F-MIL part two

[LCBride2007]

Ok, wow. I really think Cain needs to talk to her - he needs to make her understand this is your house, and you can't be treated like this. Whether you should be there as well, I am not sure, maybe not. But it is so unfair of her to treat you like this, especially in your own home!

[Jackie]

Maybe you should just simply say. "Listen lady your making me uncomfortable in my own house, so either start treating me with respect or find somewhere else to stay for the next couple of months! I refuse to not feel comfortable entering my own home!"

This had gone to far Tammy, maybe this living situation is not going to work out. Time to nip this in the bud. Take control of the situation and still remain respectfull of her at the same time. Dont point a finger at her when you talk to her (it will only make her immiedietly defensive) just keep reminding her of how you are feeling right now and that those feelings need to be taken care of.

[destinationbride07]

I have not read part one but I will say that she should respect you guys home period. That is awful way for someone to treat someone when you are in THEIR home. Anywho just hold on for the next 2 months. I would double your kindness to her b.c. it seems she is acting out just to get you angry instead I would up her one (not in her mouth either lol ) and just smile with kindness. And yes get you a bottle of wine to prevent slapping her and knocking her teeth out. Maybe put some wine in her lol

[TammyB]

You guys I'm so sick to my stomach like this. I can't believe she is treating me like this. Im sure I'm not perfect, and I even pointed that out in my email but instead of her trying to work things out she choose to be extremly rude and seriously I felt she slapped me in the face. I'm almost in tears at work having to deal with this crap. I don't deserve this, and you would think at the very least she would be willing to make an effort for her sons behalf but instead she blew everything out of wack and made it 10x's worse.

[LCBride2007]

I agree - and I'd be in tears as well. I do think Cain needs to get involved now, he needs to make his mother understand he can't treat you, his future wife, this way, and especially not in your home.

 

Is she insecure and afraid you're going to take Cain away or something? I know some MILs get like that. Maybe Cain can make her understand that you are important to him, but so is she. There's room for both ladies in his life!

 

And honestly, if she doesn't change at all, maybe he needs to talk to her about alternate living arrangements. I guess it is only 2 more mos. - but still, it's not fair to you.

[Jackie]

Tammy, I'm so sorry. I hate any type of negative confrontations and that feeling in the pit of your stomach is the absolute worse. Try and sit back and relax for awhile. Really think about how you want to deal with this. You basically have 2 choices.

1. Apoligize for the way you have made her feel, play nice, and bite your tougne for the next 2 months.

2. What I said earlier. Stand up to her, WITH CAIN THERE, in a very respectfull mannor and just simply say that how you are feeling is not healthy and your privacey your home and your relationship with Cain needs to be respected.

 

If you do chose to say something, then I really do feel like Cain needs to be there. This way he is not getting second hand information from the two of you.

[gkashmira]

Tammy - I'n so sorry you are going through this!!! I know you feel terrible and I think that it's really horrible of her to do this - especially after she's been living with you.

 

However what I did want to point out is that email can be a bad way to communicate. A lot of times if you're angry at someone or you know someone is angry at you when you read the email you hear a rude tone of voice, or a coldness that may not exist in real life. Do you think it's possible that when she was reading your email she did this? I know I myself have been guilty of that. And then I got so mad and read it aloud to my FI and he was like, "Why are you reading it with that tone of voice?"

 

Anyway it's possible that she read your email in a different way than you wrote it. And it's also possible that she may not have meant her email as harshly as it came across.

 

Unfortunately you guys need to sit and talk or you risk ruining your future relationship. I would start with something like, "It's hard for three strong, smart, independant adults to live together. I love you and I want us to be able to communicate openly and honestly with each other. Family is very important to me and I knoe that it's important to you as well. What can we do together, all three of us, so we can stop arguing and enjoy our time with each other? Blah blah blah..."

 

I know it's SO hard to be calm and rational when you feel hurt like this. Take some time away - regroup - maybe go get lunch/dinner with a girlfriend and really work through it on your own. Then when all three of you sit down together you can be calm and kind. The key is to talk about how "we need to change because we love ewach other" rather than - "you did this and this" (though I know and agree that her behavior is wrong).

 

Also if Cain is there then your FMIL is more likely to act nicer and more receptive because I'm sure she doesn't want to hurt him as well. Lastly Cain should also say something to the effect of, "Ma, we love you. We are happy to have you here with us but you need to respect Tammy and her feelings as well. We are all a family now and it's important to me that you two get along."

 

Good luck! It's a horrible situation but I knwo you are strong and can get through it! Imagine - only 2 more months to go! The first time we talked about this there was like 6 - 8 months! You're so close

 

Hang in there and know that we all are here for you too!

[TammyB]

Maybe you guys are onto something... Maybe she is affraid of loosing Cain her only son/child and she'll be stuck home alone, no friends, no man in her life and a sister that is wrapped up in her upcoming wedding. So maybe she feels like she is going to loose him too. Maybe he does need to talk to her. I think after I work out I'll go and talk to Cain for a little bit about all this to see what he says. Maybe he needs to at least talk to her on the phone (since he's working a different shift) and let her know she's over reacting.

 

Man I wish I did drugs, I would totally be smoking it up right now if it did..

:-)

[TammyB]

Thanks Kash, Now to just deal with things being really tense at home until this weekend when were all home.

 

I had someone read the email I first sent her and they said it was actually quiet nice. (I kept saying I don't want to fight I want to work things out, that sort of thing)

 

We have a gym at work and I'm planning on de-stressing after work. Then since I work with Cain and he starts when I get off I'll go talk to him for a bit about all of this. I just feel so bad for him here he is working long, bad hours, trying to save money for our wedding and in the mean time his mother and FI are arguing. I'm sure it's very stressful for him.

[gkashmira]

Don't worry - you guys will work it out! Maybe you're ont ot something. It's sort of like a bad little kid that really is acting out to get attention (from Cain)....

 

hmmmm... interesting.