that would be to be open and communicative with your daughter about this and how it makes her feel. The minute you start telling her no she will start to do the exact opposite with this situation   (2) Am I insane to think that the remark by the principal extremely inappropriate? If not, what do I do about it? no you are not insane, this is beyond inappropriate and I think you might want to contact the guidance counselor, main principal and/or school social worker if you feel that you would like to take it to that level, but keep in mind that its one thing for her to go to the principal, but once the parent does it can be very embarrassing for the student and this might make her problem worse because if the principal calls the other student into the office and says that they spoke to you it makes your daughter look like a wimp (not that she is, but that is the way kids think) and things could get worse before they get better.   (3) Legally, there is nothing that I can do, but how do I help my child? She comes home sad and depressed...all because of this one little b****. (I know she is only 15, but someone has let this girl think that her behavior is okay). UGHHHHH! Thanks for letting me get this out. Keep in mind that all teenagers go through bouts of depression and anxiety over a variety of things, you wouldn't believe the things I see daily. By no means should your daughter have to deal with someone hurting her like this and I hope she will see that the guy should have done something about this long before it got to this point and while I know a teenager cannot see it when they are blinded by puppy love, but your daughter deserves better than someone who doesn't trust them but instead trusts a manipulative nasty girl who he is obviously not dating for some reason or another.

please let me know if you think of anything else, questions, concerns etc. but your daughter should not be treated like this by the boy, the girl, or the administration and yes something should be done before it ruins her 10th grade year.

[starchild]

Uggh..teenage love. When I was 15-16(and didn't need a stupid bf) I was with a real loser. After meeting him once my parents said I couldn't see him again. I thought they were soooo mean, never imagined my parents knew what they were talking about.

 

So, I started sneaking around to see him. This included sneaking out my bedroom window until I got caught. I had to keep my bedroom door open from then on so they could tell I didn't go out the window again. Then I started lying. Uh-huh.......I'm at my girlfriend's house, library, movies, all the classics. And I was with him. And I got caught a few times in those lies, but since they had to let me go to school I kept seeing this loser.

 

Painfully long story short, I stopped being with him. And this is the tough part (and the part I dread if I have a daughter) - my parents did all the right things and were powerless to stop it. They drove me to school, picked me up, and stayed involved like so many parents don't. It was just a life lesson I had to go through, I learned things I still apply in my life just from dealing with his disfunctional self.

 

In retrospect my parents did factor in my decision to stop seeing him. They raised me in a place of love and respect so I knew inside (but would never admit for some reason?) that I wasn't being treated right. I would hear my mom's voice in my head saying she doesn't like the way he treats me and it would crush me inside, because our family was close so that hurt too. When I got sick of being in a bad place it was eventually over.

 

All you can do is hug her and give her all the love she deserves. I know it breaks your heart but have faith in how you raised her and faith that she will come around. I'm so sorry (

[MikkiStreak]

Actually, all of last year, my 16 year old had this kind of problem. Audrey's boyfriend Aaron was being hounded by his ex-girlfriend--- she would write him notes, tell other kids they were getting back together, try to corner Aaron and make things look inappropriate so Audrey would get pissed and either fight her or leave Aaron.

 

Aaron tried taking the 'higher ground' by telling the ex flat out that he wasn't interested, he was not going to break up with Audrey and to leave him alone. This girl was a DRAMA QUEEN and really wouldn't give it up.

 

Here's how we handled the situation:

 

When it first became an issue (the girl trying to provoke Audrey), Audrey would start talking about it. I'd sit and listen without giving ANY kind of advice or opinion (talk about biting my tongue!!!). I'd ask questions to clarify the situation, but mostly let her vent and get the ideas out of her head. Eventually, she'd come around to asking me for my advice.

 

After everything she had told me over several weeks of episodes, I told Audrey what I thought: That any response this girl got from Aaron and Audrey was satisfying this girls need for Aaron's attention. And no matter what message they told the girl, simply SPEAKING to the girl in any manner was going to keep her coming back because she was only going to hear what she wanted to hear. Even when Aaron would be 'mean' to her and tell her to get lost, etc.... this girl kept coming back and trying to stir things up.

 

For the most part, Audrey knew what to do--- she just needed some subtle help translating that into reality.

 

For example: Kids hear all the time- "don't let her get to you"... or "don't get into a fight about it".... or "just ignore her".... but they don't always know how to make that a game plan.

 

So I'd ask Audrey questions that would put her in that situation: If she comes up to you tomorrow and says (insert some of the comments that had been made), what do you think you'll do? What if she keeps coming after you verbally? What would happen if you did (insert suggestion)?

 

It helped her in two ways--- first, it got her thinking in advance so that she wasn't responding with instincts (which aren't always good in kids), and it got her thinking about the consequences if she let herself get trapped into reacting to the other girl.

 

It took MONTHS for the situation to end. Audrey and Aaron both had to not only stop speaking to this girl in every form, but anytime the girls name came up in conversation with other kids, they had to stop the conversation and walk away because if this girl knew they were talking about her, it would keep the drama going.

 

As for discouraging Audrey to see Aaron, we didn't do that. At her age, I have to let her make her own decisions more and more, and just be there to help her be responsible for those decisions (including paying the consequences for bad decisions).

[meandpaul]

I love the feedback I am getting from all of you. I guess my main conern (after typing all of the issues and my brain having to dissect it) is that CJ will willingly go over to the ex and listen to what she has to say and the gets mad at Jas. He know that she lies (past behavior) yet he still second-guesses Jas' integrity and honesty. So now Jas is not putting any of the blame on CJ. Yeah, the girl is the one causing the problems but CJ is aiding this b/c he listens to the girl. Jas can not see that he is disrespecting her by doing this. I have tried to instill this self-respect thing in her and it breaks my heart that she seems to let him walk all over her. I want her to learn from her own mistakes but where is that very important line that she has to cross before I intervene? If it were drugs, I would know instantly to do something but these matters of the heart and growing-up....uh I am lost!

[MikkiStreak]

Maybe it's time to re-direct the conversation with Jas---- if she tells you that CJ is giving the time of day to this girl and then comes back and accuses her of (insert accusation).... how about asking her how she feels when he does that? What does she say back to him? What is driving her to stick it out and defend herself with CJ? etc....

 

 

Here's a book that has become like a bible for teens to me:

"Staying Connected to Your Teenager (How to keep them talking to you and how to hear what they're really saying)" by Michael Riera

 

There are a lot of good suggestions in the book that I've really had a lot of luck with where Audrey is concerned. It's really interesting because it relates a lot of teen behavior to their development, and how parents can work that in their favor to help their kids.

[starchild]

My mom still says my teenage years were the worst for her because of all the worry ( I can tell you this, I had other girlfriends in similar situations. Most of us snapped out of it but a few never did and to this day are in messed up situations with bad people. I'm talking about girls whose parents didn't know where they were and didn't ask. No curfews, no rules, no advice, etc.

 

I say that to say this - you are clearly an involved and concerned parent. I don't know where to draw the line so I know you are confused, but you may be doing all you can short of confining her which is unrealistic. People say it's bad to be your kid's friend but she is at a crucial age. You don't have to condone behavior you don't accept but I think preaching at her will distance her more, so just keep talking to her like you do. She will hear you even if she doesn't act on it right away. It's hard to be her age in 2007, just try to keep that in mind. Best wishes )