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TeeDot2021

Unsupportive friends - Another venting topic!

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So, this will be another one of those venting it all out topic but it won't be the last one (Well last one done by me)😂.

 

I got engaged back in the August bank holiday last year when covid restrictions were lifted. I knew this problem would occur so I wanted to get things rolling with my group of friends asap. I have 2 sets of friends that I plan on inviting to my DW (Next year). The first group are from the UK and the other group is from the other side of the world. Before I get started, we are planning our DW as normal with the hope that covid will be as less impact as possible.

Me and my SO planned our guestlist and we would predict that there will be problems with both sides of invites. We both predicted that the UK groups would pose possible problems due to costs etc. Our other groups (Other side of the world) most of them will come barring any restrictions but all of them pretty much confirmed it.

Now, this is where it gets interesting. My UK group (JAWSNA they're the initials of people within this group) posed the problem straight away when I announced that me and SO will have a DW (Even though A, A and W knew of this before I got engaged!). This group revolves around the first A and W. 

A - I have known A since I first started university and it happens that A lives in the same city as me. Common sense will dictate that A will be the bestman of the wedding. Before I get started if it weren't for A then I would not have met everyone from the UK lot.Everyone knew including the test of the groomsmen knew I would ask A to be the best man. In total 3 groomsmen and a best man. I asked W to be one of the groomsmen and he gladly accepted it. The other 2 spaces were filled up by 2 people from the other side of the world group which means all I had to do is ask A to be the best man. 

So forward 2 weeks after I got engaged I asked him. At first he paused for a few seconds then A went onto say "I feel the other 2 (Referring the 2 people that I asked to be part of the groomsmen from the other side of the world group) are better placed to be your best man because I feel suitable". When I heard that my heart literally stopped. He then went onto say "If the other 2 are still not up for it according to you then I will be your best man". That was the first warning sign. I didn't say much to A the following few days but I was adamant that A will be my best man. Ovdr the next month or so I kept at it to the point when he said "Sorry I do not want to be your best man so you can now do that 'group' you kept on saying" (Referring to my earlier point where I knew this will be a problem. 

Things calmed down and he said that "We will have a heart to heart talk about your situation and will talk about the best man position" right until this day I have been waiting to see him in person. I know there wete 2 lockdowns but at the same time before the lockdowns occured couldn't A find the time even for an hour to talk about this? He said he wanted to do this face to face which is why he does not want to have this conversation over the phone but it's very hard considering we're still coming out of lockdown and easing of restrictions.

This is where things take for the worse. From last February I kept in contact with A with everything and I let it slip that out DE will be next year. He went into a rant where he was "shocked" to find out that the DW was happening next year and warned me if I do not have a clear concise figure then people from the UK will not out effort into the DW. This is where I started a group from my side of the guest lists with the UK group and the Other side of the world group and effectively telling both sides of the group that DW will happen next year at this location (I do not want to disclose the location so I can remain as anonymous as possible). The other side of the group all confirmed they are going and this is where the UK group start to say their views. S and W sugfested that I was "loaded with money" whereas A start to say that I needed really clear figures otherwise people will not turn up. Ever since A messages that text the group has been stone called silent.

A is literally impossible to get a hold off. I live really close to him yet he always has excuses to why he is not free. These ranges from "I have been getting a property", "Lifes busy man" or "Work gets in the way". Because of these lists of excuses I started to question whether I want him to be the groomsmen or not. He keeps on making excuses and I even tried to lie to him I was down the road from him to which he said "I have to get this furniture in place, watch the football then I need to get to bed by 9:30 pm)." I will invite him to the wedding but at the same time serious doubts are there whether I should or not and regarding the groomsmen? I don't even know because of all these doubts. To make things worse, A's girlfriend is a makeup artist and for obvious reasons A will have her as a plus one if he was a groomsmen. My SO reached out to her asking for a price to be my SO's MUA. A's girlfriend tried to make my SO to pay for her travel and flight costs along with her rates as the make up artists for the day. When this failed, A's girlfriend then mentioned that she looked at the costs and flight and it would be very costly for her. Then she made the point that she does not want to travel currently due to covid and wouldn't know if it's safe or not so my SO should reach out to her later down the year to seek clarity. Needless to say this is the works of A because this is something he would do so A must have taught his girlfriend to try and get a holiday out of my SO.

A keeps on saying that I am.mkte financially stable than a lot of people throughout. This may be true but at the same time I have had to save and budget out money throughout my life so I do not see a major problem although I do understand where A is coming from.

That's it for now for A. We move onto W who has been unsupportive but not to A's scale.

W - as I have mentioned he is the other person I asked to be the groomsmen. Unlike A, W accepted straight away. I told him that the wedding would be abroad back in September and he was excited about this. Fast forward late February where I made the group telling people that it will be a DW, I felt something was wrong with him. I called him up a week later to which he said "I'm not going to lie, it seems pretty expensive. I have been saving up for a holiday since 2019 with a couple of the lads in the UK group. The destination we are going? It is a lot more less expensive than your DW. We wil be going to this destination for 2 weeks whereas for your DW it is for a week. Not to mention the costs. Before I step foot at the location of your DW I would need to spend hundreds of pounds before stepping into it. Not to mention the petrol costs and the car parking costs. I also have a plus one, that will be double. I can get off work for a week and wouldn't need to spend that much money on flights to your DW. If we did something in the UK you would receive a larger wedding gift and I still wouldn't be anywhere near your figure. What happens if S said "We not going to your DW but we will celebrate your wedding before you set off?" That would mean everyone from the UK group will stay here to celebrate with you but not come to your wedding."

At first I didn't think much of W's comments. But the longer it went his comments infuriated me. I have been transparent from the first day I understand that costs for my DW will be a problem for some but it feels like I am forcing them to my DW at this point.

S - probably the most sensible one out of everyone. He said he will try his best with his wife to save as much money as possible. It will be a test because he has a lot of things to pay for (But don't we all?). He is one of the ones who had supported me more than the others. He did mention that if the UK lot cannot make it they will do something to make it up to me. Nice gesture because A and W never thought of this.

N - he is a nice guy because he is someone who I can talk. However I felt that he will be the first ones to drop out for my DW because he is less financially stable compared to the others.

J - quiet throughout. Hasn't said a word to me. Thinking the same as everyone else and moaning about my DW.

A2 - Ah, the second A. A2 has been one of the most supportive person throughout. I understand that he will probably drop out because he is the only person working from his family and money is hard to come by. He can even see that A has been very unsupportive. If he drops out I will not have a problem with him. He would have like to come but at the same time I know it will be very difficult for him because A2 and his wife wilk struggle to save up.

I have already prepared my Plan B. Unfortunately I would like to not to use plan B but hearing from the consistent moaning of A and W's comments made me do this. I am planning for the worse and everyone from the UK group will drop out which is why I am ready to execute plan B.

Forgot to mention. My SO's UK lot? We both feared it would have ended up the same situation as my side but to our pleasant surprise all of them confirmed they were coming! We were shocked to find out they are already booking that week off to celebrate our wedding! To make things worse, my SO's UK group's salary are a lot lower than my UK group yet her UK group can make it? Time to evaluate the friendship of my UK group!!!

 

/Rant over

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You are definitely not alone in this I am sure!  As much as you want all of your friends and family there, DWs can be tough for a lot of people to make.  Some for financial reasons and others because they have a weird chip on their shoulder about you having one.  It sucks initially but you aren't getting married for them!  And for all of the people who make it, you will create an even stronger bond.  I hope it gets better and please keep us posted!

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Thanks for the reply! I will keep you as much updated as possible!

Only realised that I made a lot of typos because it was late at night and a lot to write! 

Moving forward, I have asked one of the 2 to be my best man to which he gladly accepted so no issues there! I asked someone else to be part of the groomsmen too and he accepted right away! I have told everyone in the groomsmen (Barring W) about the situation and they are all disappointed in A and W. Right now I am having problems with W being the groomsmen after his comments so I want to remove him from it. Some days I feel like talking to him about the situation but at the same time I feel like a dick and remove him without telling him 🤣 

It still has been really quiet from this lot which made me started with the new plan. I have given everyone a plus 1 from the other side of the world. Then I have the remaining spaces left out to who all said yes straight away! Should have done that in the first place haha!

Like I said I feel like planning on the new plan without telling the original people about this. It feels to me they do not want to come but scared to say anything. Then again if I carry on with this new plan the majority of the UK side wouldn't even notice.

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