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Never thought I'd be in this boat -- devastated!

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#21 Sharonie

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    Posted 10 December 2007 - 05:44 PM

    Originally Posted by mauraw
    Can you just keep your maiden name for professional purposes but legally change your name to your FH's last name?
    Frankly, I didn't think it was a big deal so never thought of asking him in the first place. If I have done so and he finds out later, that's totally not lying. But my sister reminded me and suggested me telling my mom. We both thought it will be my mom flipping out if she finds out I didn't tell her first (my mom actually the more controlling one in the family wanting to know everything going on w/ us even though we're far apart). So that's what I did, and my mom was cool about it. Then when my mom was chatting w/ my sis on the phone, my dad over-heard and threw a fit on the spot. So yeah now I wish in a way I had kept it quiet and continue playing ignorant.

    I explained to my dad that I'm keeping it to be part of my name. And it is English name only, my Chinese name will always stay the same not even adding Paul's last name. But he thinks that the legal documents are what count.

    #22 jajajaja

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      Posted 10 December 2007 - 05:48 PM

      Wow. This is a really rough subject. I do understand the differences in cultural customs, but when your family came to America did your dad think that his children would not eventually be affected by Western influences and traditions?
      Even if cultural differences weren't part of the issue, this seems like such a weak subject for him to take such a strong stance on. I'm really having a hard time wrapping my head around his ultimatum. He may be disappointed, hurt, angered, etc because he doesn't understand, but I would never think this would something that would cause a parent to separate themselves from a very important day in the life of their child. Honestly- there are worse things.

      Just out of curiosity, does your mom have his last name?

      Hang in there. I bet he will eventually come around. I hope your family points out how petty and foolish he is being. Get with the times, pops. :)
      Happily married since 2008

      #23 ACDCDCAC

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      Posted 10 December 2007 - 06:13 PM

      I agree with some other gals who say to give him some time and hopefully he will come around. If not, I also agree with some gals who say you might have to resort to making him think he got his way and just not giving him all the information. Technically your name does not change until you have your marriage certificate back and you change it with social security and so on from there, so maybe you can get around it by telling him you havent changed it, and then just dont say anything to anyone when you do turn in your paperwork. Not exactly the same thing, but a lot of us are not telling close family that our weddings are not actually the legal one, and we are not being completely honest with them about it, but the point is that its our personal choice, and not anyone elses. Same with your choice to change your name, even tho it's a cultural thing, it is ultimately YOUR business and not your fathers. Good luck and keep us posted!

      #24 Sharonie

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        Posted 10 December 2007 - 06:18 PM

        Originally Posted by LC_Rachel
        Just out of curiosity, does your mom have his name?
        No, my mom doesn't have his name. Traditionally, women gets married into men's families and the kids will take on father's family name. In some cases (not very common), a man will be considered 'marrying into' a woman's family and the agreement will be first one or all the kids will take on mother's family name. Well, my family was one of these cases because my mom is an only child and my dad has multiple siblings. My sister had my mom's last name when she's in China. When we came out here, my parents added my dad's last name to my sis' only because it would be too complicated to explain.

        So I asked my dad when my sis didn't have his last name, he still considered her to be his daughter. I am just adding my FH's last name and will still have current family name in my full name, how can I not be his daughter? He said because my sis' case was due to pre-arrangement. Whatever. I am not buying that.

        #25 *JillD*

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          Posted 10 December 2007 - 06:48 PM

          I'm so sorry that your dad is being so unreasonable. I can't believe he would not come to your wedding and say you aren't his daughter if you change your name, thats ridiculous! I hope he comes to his senses, but ultimately its your choice, and hopefully he will make the right choice as well and come to his daughters wedding!

          #26 beachbride08

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            Posted 10 December 2007 - 07:04 PM

            You are not being selfish at all! I think you should just explain to your dad that you are changing your name to form your new family with your husband and future children as a vow to your love for them, and he should do the same by coming to your wedding and showing his love for you by being there on your special day. If he is going to let something like a name change make him not come to your wedding than that regret is on him. You should still go along with your plans and live a happy life with your future husband. I'm sure he will come around.

            #27 twinkletoes

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              Posted 10 December 2007 - 07:41 PM

              Sorry to hear that you are going through this! I agree pretty much with what all the other ladies said. I understand you dont want to change your name behind his back out of respect. However, its your life and as mentioned before, you guys will be starting a new family, and its about you, no one else.

              What does your FI think about the situation?
              2 Hearts, 1 Love 08.08.08Punta Cana, D.R.

              #28 Sharonie

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                Posted 10 December 2007 - 07:53 PM

                Originally Posted by twinkletoes
                What does your FI think about the situation?
                Paul thinks it is complete BS. But he's standing by me and trying to help me to talk some sense into my dad's head. He's mad that my dad is making me this upset when it should be our happiest time. He'll do whatever to make me happy though. He's so great!!!

                #29 Can'tHardlyWait

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                  Posted 10 December 2007 - 10:58 PM

                  I agree with what everyone said PLUS I think you should just not tell him. I normally never advocate lying, but if I really believed my dad would boycott the wedding over a name change I would totally just leave my name as it is and change it a few months later. If it was anything else, I would stand my ground and fight it, but it is sooo important for me that my family be at my wedding. If for whatever reason my parents couldn't come to Mexico I would move the wedding back to NY.

                  Unless your mother can convince him to get over it, I would let things die down and change my name after the wedding.

                  #30 PaulaV

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                    Posted 10 December 2007 - 11:11 PM

                    (Note to above pic - that mess rules Galit!)

                    Sharon, I understand the cultural issue. In Mexico the woman adds the last name to hers, the children take the father's last name and also use the mother's. I had never really thought about giving up my last name, until we got engaged.

                    We are three girls in the family and my dad's last name will not carry on...
                    He was upset that my sister was not going to keep hers when she married - and I still don't know how I am going to do it... may just move to my middle name, but he will get over it.

                    I do think your dad should see that this is such an important day in your life and you want him there to witness it and share your joy. Good luck!

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