So I really need some advice. I was here a couple years ago planning my wedding for November 2014. Sadly things went sour and our marriage ended a few months later. The wedding itself was my dream wedding but my partner and I had been going through a lot of issues that we attributed to being nervous for the wedding and neither one was able to bring them up beforehand. I guess part of it was that we felt like it was too late to back out considering so many people had already paid for their trips. We tried counselling for a couple months and it didn't work out. We were able to recognize that we get along better as friends and our lives had just taken different paths. So I am grateful that we were able to part ways in a civil manner but it was still a very tough time in my life. We never made our marriage legal by signing legal documents which was a great decision otherwise we would have had to deal with the expenses and legalities of a divorce. I felt so embarrassed because everyone expected us to be so incredibly happy as newlyweds but things were the opposite. I was so depressed for so many months that I decided to seek counselling and it helped me quite a bit.
Fast forward a few months later, I met someone else who makes me incredibly happy. I have never felt this way before and he makes me feel like everything that happened before was for a reason. I never understood the feeling when others said when you find the one you know until now. We live together now and he has hinted at saving up for a ring for me. My heart feels like I would marry him in an instant and this time around I actually would have zero fears and feel actual excitement for our future. The only problem I have is that when I start to daydream about our wedding I feel so guilty. I feel like I don't deserve a nice wedding because I already had one. My last wedding was my dream wedding when it comes to location, décor, etc the only problem was I married the wrong person. So when I start to daydream about how I would go about it this second time I feel a lot of guilt, like I don't deserve to have those things. I also feel like I would be so scared to have anything be even close to similar to what I had in my last wedding which makes it very hard because I absolutely loved everything. I made my own centerpieces which I absolutely loved. Would it be okay to use the same design in a different colour? Also my last wedding was in the Mayan Riviera which is my favourite place in the world and I would love to get married on the beach again but I feel like it would be wrong. Would a different resort make it okay? Or should I just forget the whole beach thing altogether? I guess the superstitious me fears that I would jinx my new relationship by having anything that could resemble my previous wedding.
I also feel a lot of fear when I even think about whether I would invite anyone because I feel like they would make judgements about how I think marriage is a game or how I didn't take things seriously. It really wasn't the case at all. I just rushed into something and was too scared to back out but I still feel like I would not be able to invite anyone that attended my last wedding because of this, so basically it would only be people from his side and maybe my parents and sisters (which have also made remarks). I would obviously not expect any gifts but I am not sure how I could put that when a lot of his family doesn't know about my past. My SO knows about it all but he feels we don't have to get into details with his family so unless it comes up on its own there is no reason why I should disclose it.
Part of me wishes that I could just elope with him or have something very private but I don't think it would be fair to him. He has a lot of family and friends and I don't think that's what he would want.
I want to know if anyone has any advice as to how best I could deal with this. I know I am not engaged yet but ever since he hinted at saving for a ring this has been on my mind. Please if you are going to judge me I have already heard it all and don't think I can take any more negative comments about my failed marriage. I am incredibly happy in this new relationship and would love to be able to actually enjoy getting married to this man who I actually feel like he is my soul mate.
Edited by deedeelala, 08 June 2016 - 10:21 AM.