What if I don't want a shower? (etiquette question!)

[lyrebard]

Hi everyone,

 

I have a potential problem that I'd like to solve before it's too late. I love my future in-laws, and really feel like their family is my family. But I don't necessarily love some of their traditions. My partner's sisters were the kinds of kids who grew up envisioning their weddings and bridal showers and bachelorette parties. I, on the other hand, was not. But both of his sisters were recently married, and went through the whole shower-throwing circuit. Now, his mom and sisters would like to throw me one. There's only one problem: I don't want one!!! I just don't like the attention (I hate everyone looking at me!), and we just don't need any presents.

 

We already have a house full of stuff. And another storage locker in another state full of yet-another houseful of stuff: furniture, dishes, glasses, you name it! The last thing we need is any more stuff, so we're not asking for any gifts: shower, wedding, or otherwise.

 

I understand that the tradition of throwing a bridal shower is important to them. I think it's incredibly sweet that they want to do it. And yes, it would be very easy to ask that attendees donate to a cause rather than buying gifts. But here's my other issue: I know that they don't really have the money to throw this shower. They went into debt paying for their other two daughters' weddings, and the least we can do is finance this one on our own. (Which is precisely what we're doing!)

 

I tried using the "all we want for presents is everyone's presence in Mexico" line. Didn't work. Now I don't know how else to convince them that we don't want this without saying that we don't want them to pay for anything. Any advice?

 

-L

[starchild]

Would it be too harsh to simply say that a shower isn't your thing? You've never wanted a shower, it isn't your tradition, something like that. Or that you appreciate the gesture but you are so busy these days and a shower is a lot for you to handle right now. I didn't want one either but I caved and it was fun...but your situation is different and I guess talking about the money factor will make them feel bad, right?

 

Also, some people will send gifts whether or not you have a shower so if you don't need anything, I would pick a charity and put it out there so people don't bombard you with stuff you can't store. Good luck!

[Jessica]

MIL really wanted me to have a shower. She was really pushing for it. I just simply told her I'm not into showers, I appreciate the thought, but it's just not my thing and having one would make me feel awkward.

 

She was disappointed, but understood.

[bre]

I have a colleague who did not want a shower but settled on a very small get-together with the people that wanted to give her one. They had a nice luncheon with a specific request for "no gifts." She said it was a nice way to spend time with women that wanted to celebrate the special time in her life.

 

maybe you can just suggest a very small lunche with you FMIL and FSILs? Then there won't be a ton of people paying attention to you but you have a nice chance to spend some quality time together. make it your own version of their tradition.

[Rachelle E.]

That was going to be my suggestion....can you compromise and have a "non-shower" get together? Like a "couples shower" type deal so your FI can be there too and really just have it as more of a party than a shower.

[beachbride08]

Can your fiance be the one to tell them that you don't want a shower? My FMIL wanted to throw us an engagement party and I didn't want one. My FI told her we didn't want an engagement party because we just want people to come to the wedding. I think she was kind of upset, but didn't have the party.

[lyrebard]

Thanks for the ideas. I've always especially liked the idea of involving the boy in it, as it IS his family after all. =) And perhaps if I'm careful about how I suggest it, as just a small lunch celebration with his family, they'll be able to see it as a slightly-evolved version of their tradition?

 

*fingers crossed*

[JulieG]

I also did not want a shower. BUT, even though I said I did not want one, my MOH and BM's decided I needed on anyway. It was actually kinda fun. It was hard at first because I do not like to be the centre of attention or having people stare at me, but it was pretty fun.

 

I hope they listen and you get exactly what you are looking for.

[1elephant]

i didn't want one either and my sister told me tough sh*t.

 

but i like the idea of going to a nice restaurant - use all of the $$ the FMIL would spend on the shower to put toward a nice family meal - you two, the inlaws, your fam, even close friends, etc...the most important people in your lives...

 

go to per se and then i can live vicariously thru you

[NYJen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lauren c. i didn't want one either and my sister told me tough sh*t.

Ha!!! That's funny.

When my sister was pregnant with Gretchen, she told us she didn't want a baby shower and we told her "Tough Sh*t!!!" We ended up doing a small dessert party (no gift opening, invited just a few close friends, etc) and I think she was ok with it.

After I got engaged, I told my mom and sisters that I didn't want a shower and they said, "ok." They said it a little too relaxed for me. Makes me think they're still planning on doing something. So I followed it up by telling them I didn't want any surprises. And they were like, "ok." Again, too relaxed. So I finally just broke down crying to my mom and told her I didn't want a shower and the thought of it was stressing me out. She calmed me down and said, "Ok, it's your day - whatever you want." I hope that worked. I'm about 4 months away and no one has asked me for my invitation list - so that's a good sign.