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Bridal Party Regrets?

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#1 pjay

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Posted 15 July 2015 - 06:58 AM

Hi ladies,

Wondering if any of you had some bridal party regrets? We're about 5 months away from the wedding now and my FI's picks for his groomsmen are leaving him and I both with bridal party regret. He has a number of friends that he's been closer with in the past year or two, but he chose his 'original' group of friends to stand beside him on his big day. It seems that since asking them, they have done absolutely nothing to make themselves a part of our big day or even really care very much. One of them has been nothing but rude since then and has even gone as far as leaving my FI out of invites with friends etc.

 

I can't help but think sometimes that weddings and people's happiness can bring out the worst side in people. Right now my FI is on the verge of telling him that he is no longer in the bridal party, but I think he fears that it will create drama with the rest of the group since they are all close friends.

 

What do you ladies think? 


 

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http://www.bestdesti...e/#entry1885631

 



 


#2 TammyWright

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Posted 15 July 2015 - 07:04 AM

hugs to you.  I feel like weddings can be turning points in friendships.  Some people who you thought were friends for life will disappear while others that are new friends will become lifelong friends.

 

It is especially hard when your friend is single.  They are just at a different phase in their life.  Not that it makes it feel much better but maybe just have an honest talk with this GM and say, "hey, it seems like you are not happy in the role of GM. Do you want to opt out?"

 

You still have time to replace them :)


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#3 veryvalentine

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Posted 15 July 2015 - 08:26 AM

Hi @perianjay,

 

Sorry to hear this.  Weddings can be such an amazing time with super big highs but also lows and sometimes the lows hurt a lot!!  Did his groomsmen already pay their deposits etc etc?  Does your FI have any idea what may be causing this?  Are the groomies single?

 

We experienced a lot of disappointments with family and one friend in particular that let me down big time.  (you might remember me venting about this)  My husband (still getting used to saying it) asked both his brothers to be in our wedding party and not only did they not really make any efforts to attend the wedding, one of them still hasn't even given us a gift or congratulated us.  the worst part is that the two  brothers would get together and not invite us and left us out of family gatherings.    I know that his parents felt embarrassed that their sons were not there and for us it was very hurtful the lack of support we received from them but ultimately the parents didn't really do anything about it too. It was a sticky and sucky subject before the wedding, during the wedding and after.  People keep asking why they weren't there etc, it's annoying. 

 

The worst part for you guys would be that these groomies attend the wedding and make it stressful by them being there- it's your day and you need to make sure the people around you are loving and supportive.  Of the people that did attend our wedding, everyone was amazing and we felt their love and support.  Everyone was amazing.

 

I would really sit down with Chester and discuss both options of either ignoring it or calling them out on their crap and risk them dropping out.  It's better if they drop out then cause stress or a scene during the week. 

 

Please don't take it as a reflection of how you are as a person.  People can be quite selfish around weddings and inconsiderate to the couple that is spending a ton of money and time to plan their special day and in this case special week. 

Chin up and keep us posted!  xoxo



 
 
Married on June 20th, 2015 at the Grand Sunset Princess Riviera Gazebo & Reception at the Chill Out with 60 guests
 
 

My planning thread:  http://www.bestdesti...unset-princess/

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#4 TinkerSofi

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Posted 15 July 2015 - 09:08 AM

I'm so sorry to hear that you're also going through this. This would be my #1 regret right now I think.

 

I feel like my one MOH wants no involvement, and I almost feel bad asking her to do something for me because it really feels like it's not a priority at all for her. She even told me the other day that she just wants to be a guest at a wedding for a change. For some reason she's always a bridesmaid or MOH. It's not my fault, but it made me feel really bad when she said that. I told her that I didn't want much from her, just basically stand by my side, make sure my train looks nice, be with me on some pictures and help me out getting the music for the reception together before we leave. I told her she'd be sitting with her date during dinner, and she doesn't even have to enter the reception with us, so technically she is just a guest with a couple of exceptions. I still feel bad about what she said though, it really hurt my feelings.  

 

It would have been better if I had no one by my side to be honest. It also would have been cheaper on me since I paid for the dresses. I guess I just felt totally unappreciated. I've been super low maintenance with them, didn't ask anything, paid for their dresses and then I get complaints. 

 

I guess sometimes depending how bad the situation is, it's warranted telling people that they're not on the bridal party anymore. I guess for people causing trouble, they probably don't even want to be there anyway, so it might even be a relief for them. Would it cause drama with everyone else? probably, but at the same time you have to look out for your own sanity, and if this person is driving you crazy, it's not worth the stress.

 

It is true that weddings bring out the worst in people, and I think this applies to all weddings, no mater how young or old you are, whether you have a DW or a local wedding. Sometimes on these forums I don't even get into all the drama we've had along the way. I can say for sure that I'm a lot less nice coming out of this wedding than I was going into it. I realized that I put a lot of effort into my relationships with people but I don't always get the same back, and that's very disappointing. Those are the times when I miss my home country, because I feel like relationships over there are much more valuable. 



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#5 Danielle1

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Posted 15 July 2015 - 12:54 PM

@perianjay I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but it has made me feel better to read your post and the replies.  My MOH actually just told me that she is pregnant due 3-4 weeks after my wedding - a planned baby (the date of my wedding has been set for 5 months and I asked her to be my MOH even before that). She had never mentioned to me that she was even trying to get pregnant, so it really hurt my feelings and leaves me without a MOH. I've also gotten a lot of comments from friends and family members who I felt really close to that the whole destination wedding seemed stressful and it was stressful to have to commit to booking a room in advance, etc etc... I don't expect anyone to come, but it is disappointing when close family members make you feel bad about having to take 2 days off of work.  I say all of this to tell you that you are not alone in the disappointment!  I'm just trying to focus on all of the people who are genuinely really excited to attend the wedding and to celebrate with us in Mexico! 

 

I do think it makes a statement to remove someone from your wedding party. I think you'd have determine if you'd be okay with not being close with that person at all anymore if it really hurt them to be removed.  However, that person may even be relieved if they aren't really wanting to be involved. 



#6 KatieMcBride

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Posted 15 July 2015 - 01:19 PM

I'm sorry you're having to experience this! I can SO relate to bridal party regrets. Maybe not in the same way necessarily, but I do have my regrets.

 

I didn't want to ask any friends to stand for me, as I didn't want anyone to feel left out - so I decided to ask my 2 sisters and my 2 female cousins.  My sisters are both going to be there without a doubt (both have paid for the trip already, have their BM dresses, etc).   However, the 2 cousins are a different story....they can't commit to anything and it's impossible to get an answer out of them.   The BM dress I have is more of a seasonal summery dress, so it's going to be discontinued shortly.  I sent a message to them being like "just a friendly reminder to get your dress before it stops being sold!!" and nothing.  I asked my travel agent if they've put their name on the list/their $150 deposit down to travel. Nothing.  It's 9 months until my wedding. I kind of need to know! It's not like its 2+ years away or anything.

Someone I work with suggested saying if I don't have them confirmed to travel by such and such date, that I should tell them they can't be in my wedding party anymore.  It sucks but I'm going to have to do it that way.  Why do weddings bring out people's bad sides?



#7 pjay

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Posted 15 July 2015 - 08:10 PM

I appreciate all of the support from you ladies and hearing your stories. I don't feel alone in any of this.. this is why I love this forum so so much!!

My FI met with one of them tonight (the one causing the most drama) and he is no longer in the bridal party. He also decided not to come at all.. so sadly I think the friendship is really over. It's pretty sad how bitter some people get over other people's happiness and weddings. His loss.

 

@veryvalentine @TinkerSofi @KatieMcBride @Danielle1 @TammyWright

 

I can see from your ladies stories that this is obviously something that is quite common. I was talking to one of my friends who got married this past year and she told me how much of an eye opener their wedding was. I guess out of all of this I have realized that this is such a blessing in disguise. Nothing would hurt me more then to look back at our pictures and our big day and have negativity around someone who was simply being an impostor in my FI's and my life.


 

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http://www.bestdesti...e/#entry1885631

 



 


#8 vancouverpetunia

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Posted 15 July 2015 - 08:40 PM

So far (knock on wood), everything is fine with our wedding party. We have 2 on each side.

 

But when my sister got married a few years back, she ended up "firing" most of her wedding party. They kept me and my BIL's cousin. They got rid of his 3 wishy washy friends. On her side there was her best friend at the time, who is a teacher and my sister specifically planned a summer wedding so she could go, but she didn't (they all lived in Toronto, wedding was in BC - BFF was in BC the week BEFORE visiting family, but could not extend her stay for some reason). She also had a guy on her side who was not super interested. And then a high school BF from Manitoba, who did attend the wedding, but made it hard for her to participate in anything other than the wedding itself. I think it was a big relief to my sister when she pulled the plug and I don't think she regrets it. 

 

If I remember correctly, everyone with the exception of the teacher friend still attended the wedding and it didn't seem awkward to me. I believe one of the original GMs ended up as the MC. I don't remember how far in advance all of this happened, but no one had bought dresses, suits, etc. so no money had been expended except maybe travel costs (and most of those travelling had family in BC anyhow, so probably working that into their travel plans). 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say it is may be a difficult conversation to have, but it is your wedding and you don't want the drama that this can bring with it. Better to deal with it before the wedding than bring it to the wedding, I say. If they are true friends, they will understand. If not, it may be best to not have them there anyhow, as harsh as that may seem.

 

P.S. My sister is still friends with the teacher, although not as close as they once were, however that may be for other reasons.


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#9 veryvalentine

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Posted 16 July 2015 - 04:01 AM

awwww!  Sending you guys hugs!  It is always so sad when you realize that a friendship has reached the end of the road, I think it is even more heightened when it is around a big life event.  Like someone previously mentioned, better now than having this fake friend in your wedding pictures and especially on the trip bringing their negativity with them. 

 

Focus on all the good because I'm sure it's all around you. 

 

At one point I was so frustrated with disappointment that I felt really deflated with the wedding.  Like I just didn't care and I decided before I complained about being disappointed with anything wedding related or anyone, I would say 4 things I was grateful for before I was allowed to complain.  Definitely slowed me down a bit. 

 

I can say that on our wedding day and really all throughout our stay in Mexico, I never really thought about those disappointments.  If anything, I saw how great the group got along and I was so grateful that the disappointments didn't attend as they would have required a lot of extra care from me and affected the group connection. 

 

:)



 
 
Married on June 20th, 2015 at the Grand Sunset Princess Riviera Gazebo & Reception at the Chill Out with 60 guests
 
 

My planning thread:  http://www.bestdesti...unset-princess/

My review thread:  http://www.bestdesti...incess-wedding/


#10 snswedding2016

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Posted 16 July 2015 - 08:11 AM

Like all of the other ladies have said I can also definitely relate to this. It's a different situation but we've had some bridal party/guest list issues to deal with. One of my bridesmaids was planning to have her second baby right around the time of the wedding. I was upset or anything, we all have our lives to live and plan the best way we can. The hard part was that she said should couldn't commit to being at the wedding until the fall (keep in mind our wedding is in Jan and this conversation happened last fall) BUT that she was totally excited to be a bridesmaid. I was really confused and didn't know how to handle it for a while. I guess she just wanted to be a part of it, which is nice but that meant it was so hard to plan for the actual wedding because I didn't know if she was going to be there or not. I after several months of her happily being a bridesmaid without any kind of wedding commitment I decided I needed to talk to her. I told her that I understood the position she was in but that maybe for both of us it would be better to relieve her of her bridesmaids role. If she ends up coming to the wedding it's a bonus and she can attend as a guest. I think this was a relief for her but when we talked about it she definitely made it like it was my decision to cut her. She was definitely quite passive aggressive about it and I didn't think it was fair considering I was being very understanding of where she was coming from. Since then we haven't really talked to much about the wedding and I really doubt that she'll be coming even if she isn't pregnant…I just have that feeling.

 

Then I had my cousin who is like a sister to me (I lived with her for 8 years growing up) was so honoured and excited to be a bridesmaid and put down her deposit right away….then got pregnant in Feb. She had to back out of the wedding and I'm sad that she won't be there but know that she would if she could. I definitely wouldn't want her travelling with a one month old - that's way too stressful. 

 

Sean had one of his brothers RSVP yes to the wedding and was exciting about being a groomsman but then nothing. No deposit or commitment. He's a bit flaky and I really don't think he'll be coming to the wedding but I think Sean's still holding out hope. I really think his brother is waiting for someone to offer to pay for his trip. I hate to say that but I think it's true. I really like him, he's such a sweet guy and I love having him around but when it comes to life planning he isn't great at it. He came to stay with us for a couple of weeks before moving back to his home state (from the US) and ended up living with us for two months and didn't really contribute financially for anything. It was like having a fully grown teenager around. 

 

One other groomsman says he'll be there but hasn't put down a deposit and has been trying to see if he can do a shorter trip instead of the 7 days. He doesn't want to miss that much time from work…which I understand but a shorter trip is actually more expensive compared to the quote we received for 7 days so I didn't really get his hesitation. Also since we've been engaged he's been on 3 trips and will be going on another next month…so the money excuse doesn't really fly with me especially since he's been living with us since NOVEMBER!!!! Yes, you heard me right ….gah!! Shoot me now! I echo @TinkerSofi's comment when she said she hasn't even gone into half of the drama on these forums. That is whole other issue and I'm so done and want him out of my house but he's been having issues with his wife that he's been separated from so we felt bad…but seriously??? He's been in my house for almost the same amount of time that we've been engaged!! Anyway now I'm just venting….

 

long story short --- have the people you really want there who want to be there for you! In the end that's all that matters! Surround yourself with the people that love and care about the two of you as a couple!  :)


My planning thread - http://www.bestdesti...016-azul-fives/

 

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